[fijiisland]

I can't even watch TV in same room with parents because they can't hear swear words not even mild ones. I would have to leave during commercials in case something about sex shows up on screen. They get all embarrassed faces so i can't be near that. When I used to have friends and parents in same room I would get nervous that one of my friends would say a swear or something about sex so I would stress out hoping my parents wouldn't hear it. I can't even say the word alcohol around them. I mean I CAN say it, but I can't because they get all embarrassed faces. I can't believe I even have kids because my parents know I had intercourse in order to have kids. I actually was not married when the first one was born but I was in my late 20's. oops. An old neighbor of ours got pregnant as a teen and her parents were afraid to tell my Dad because they didn't know what he would do??

My father's own mother would hide magazines under the bed when she came to visit so my father wouldn't see them!! I also hide EVERYTHING i DO!!! I mean everything!!! I literally will take trash with me in the car, when they are not looking and throw it away in a public trash can. I will walk out of house with no makeup on and sweatpants and as soon as I drive to a secluded spot, I will change and put makeup on! If my father makes a noise in living room and I am in the kitchen I freeak out and think he is coming into the kitchen, my heart races and i HURRY UP and get out of there before he comes in kitchen to yell at me about something. I hate that my parents bedroom window faces the driveway because every time I pull into driveway I picture them looking out window at me!! i stay in my bedroom all day unless I HAVE to go somewhere and I put loud fans on to block parent's noises. i am in a prison and can't get out!

Growing up I suffered from selective mutism (never knew there was actually a name for it!) and as I got into my 20's i have severe panic disorder and realized I had bad depression on top of it. I am slightly OCD and I skin pick mildly. I have always made friends with the wrong people (probably because I take whatever i can get since I am so shy) I had a horrible marriage and ex left me with nothing! I was forced to move back in with parents who control my children. My kids also treat me like crap. My father has actually punched me in face in front of my kids. My ex also abused me. i can be screaming my kids names and they dont answer me, and parents even sitting next to the kids will not even say "your mother is calling you" they will ignore me too.

All i know is i am at the point where I have lived here so long and I have nothing to look forward to. It is as if I feel i am stuck here. I don't see a way out. I dont even see a husband in future anymore. i am numb. I am afraid to do anything. I can't even have friends living here because that would mean my parents would KNOW AND SEE MY FRIENDS. they are always right in my face, I can't get away. It is extremely frustrating and dehabilitating. I can never date living here because they will KNOW and see. I was taught everything is bad and I can do nothing. I remember as a child I couldn't do anything. I never even had chores because I couldn't do it right. I never learned manners. My mother is a stupid airhead nutjob that never wanted to work. just layed around all day looking like a schizo job. My father is a rigid perfectionist and everything is wrong but he is right. I can't even talk to anyone because when the person walks away they will tell me everything wrong with the person "they are fat, why do they say that? she is, he is, etc, etc."

I have resorted to a secret life they know nothing about.

[Waterlily22]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You can't control what happened to you and it's not your fault. It can be awful when exes scorn you to the point that you have a low quality of life. You're a mother and you should absolutely be respected by both your parents AND children. Especially your children. You have a lot of self control to not hit your father back! You're very strong for staying in this situation, I can't imagine how you feel.

[GGChar]

OMG, just reading your post made me feel anxious! Is there any hope of you moving? It sounds beyond unhealthy. Your children are really suffering too in that environment I would think. Do they want to get out of there?

I grew up with Authoritarian parents and learned to hide everything! It was the only control over my life that I had. I also learned to be sneaky and somewhat manipulative. I am 53 years old and still hide things even though I have no real reason to. It's just a comfort for me. Btw, my dad would also say everyone was fat etc.... It was embarrassing. But luckily he had some wonderful moments too. Then my control issues turned into Bulimia, alcoholism and depression. Ugh!

I'm so sorry you are living like this. It sounds worse than a prison with all of the negativity and ugliness. I hope when you go out you are able to see some beauty in the world and choose to be around some happiness!

[fijiisland]

I never thought of it like that. Maybe that is why I hide everything, to give myself some control. I have also done things that no one would ever think someone quiet like me would do. I think its my only way to give myself some control and something secret that I can control. hmmm...

[xany]

I really hope you find a way out of your parents' home. They sound like very toxic people and I can only imagine how awful it must be to constantly be walking on eggshells, unable to be yourself. Is there a relative or friend you could move in with temporarily? Are you receiving child support for your ex? Wishing you the best and hoping your situation improves quickly!

[fijiisland]

No i don't have any other relatives in area an no friends really anymore. I get measely child support (I HAVE A REAL WINNER EX)
my job is full time but it is poverty level. I try to go to school but end up dropping out because it is too much with working and my depression.