Can i just die?

I just feel like dying and im only 15. My mom came to me while i was doing school said i took a shelf from my brothers room after i was the one to give it to him and he gave it back. She called that a lie. Shes always snooping through my room and when i asked her about that she snarled its her house and that i snoop around being in the other parts of the house?? (like when im doing school downstairs…?) I said it would be snooping if i went in HER room. Again she said i was wrong and called me the sneak.
Than she started saying these things about me. For those who read my last post remember when she said she hates living with me. Well i brought that up and she was livid. She had her hands in fists and called me a liar. But i wasnt. I thought she waas going to hit me. I wont forget that look on her face. I wasnt lying how can she not remember? She also said it will be so good when i leave bc i wont be around people. I love everyone in my family especially my dad so i wont be happy to leave them. So this is a lie... Than she yelled what do you want me to do for you?! The problem is idk what… If i say i want her to just treat me normally shell think of me as a baby and act all fake like she does. I dont know what i want from her? To leave me alone? To stop tearing me apart? I was crying im sick of crying like a weak piece of crap. Im done with it. Now im in my room i dont know what to do. i cant bring this up to anyone bc she will be mad. She was saying how i make everything out to be her fault when i dont I think she wishes i was dead. Im in my room and i cut my wrist. Im such an idiot i havent done this in months. If she finds out she will say oh so my fault... Im not going to make it seem that way. What did i do? Im not going to complain though i dont. And im not going to cry anymore. Im sick of being weak.

Has your dad ever spoken to your mom about her behavior; if he's aware of it?

First, I want to point out that nothing you described here can/should ever be described as weakness. Crying, cutting...neither of those are weaknesses, they're coping mechanisms. It's really no wonder why you have to utilize them, dealing with a "mom" like that. My dad would call me a liar and things when I'd confront him about what he did, after some time I just felt like I was crazy and imagining everything was worse than what it was; I'm still dealing with this, though I'm coming out of it slowly. Don't let that happen here. Your mom, she sounds like she's not currently fit to be a parent. Is there any way you could talk to a school counselor about this, maybe? Just so you can speak to some adult about these things. I had to do this when I was still dealing with my dad because I'd get it real bad if I spoke to anyone else.

My dad knows whats happening and ive talked to him about it before. But i think hes kind of tired of it. He loves my mom obviously since they married. I dont want to drag him into this anymore. And i dont want to hurt him by turning him against my mom. And to finally answer your question i dont know if he has. Im sure hes brought something along the lines up. Nothing has changed though.
Im homeschooled so no school counselor. And like i said i dont really want to bring this up to anybody because I'll seem like a complainer... My mom also mockingly says "you think your such a poor abused child." Which means im not going to go to anybody and complain about her.
Also my mom is fit to being a parent because she has 4 biological kids who she treats differently than me and my two blood brothers (one of whom has been gone since 2013) and i have no contact with because of the destroyed relationship between her and him
Anyways i appreciate your help So leigheas. Thank you

I know it's not person to person, but know that you can always talk to me about these things. Posting or PM, I'll listen. I'm worried about you. Just keep talking. You're not complaining, you're venting; there's a difference. Your mom invalidates you enough, don't do it to yourself, too. Hang in there.

Any time you feel like you need someone to talk to, please come here. We will talk to you. It sounds like you are home most of the time. Do you get to socialize much? Are you a part of a church or do you take dance or other classes? It really helps so much when you have others to talk to.

Oh my gosh....
I went downstairs to eat lunch and my mom brought me my favorite soda that she bought! And in my room she bought me a bunch of frames so i can hang up my artwork which she called in a nice note beautiful! :O She never makes nice comments on my art. I think this is an apology…

Accusing and blaming is a way of wanting attention. This seems to be true for your mother. Emotionally she is not very mature. Do you have counselor at school you can see?

You can always come here and talk to us (or pm me or anyone)


I agree, seeing a school counsellor would be a good idea (stuff like this is confusing as well as hurtful

Your mother sounds almost exactly like my mother. My T believes my mother is a narcissist. Maybe try looking that up, but only if you are sure she can't see the internet search history.

Also, look up the term "gaslight" or "gaslighting". This term is basically what she is doing when you know she said/did something, but she denies it and calls you the liar.

One more note... in the cycle of abuse (even mental or emotional, not just physical), the person (your mother) will be doing their thing, calling you a liar, yelling, snooping, etc, and then for a while, everything is good. They become nice, buy you things they know you like, compliment you, offer to take you places... eventually it will end up back in the yelling and snooping and calling you a liar again. This is the cycle of abuse. This is how abusers get their "victim" (I hate that word) to stay or maintain hope.

If you ever need to talk or chat, please come on here, pm me or anyone... don't just keep you're feelings and thoughts inside, that will only make things worse in the long run.

Chaos

OMG, I'm so sorry she's "taken hold" of you again - I just finished writing a long note (that would make sense to others) but I'm going to ditch it and instead boldly say,
Step back and put the responsibility where it belongs,
because YOU KNOW BETTER-
SHE is the problem, not you!

---And how do I know U know better?
Because U had such great insight and gave me such good advice when I was telling you about how awful my Mom made me feel (someone I distanced for decades for survival, but who now AGAIN + STILL made me feel I was not worthy of living).

Please read the pms U sent me 01/01 and prior, and remind yourself that people like "our Mom's" do not deserve to have any NEGATIVE power over our feelings + emotions.
As mentioned here they are narcissistic people (self-centered, manipulative, and demanding), who often blame others for their own misery (unhappiness or failures in their own lives).

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS! - Let her find another punching bag.

SHE is not a healthy influence in your life -
And I'm giving you the exact same advice I know you would give me.

-Sure at 15, she has a lot more control over your life/feelings than my Mom does for me at 54, but I know you r wise enough to recognize it
(the abuse + control).
UR level-headed and wise, and I'm hoping you'll soon realize that
distance from her is necessary for your own survival.

Being out of the house for school and/or other activities might be a good way to start breaking free of her control.
I don't now why ur homeschooling, but if at all possible, I think going to school outside the home (public or private), could be the first step, to distance yourself from her.
Please try,
You have way too much to offer, to let some screwed-up + miserable woman, knock you down.
And although I hope her nice gestures are a sign that she realizes she's gone too far, you can't risk letting her have such a big influence on how you feel about life.