[Brasucasulu]

I have been very upset with myself about my feelings for my bf's dad. Even though I try to repressed these feeling I can't help it. I dislike him very much.
When my boyfriend introduced to me his parents, I already wasn't too crazy about him. He speaks way too much, and wants always to have attention of people. But well, he's my bf's dad, so it wasn't a big deal. I thought he was just old, but that he seemed decent and open minded. However, the first impression was far from the reality. My BF told me stories of his dad being a physical and psychological abuser. He also left his wife alone in the house with four small kids and went party for days. My BF told me that he was so scared of his dad, that many times he peed in his pants when his dad caught him doing something naughty.
My BF alway says: now he behaves like he's an angel, but when he was we had hell. He's now 76 and had many health issues.
Because my BF and his parents are so close, they skype everyday, sometimes 3 times a day. Every time I hear his dad's voice, something inside me shakes, it is a very negative feeling and I hate it. I even leave the room sometimes. I tried to repress it, and think like he is an old man, who made mistakes, and that everyone can make mistakes. But still I can't stand him.
It is even worse as some times we have to go to visit them, and he keeps behaving like a spoiled brat, and treats his wife like a maid. It makes so sick, I hate to go. I also caught him speaking bad about me to his wife. It was one day that I hurt my back, so I stayed in bed a little longer: and he goes and says: this woman sleeps too much. We were in our place, and I alway wake up early.
I don't know what to do, I feel so guilty of feeling like that. How can I look at my bf's face knowing deep inside that I dislike his dad so much? What can I do to love him?

[TishaBuv]

The way you feel is for good reason. This man doesn't sound very likable. You can't control your emotions. You can just act nice and not cause problems yourself. Maybe, if his dad starts to say and do nice things, you will come to genuinely like him.

It's not a crime to dislike someone. It's okay to do so. And it's okay to now know why(I refer to it as a clash of personalities).

It just happens sometimes. And it's not your fault. And your boyfriend can understand that without getting his feelings hurt.

I think tolerating him is probably the best you can do, it doesn't sound like there's a lot to like from what you write.

It actually sounds to me a pretty natural response to someone who was mean to your bf when he was little and vulnerable.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Brasucasulu

Well I'd say..........what is wrong with disliking him???!!!
It's not mandatory or an expectation to like any particular person.
You like and dislike whoever you like and dislike..........and with him, I'd say that it's completely understandable that you don't like him...........afterall you can emphasise with someone close to you the effects of his unacceptable behaviours, and you can see the impact on his wife of his unacceptable behaviours. Being someone's father or husband doesn't give you the right/the entitlement to behave the way he has/does.
So I, personally, see no reason you should feel guilty about the way you feel.

And if being around him makes you feel uncomfortable then maybe talk to your BF about how he'd feel about you minimising that contact. I don't know whether he might want you around a bit for some "morale support" when he sees him, but maybe you two could find a solution that you both feel OK with??
And, if needed, when you are around him, if your BF wants that..........just aim at being courteous.........nothing more??

Just keep your focus on the relationship you have with your BF..........that's the one that really matters, right??



Alison

[Hawk Heart]

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

. I also caught him speaking bad about me to his wife. It was one day that I hurt my back, so I stayed in bed a little longer: and he goes and says: this woman sleeps too much. We were in our place, and I alway wake up early.
I don't know what to do, I feel so guilty of feeling like that. How can I look at my bf's face knowing deep inside that I dislike his dad so much? What can I do to love him?

He actually said that???!! He doesn't seem to have much respect for you - unless you heard it out of context or aren't repeating his words exactly. IOf this what he said, . . . Yes? No?

I agree with Frank about focusing on the relationship you two have. Still . . .

Does any one else think like I do? Your guy is enabling him to be outright insensitive and rude?

[KarenSue]

A man like "him" does not need enabling (if he is anything like my dad was). You have 2 choices, if he gets out of line, y'all can leave and if he doesn't, y'all can visit. I and my husband dislike his dad and hated mine. It got to the point that I would not go to my parents without my husband with me. My dad died in 2008 at 77. My mom and I have only begun to know and enjoy each other after that. AT LAST

Maybe your bf is hoping for something similar. He is accustomed to it and willing to put up with it so he can be there for his mom when he dies. If he disrespects his dad openly, it will just create an illogical fight on the dad's part. And another bad memory for his mom too. I put up with my dad so I could be there for my mom and this new relationship we have.

I totally disrespect my husbands father and no longer go with my husband to visit him. He lives in another town. But my husband goes a few times a year to see him and check on him. Although he doesn't like his dad, who fails to recognize my husband's integrity and personal accomplishments, my husband still seeks that "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" So I refuse to see the man who still hurts my husband's feelings and self worth.

We have been completely open about our feelings regarding parents. My husband supports me in not going to his dad's. And I pick up the pieces when he gets home. My husband has a strong sense of responsibility and just wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't check on his dad. (My husband's mother died in 1970.) Bottom line, you and your serious bf should be able to share each others feelings regarding anyone besides you two. Just keep it between yourselves. You don't have to change how you feel, and you certainly should not feel guilty at all. As bad as it may sound, keeping the peace is your job. If that means you don't go, so be it.

