[MissMarti]

Hi everyone.
I'm sorry to do such a long post straight off, but I'm really in need of some advice if possible please.
I've had M.E & Fibro for the last 14 years, since I was 24. I also have severe Agoraphobia, Osteopaenia & Osteoarthritis.

For about 10-11 years I've also had a serious addiction to a prescription sleeping drug called Zopiclone.
For some reason after a year or so on this drug, the effects reversed to the point that it actually gave me the energy to do "Normal" things. It served as an incredibly effective painkiller & relaxant.

I've now managed to stay clean of this hideous drug for the last 188 days, unfortunately now I have nothing to mask the pain & it & the Agoraphobia's intensified.
It's my birthday next week, and my best friend announced that she's booked a half day at a spa for us both.
I know it's a really nice, kind thing to do - but I said politely that although I appreciate her being kind & I in no way want her to think I'm being ungrateful, there's no way I can do it unless I take the Zopiclone.

She said that she was surprised I was saying I couldn't do it because "It's Not Like We're Doing Anything Strenuous, I'm Not Going To Do Laps Of The Pool - Just Laze In It", "I Know You Had A Bad Turn Recently, But You'd Done A Lot - It's Just A Case Of Trying To Pace Yourself" "Well, It'll Relax You & Make You Feel Better!!"

She even said she would give me Zopiclone.

Then when I said I was panicking because she'd shelled out the money for something that I couldn't do, she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, then messaged to say "It's Fine, I've Managed To Get A Refund, I Didn't Mean To Stress You Out - I'll Have To Go Back To The Drawing Board Now?!"

I feel devastated that I'm now in the position of feeling like an ungrateful, awkward person, when all she was doing was something good for me... I can't help but feel like she's implied that I somehow have control over my body & that I'm just CHOOSING to not do this.

She's my closest friend & I really thought she understood how serious my conditions are, but now I feel like she doesn't get it at all. She didn't even ask if I'd be up to it, booked it even though she knows that I can't even set foot in my own garden 99% of the time, knows I'm in really bad shape physically...

By saying "It's Just A Case Of Trying To Pace Yourself" & "I'm Surprised, Because It's Not Like We're Doing Anything Strenuous" I feel like she's discounting my 14 year struggle, that all my explanations over the years of how my body feels have been pointless, that she thinks somehow I have control over my illnesses. :'(

What I'd like to know is, am I just being over - sensitive??? (I'm a straight up person & I don't take offence easily, all honesty is appreciated.)
Thanks for having the patience to read this & I'd welcome all/any opinion.
Lei xxx

[Wild Coyote]

Hi,

I can relate to your story. I have dealt with M.E. and fibromyalgia for over 30 years. I have also had other complications.

I have had to try to keep friendships going, which you know, isn't an easy task. The amount of pain and fatigue is very draining.

I do understand why you may feel badly, yet you are being honest with your friend.

Kudos to your friend! I get the sense she really tried to find something she thought you could tolerate and something you could do together. I really think she was trying hard and wanted to surprise you. It's also possible she thought the massage would help to ease your pain.

Wow! she trying to find an alternative? I have had people give up and walk away, rather than to find an alternative activity. What a friend!

Nobody has to be the "bad gal" here. You are friends, communicating honestly, loving one another. There are lots of reasons to celebrate this friendship!

You can only do what you can do.
I have learned more about self-compassion and it's helped me tremendously.
Here's an intro. by Tara brach if you may be interested:
https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation...lf-compassion/

Be kind to yourself!
Be kind to one another! Sounds like an amazing friendship!


WC

[Skeezyks]

Hello MissMarti: Wow... I doubt there's much I can add to the wonderful reply you received from Wild Coyote! From my perspective, I think your friend should have asked first. I think her desire to surprise you overran her judgement with regard to what was the appropriate way to handle something like this. And as a result it created an unfortunate & awkward friendship-straining situation.

There's an author whose writings I am particularly fond of by the name of Parker J. Palmer. And in some of his writings, Palmer talks about how people can sometimes use advice as a means of divesting themselves of their self-imposed responsibility to be "helpful". So, for example, I imagine that as a friend I should try to help you to feel better. So I advise you to do "X". Then, if you say: "I can't do 'X'," or "I don't want to do 'X'," then it's no longer my responsibility because "I tried." I've now absolved myself of my feelings of responsibility. Does that make sense? (Palmer says it much more eloquently.) But hopefully you get the idea. Something similar may have been at the heart of the incident you describe. I don't know. Anyway, hopefully the two of you will be able to find a pathway forward. I send warm wishes your way with the hope that it might be so...

[Bill3]

I would just like to say congratulations on your 168 days clean!

Originally Posted by MissMarti

Hi everyone.
I'm sorry to do such a long post straight off, but I'm really in need of some advice if possible please.
I've had M.E & Fibro for the last 14 years, since I was 24. I also have severe Agoraphobia, Osteopaenia & Osteoarthritis.

For about 10-11 years I've also had a serious addiction to a prescription sleeping drug called Zopiclone.
For some reason after a year or so on this drug, the effects reversed to the point that it actually gave me the energy to do "Normal" things. It served as an incredibly effective painkiller & relaxant.

I've now managed to stay clean of this hideous drug for the last 188 days, unfortunately now I have nothing to mask the pain & it & the Agoraphobia's intensified.
It's my birthday next week, and my best friend announced that she's booked a half day at a spa for us both.
I know it's a really nice, kind thing to do - but I said politely that although I appreciate her being kind & I in no way want her to think I'm being ungrateful, there's no way I can do it unless I take the Zopiclone.

She said that she was surprised I was saying I couldn't do it because "It's Not Like We're Doing Anything Strenuous, I'm Not Going To Do Laps Of The Pool - Just Laze In It", "I Know You Had A Bad Turn Recently, But You'd Done A Lot - It's Just A Case Of Trying To Pace Yourself" "Well, It'll Relax You & Make You Feel Better!!"

She even said she would give me Zopiclone.

Then when I said I was panicking because she'd shelled out the money for something that I couldn't do, she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, then messaged to say "It's Fine, I've Managed To Get A Refund, I Didn't Mean To Stress You Out - I'll Have To Go Back To The Drawing Board Now?!"

I feel devastated that I'm now in the position of feeling like an ungrateful, awkward person, when all she was doing was something good for me... I can't help but feel like she's implied that I somehow have control over my body & that I'm just CHOOSING to not do this.

She's my closest friend & I really thought she understood how serious my conditions are, but now I feel like she doesn't get it at all. She didn't even ask if I'd be up to it, booked it even though she knows that I can't even set foot in my own garden 99% of the time, knows I'm in really bad shape physically...

By saying "It's Just A Case Of Trying To Pace Yourself" & "I'm Surprised, Because It's Not Like We're Doing Anything Strenuous" I feel like she's discounting my 14 year struggle, that all my explanations over the years of how my body feels have been pointless, that she thinks somehow I have control over my illnesses. :'(

What I'd like to know is, am I just being over - sensitive??? (I'm a straight up person & I don't take offence easily, all honesty is appreciated.)
Thanks for having the patience to read this & I'd welcome all/any opinion.
Lei xxx

Hi MissMarti, It sounds like your reaction is normal, to me. I would feel the same way. I do, however, think your good friend is being very insensitive. Just the comments you posted that she said, sounds like she doesn't really get it and what you go through.