I Cannot Accept My Lack of Entitlement

And I'm having a bit of a hard time articulating it. But it's been racing around in my mind along with all the rage that accompanies these thoughts for the past couple hours. I've gotten worked up into this state before, and usually just let it die down, but right now I just needed to put something semi-constructive somewhere.

An article on narcissism set me off this time; I've kind of accepted the possibility that I'm a narc of some sort, but I feel so much rage actually reading descriptions that match perfectly with my experience. Yes, it does makes me angry and frustrated that I was not born elite, am not born innately good. Sometimes this is almost a motivating thought, like I want to work myself into the ground to attain a safe place amongst the best. Mostly though, it just results in a lot of impotent rage. And I know how impotent it is - my only hope at getting anything or being anything is through excrutiating labor, which, frankly, doesn't seem worth it. There's no guarantee of success. Why me indeed. Why wasn't I just born as good as other people. I wasn't, but I wish I was. That's bad, apparently.

People go on about how "you're not entitled to anything". As though people in the real world actually have to struggle and practically kill themselves with exertion to get anything at all. Yet I don't see that. I see people have friends gravitate to them, success come with moderate effort, natural good looks at most crafted with a little makeup (sidenote: sometimes I have this very distinct feeling that I look freakishly wrong. No logical reason, but like I look almost alien compared to everyone else. I'm not talking about clothes or hairstyles but more basic stuff like face structure). And I'm such a bad person for being frustrated that that's all beyond me? I know I don't do anything - but why am I so bad and wrong that I have to?

Even worse is how many innate things about my personality supposedly bespeak a disgusting sense of entitlement. My envious nature; my inability to connect with other people; my generally external locus of control. I can see all this, sure, but I can't change it. There's nothing I can do about it. And the way to get rid of a sense of entitlement is too unbearable. I don't know how anyone who isn't basically a Buddhist monk could do it.

This has been another one of my semi-coherent rants. Thanks for reading if you did.

I read and enjoyed this rant. You're very smart and a good writer.

Thanks.

I've been deeply depressed lately, sleeping weird hours, binge-eating uncontrollably, and fading in and out of philosophical distress. I find I can get over the last one more and more easily, though I'm struggling with the other two. I get so sick of feeling constantly ashamed, disgusted, angry, and self-loathing, but to do anything else feels wrong.

You were born as good as anyone else, and you have a choice (we all do) at what you do with your life. Sometimes taking ourselves OUT of ourselves, such as helping others is a big help. If you went to a nursing home, people would be warm and loving, they wouldn't notice anything off or wrong with you and would be grateful. You can connect with people.What is it you want in life? I am 70 years old and started school at age 60. When I joined the army, people told me that "it (life, army) is what you make it; that was/is true.

I pulled myself out of a childhood of molestation and poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, tub/shower) in a 120-year old tenement house with cockroaches and rats..where snow came in thru a crack in the wall..no father around and an abusive mother.

I knew I had to do something with my life and joined the army ; best decision I ever made....31-year abusive marriage; church who voted me out of membership, etc.,etc...

There was no one to guide me or help me, I just had to figure it out by myself. I don't know if my story will help or have any impact, but wanted to share that basically, we all have choices,and you do, if you choose to, get to choose what you want to do with your life.

You might consider seeing a professional; it might help. You have a right to ALL of your feelings; they are'nt right or wrong, they simply are.

You are not "bad" or "wrong"---simply human; we all feel envious and a lot of other things. So, my question is.....what do you want to do in life, and what is preventing you from doing that? There are no guarantees of success in life, or any guarantees at all.

Heh, I was in one of my depressing, philosophical moods earlier (feeling wrong and weird about the "machinelike", "mechanized" aspect of life as a living organism. How everything can be broken down - if it's all "just" biology and chemicals is it right or acceptable to value anything, including other people), that got me thinking about this again. That nihilistic mode always, always hits right when I start to feel ambitious, right when I'm dreaming up all kinds of ways to better myself, to do amazing, worthwhile things. Or just cool or useful things. But something creeps in to make me feel ashamed of wanting anything at all, or even ashamed of existing.

The thing about no guarantees is another stumbling block. If there's no guarantee of success why even bother? Why waste your time?

What do you do to occupy your time? I really have trouble falling into a rut of rumination over similar resentments over my perceived unfairness of life. This happens the most frequently - and the most pwerfully - when I have a great deal of time on my hands. The busier I am the less often I have these thoughts. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that the more occupied you are mentally I think you should see a reduction in the resentment you feel.