[csaki01]

I feel like I'm always filled with rage at everything... except I don't have anything to punch... And I'm afraid I'm going to seriously hurt the next person/thing that will give a reason for... for... I DON'T KNOW!!!?
It's like this... see... if I had the power to concentrate my rage I feel like I could blow up a planet with it! And I don't know why!! Noone is bullying me anymore... everyone thinks I'm pretty normal... (except my english teacher... she knows...)
Maybe... maybe I'm thinking too much about how worthless I am as a male person... you know... I feel like a stuttering, blushing stereotypical japanese schoolgirl whenever I'm around women... BUT HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!!
Or maybe... it's the Meaning of Life that's bothering me... (My "research" lead to the conclusion that the meaning of life is to find people to be happy with, but that's quite difficult when all I do is go to school and stay home [since there's no classical music or tap water at parties...])
PLEASE!!!! IF YOU READ THIS! SAY SOMETHING!! I'm alone... and sad... or is it emotionlessness... I don't know anymore... I don't know anything anymore... *chucke* It's ironic really... I was always the one praised for knowing everything... at the time that was my source of self-esteem... now... now I feel like everything I know is worthless... that I'm... worthless...
But I've think I ranted enough... If you've read it all the way through here... you have my thanks... I don't feel confortable talking about these things with my friends... sometimes I think they aren't even my friends, but the friends... of the person I pretend to be...
Sorry... I was ranting again...
Well, I think that's about everything I wanted to say...

[Skeezyks]

Hello csaki01: This appears to have been your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I'm sorry you are feeling so alone & worthless. I'm an older person now. But I can certainly relate to a lot of what you wrote. There were a couple of things in your post that caught my attention. One was you wrote no one's bullying you "anymore". So I take it from that there was a time when someone was? You know, I was a victim of bullying (both verbal & physical) throughout my high school years. And even now, so many years later, I'm quite certain it still has an effect on me. In fact, I have read that there is research that has been done that demonstrates bullying has a lasting effect well into adulthood. And you mentioned the rage you feel. That type of anger is something I am all too familiar with as well.

The second thing that caught my attention was your mention of the person you pretend to be. I don't know what you meant by that. Perhaps it was simply that you pretend to be happy when you're not. I have a lot of experience with pretending to be someone I'm not. There's a song by The Weepies titled: "Nobody Knows Me at All". Are you familiar with it? I kind-of consider it to be my anthem. I know how wearing it can be to try to maintain a façade. And I think you're correct. You really can't talk to your friends about this. Chances are they won't understand, won't know what to do, & probably won't really want to be burdened. At least this is my perspective with regard to that. That's a big part of why a lot of us are here on PC... because we have no one, in real life, to share with. Seeing a counselor, or mental health therapist, can also be of great help in that regard.

Anyway, I hope that being here on PC can be of some comfort & support to you. If you keep posting your own Threads & replying to other members' posts, I think you can find a lot of support here. My best wishes to you...

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much..

[csaki01]

Thanks, for understanding even if I wasn't all that clear, since I was silently screaming the whole time... I feel like just writing it all down made me lighter... Thanks again for the support, but I feel like I'll be the one to support others if I'll stay here... afterall that's probably the closest I can get to my Meaning of Life...

[CantStandMyself]

I suffer from the same breed of rage. I can't cope with it at all anymore. As much as I hate to hear another struggle with it, I'm glad I'm not alone. I was considered brilliant when I was in school. But no amount of my "brilliance" counts for anything in the real world. I feel like I've been waiting-no, practically begging- for someone to assault me so I have a legal excuse to take my rage out on someone. I wish I could help you in some way, but I can't even help myself. Just know you aren't alone. If you ever need to simply rant or scream or whathaveyou at someone, PM me. I feel like the only emotion I can truly empathize with is anger and aggression.