I don't want to go to meditation tonight. It's a class, and logically I know it will be good for me and will be nice to be with other people. But I don't want to and I feel like this really unhealthy resistance. Gahhh why. Why must I be like this. I put my life on hold for my emotions and i don't know how to stop.

Negative: if I can't do this, I can't do anything. I'm trying and failing at showing up. so hard. What if I can never work.

Positive: I will get lots of chances. If I don't go tonight, I can go to the next class. If I really want to. I will work someday. Soon. I'm productive, and thats good.

I'm SO angry with myself. I can't even do this stupid class. I just want to meet people but no.

I'm never going to amount to anything.

[DechanDawa]

Here is something I learned as a meditation student. Start "meditating" while at home preparing to go to the class. If you change clothes, or comb your hair do it mindfully. Start "being in the class" while still at home getting ready to go. I used to do this when I first started meditating and it really helped. Of course I am sure once you are there you will be fine. You need to overcome the ruminations with mindful action.

[Gojamadar]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I don't want to go to meditation tonight. It's a class, and logically I know it will be good for me and will be nice to be with other people. But I don't want to and I feel like this really unhealthy resistance. Gahhh why. Why must I be like this. I put my life on hold for my emotions and i don't know how to stop.

Hi,
It is not the end of the world! If you don't want to go to meditation it is because you subconsciousdeem it to be useless!
Find some activity (or inactivity) you fancy doing. Better still, try many different things!

[DechanDawa]

I have done activities I liked but still had a hard time getting to them. It has to do with maybe being depressed or self-conscious. I think once you get yourself there you will be fine.

I didn't do the dishes for a couple of days. Today I forced myself to do them despite that fact I didn't feel like it. It was hard at first, very hard. But it got easier once I started. Now I feel even motivated to prepare something to eat, which is something I haven't done for at least a week. I've noticed this pattern over and over again; getting started is always the hardest part, but once you've started things get easier, and you become motivated to do other things as well. If the resistance is powerful, and it can be at times, I know that, maybe start with something at home. Force yourself to do something easy. This may feedback a positive energy to you that will help you go to the class.

Thank you everyone. This is something I'm working on, showing up. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I'm going easy on myself right now. Was so frustrated earlier. Thank you again.

I also have struggles with showing up to do things, even if I know they'd be good for me. Just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.

[Thunder Bow]

Do not talk yourself into a corner over this. If you feel like not going, then do not go. There must be a reason for this.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to your struggle so much.. I understand your feelings

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Do not talk yourself into a corner over this. If you feel like not going, then do not go. There must be a reason for this.

Last week was the first week. It was like a culture shock to me. The way everything was, there. We all sat on pillows and it was dark in the room and there was a certain way to do things and they were teaching us how, and they kept coming over to me, because I was uncomfortable on the pillow, trying to help. and I felt so self conscious. about myself. about my body. everything. finally I just said I want to sit in a chair. Go me! But then I started crying. No one noticed, thank god. I hope. I considered leaving but it would have been a disruption and brought more attention. afterward we all sat and discussed stuff, like why we were there. When it got to my turn, I was so nervous my heart was beating so fast. I just said my name, and that I wasn't comfortable speaking in a group like that, and then it was the next persons turn.

There were things I liked about it too. Some of my classmates seemed really nice. But I dunno if I'm going back. I don't want to write stuff off like that just because I have a bad emotional reaction. but I also...it makes me not want to go back.

[MatBell]

I know the issues og not showing up so much. If you're too exhausted to go, don't be hard on yourself. Maybe next time. I thought about going to a group meeting today, but I was way too tired and haven't had a good day, so that didn't happen.

[DechanDawa]

Your reactions are typical of a new student of meditation. As far as sitting on the pillow it is traditional but not needed. Yes, you are being told to sit in a certain way because proper alignment of the body is needed to breathe freely. Meditation is ancient, thousands of years old, and the various techniques are there for a reason. It sounds like your ego was getting in the way. That is exactly what happens when first starting meditation. The ego and the "me, me, me" part of the self starts clamoring for attention. Meditation is designed to cut through the constant demands of ego. Meditation is a discipline, like martial arts. I am not sure why you were there. Maybe you aren't ready for the discipline of meditation and should try some other kind of class such as an art class or a yoga class.

I have meditated before. I just had a hard time with the culture shock and stuff. I will try next week.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I have meditated before. I just had a hard time with the culture shock and stuff. I will try next week.

What exactly do you mean by "culture shock." Are you going to a spiritual center to do this?

I also don't know why the room would be dark. In the decades I have meditated in myriad group settings a dark room was never a thing. Frankly, a dark room would put me off. Of course I have gone to candlelit contemplative services, but I think that is a different thing.

Finally, if you have meditated before, and you don't seem to feel comfortable with the "culture shock and stuff" of this venue, why are you forcing yourself to participate? It sounds stressful.

Hey DechanDawa, I posted above about my experience there. Don't know if you read it. I've been pushing myself to go back, because I don't want to just run away when difficult things happen. Also some people seemed nice. I have no idea if I will actually go back. I suppose it was just a new place and thats why it felt like culture shock. But yes, it was dark, and felt very formal, and it was weird because it seemed very disorganized at the same time. I'm not sure how much I really feel like posting about this right now. I'm emotionally drained right now from my life and day in general. Thanks for trying to help though. I feel ok atm