I liked Frank's post. I hope my experience was of some help. We have been married over 40 yrs and it has worked for us. We are the unit, our parents are outsiders. They could never touch what we have. We put our marriage first.

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by Hawk Heart

He actually said that???!! He doesn't seem to have much respect for you - unless you heard it out of context or aren't repeating his words exactly. IOf this what he said, . . . Yes? No?

I agree with Frank about focusing on the relationship you two have. Still . . .

Does any one else think like I do? Your guy is enabling him to be outright insensitive and rude?

I have spoken to my BF regarding this. My life is none of his Dad's business.

[Brasucasulu]

Originally Posted by KarenSue

A man like "him" does not need enabling (if he is anything like my dad was). You have 2 choices, if he gets out of line, y'all can leave and if he doesn't, y'all can visit. I and my husband dislike his dad and hated mine. It got to the point that I would not go to my parents without my husband with me. My dad died in 2008 at 77. My mom and I have only begun to know and enjoy each other after that. AT LAST

Maybe your bf is hoping for something similar. He is accustomed to it and willing to put up with it so he can be there for his mom when he dies. If he disrespects his dad openly, it will just create an illogical fight on the dad's part. And another bad memory for his mom too. I put up with my dad so I could be there for my mom and this new relationship we have.

I totally disrespect my husbands father and no longer go with my husband to visit him. He lives in another town. But my husband goes a few times a year to see him and check on him. Although he doesn't like his dad, who fails to recognize my husband's integrity and personal accomplishments, my husband still seeks that "I'm proud of you" or "I love you" So I refuse to see the man who still hurts my husband's feelings and self worth.

We have been completely open about our feelings regarding parents. My husband supports me in not going to his dad's. And I pick up the pieces when he gets home. My husband has a strong sense of responsibility and just wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't check on his dad. (My husband's mother died in 1970.) Bottom line, you and your serious bf should be able to share each others feelings regarding anyone besides you two. Just keep it between yourselves. You don't have to change how you feel, and you certainly should not feel guilty at all. As bad as it may sound, keeping the peace is your job. If that means you don't go, so be it.

I liked Frank's post. I hope my experience was of some help. We have been married over 40 yrs and it has worked for us. We are the unit, our parents are outsiders. They could never touch what we have. We put our marriage first.

Thanks so much Karen. I'm sorry that you have to go through similar situation. It is very frustrating. Today he called us because he wants to come and visit, so he demanded my BF to buy them a flight ticket. My BF isn't rich, so he told him that he can only do it next month. His dad goes and says: ask you woman to buy it then, she's doing good at her job, she should buy us a 1st class ticket. I was like wtf! I don't flight first class myself, because I CAN'T afford it! He's continuously demanding things, even money to go and play in the casino. My BF and I ended up arguing, he said his parents are old and he wants to spoil them while their still alive. So, I told you ok, but do it with you own money, because I also have a family to take care of. It is driving me nuts.

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

Thanks so much Karen. I'm sorry that you have to go through similar situation. It is very frustrating. Today he called us because he wants to come and visit, so he demanded my BF to buy them a flight ticket. My BF isn't rich, so he told him that he can only do it next month. His dad goes and says: ask you woman to buy it then, she's doing good at her job, she should buy us a 1st class ticket. I was like wtf! I don't flight first class myself, because I CAN'T afford it! He's continuously demanding things, even money to go and play in the casino. My BF and I ended up arguing, he said his parents are old and he wants to spoil them while their still alive. So, I told you ok, but do it with you own money, because I also have a family to take care of. It is driving me nuts.

I get that he wants to treat his parents while he still has them, but there are other ways to do that than jump to a demand for 1st class tickets. I could speculate but it sounds like BF is trying to please them and dad is manipulating this need BF has for validation.

My advice to you would be to stay calm when you talk to BF about this (if you need to vent about it then find a safe space away from him), it sounds like he is reacting from a deeply emotional vulnerable state and may be finding it difficult to be reasonable - remembering this may help you keep compassion towards him. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to fund their travel, never mind as 1st class, state this as calmly as you can. Let him know that you still love him (he might possibly be reading this as rejection of him), but the rational reasons why you do not feel it's appropriate to fund 1st class tickets.

Good luck

[Brasucasulu]

Thank so much. I will follow your advice. I asked my BF nicely today that he has to deal with his parents demands the best he can. I'd support him as much as I can, but I cannot afford helping them financially, because I have family obligations too.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I get that he wants to treat his parents while he still has them, but there are other ways to do that than jump to a demand for 1st class tickets. I could speculate but it sounds like BF is trying to please them and dad is manipulating this need BF has for validation.

My advice to you would be to stay calm when you talk to BF about this (if you need to vent about it then find a safe space away from him), it sounds like he is reacting from a deeply emotional vulnerable state and may be finding it difficult to be reasonable - remembering this may help you keep compassion towards him. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to fund their travel, never mind as 1st class, state this as calmly as you can. Let him know that you still love him (he might possibly be reading this as rejection of him), but the rational reasons why you do not feel it's appropriate to fund 1st class tickets.

Good luck