What's Happening to me?

I have an overwhelming sense of right and wrong but I’m getting worried. I seem to be losing everything that makes me human. I take decisions based on how good the outcome will be or how I can make the inevitable bad outcome less damaging as possible (I lead a project team). I don’t take anyone’s emotions or whatsoever into consideration, I just want to get the job done as fast as possible. I want progress and speed even if it means leaving behind those who can’t keep up to rot. I recently saw a mouse in my room. I didn’t just let it be or catch it with a trap and release it somewhere else, I caught it with my bare hands and killed it. I can’t feel or tell what someone else is feeling and the worst part I stopped trying as I think emotions will only slow us down and is a weakness. Nostalgia means nothing to me anymore. When I’m angry I feel like I can kill so I escape the scene and hurt myself. I no longer feel human. I feel like a machine taking decisions based on 1s and 0s but it also feels like the way to go, the way of improving this worthless life I have. I have thought of killing myself before but then I think that so many people hate me including my own parents so why give them the satisfaction of my death. I can’t walk the streets freely. My hands are always trying to clench into fist as it feels like everyone wants to hurt me. I’m not very strong but I trained hard to be faster than most people just because I’m afraid that everyone’s out to get me. I was successful in apprehending the culprit in an armed robbery (I was also able to disarm him). I didn’t fear that I would die that day I just thought whatever happens I die an honorable death. I was also thinking I’m just a speck of dust among the 7 billion people, nobody will miss me if I’m gone, It’s like I had a death wish. When it all ended and the cops arrived I slipped away.. I didn’t want anyone to know who I was. I always hide away from people. I always wear black and go out at night so I can hide in the dark. I lock myself in a room sending directives to my team remotely or some cases putting a member off the team. I don’t face them much. I want to escape any social situations. I hate clubs, parties and anything of that sort. Facial expression is close to almost gone. I don’t get nervous. I don’t feel fear. I’ve lost all hope and only believe that if I want something to happen I have to make it happen. I respond to other people expressing their emotions by calculating in my head which response would sound most human. I can’t feel a thing they’re feeling. Death and blood don’t bother me anymore. My grandma died recently and I didn’t feel anything I just delivered the body to the crematorium, picked up the death certificate and left, I didn’t even stay for the so called last rites. I didn’t mourn, I felt no grief. The next day I went back to my regular life as if nothing had happened. I’m obsessed with speed in every aspect. I finish my morning routine in 10 Minutes or less.

I was a severely bullied kid.

That wasn’t enough. I’m guessing it was the crazed gorilla thing again. And yet again I was the bad guy.

But after that I promised myself to never become the person my dad is and be a better man and now in that attempt I find myself losing the very things that make me human. I largely control my anger now but it has its limits.

I've been learning a lot of topics over my entire life in pursuit of knowledge and now It often leads to an existential crisis. Also all this information in my head seems like a mess which I understand but can't explain with speech.

I’m becoming a monster and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop it.

P.S I'm a Computer Programmer

Hello LeRandomName24: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Actually you & I have a couple of similar experiences in common although it sounds as though yours were much more extreme. I have always been gripped by fear. So neither self-defense nor retaliation were ever really options for me. I'm an older person now. And I lead a pretty-much reclusive life as much is possible. I also struggle with a lot of anger... some of it directed at what was done to me, some of it directed at what was not done to help me, but a lot of it directed inward as a result of mistakes I've made over the years in my life.

From my perspective, I think it would be foolish of me to try to suggest what is going on with you from a mental health perspective. This is a job for a mental health professional. I don't know what is available to you, where you live, in terms of mental health services. But I really think the key here is for you to seek out some professional mental health services in real life. Being here on PC can help too. It can take awhile to become known here. Things tend to move quickly. But, if you stick with us, there is a lot of support available.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I thought I needed professional help and it is available here but I don't have health insurance and I don't earn enough to be able to pay and all healthcare is very expensive so I think I'll stick here and see what I can gather.

Look up N.P.D. (narcissistic personality disorder), then look on
here for it (scroll down,and see it with other personality disorders).

Emotional shut down.
It's when the nervous system is overloaded with traumatic experience and feeling everything is too much, so you just shut it all down and become numb. Numb is the state of being that is the most energy efficient in the state of overload. It's the psyche's way of saying not doing this, not engaging, am on automatic pilot till I can get some relief.

http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2...onal-shutdown/

Hello, LeRandom,



Your experiences are tragic and I hope you find this supportive.

Please contact a Community Liasion if you have any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Rainy