Alien

Note: This is just a venting thread. Don't read if you are affected by negativity

I always feel that I'm alien, as if I wasn't meant to live on this Earth. The way my mind works doesn't allow me to be part of this world. My mind is always blank, and I feel raging anger and frustration in my heart. I cannot focus on anything, although I think I'm not stupid. I often have headaches, nausea, and numbness and tingling in my legs. My breath is often short and fast because of my anxiety over life. I'm always stressed about my future. I know I need to change, but change is escaping me. I avoid people because I cannot get along with them, nor they can get along with me. We work on two different frequencies. See different things. Hear different things. I've ended up alone. Alone in a strange country. But I was strange at home, too. I live strange everywhere I go. Now I think loneliness has developed to depression, and doing anything is close to impossible. I just spend my time at home, in front of my computer's screen. No one to talk to, and no one to talk to me. I barely do my work which I'm about to finish, and I cannot find a new job. I don't have motivation to revise my resume, and I think when interviewers meet with me, they feel my cold soul, so they pass. I just hope I don't get seriously sick, which is plausible with all the stress and pain I've had, because I don't have willingness to fight for my life now, and I already have enough (psychological) pain. Instant death, however, is welcome at any time, please!

Hello Lonely Warrior: I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I can relate to a lot of this. It wasn't always this way, but I've been almost completely solitary for quite a few years now. From my perspective, no good has ever come from me having anything to do with anyone, in real life. So I consider my reclusiveness to be my gift to the world. The good thing, in my case, is that I'm old. So it doesn't matter. It must be much more difficult when one is still young. So I hope that, in some way, you might be able to find a way back from your despair.

I appreciate your response, because for a moment, I thought my thread was thrown to the pile of forgotten history like everything else in my life, which I think is my correct place; to be forgotten as if I've never existed. I'm of no value to any one, literally to any one. Sometimes I think if I died in my apartment, the only way for people to know about me would be the smell of my rotten body, because no one check on me. I'm just passing the time in this life, and consuming someone else's resources who might be of more value to this (alien) world. I've tried a lot to change, but to no avail. Now, I just wish to die all the time, and in a way I don't want to change.

I'm not new to these forums. I've been on and off for a while, but I remember that you always try to help (probably you are one of the few people here who genuiley try to help), and I think you are making a difference here to many people. I like your style, and your posts are full of wisdom. So, maybe being alone is transformed to making something good to others by having the time to read and respond to their threads.

Thanks

Tingling legs sounds like Chi-Kung Chinese energy system,
look it up,may help with any pain.