[Marylin]

Pain from the past,being verbally attacked and bullied,by smug,vicious,nasty posers,I feel angry still,the memories of my victimisation makes me want to find my bullies and spit in their faces get some kind of revenge,nasty,cruel, evil crappy people.Back in the 80's it was class war in this country,rich had plenty,poor had nothing but rich pretended they were poor and blamed the poor for their own poverty,so they did not get targeted they pretended they were the ones without,and jealous of anyone with any real substance and meaning without the need for money they competed and lied their way into and out of opportunities.These were the posers,pretenders,bullies,cheaters,buying and selling essays they cheated their way through university and shat on anyone they perceived as weak.Horrible times.I had my first psychoses back then and for me it felt like the world had ended for me.The emotional pain I was in was unbearable.I was drugged up on anti psychotics which worsened my condition and made me sleep 14 hours a day for seven years.I had crashed and burned,bullied and isolated,I lost all my self respect and was deep in humiliation and self hatred.

Tonight I am finding myself with memories of back then it is due to the prospect of joining groups again around political issues,a source of humiliation and embarrassment for me back then.I keep expecting the same results now.But that was thirty years ago i am much stronger,more mature, much better defended now in myself,but the past seems so real,more real than the present,and the burning humiliation is on my face again and I feel like a nobody a piece of ****.I feel like a loser,a nobody all over again,like I am stupid and will be found intellectually lacking and fall short,that someone will try and embarrass me and I won't be able to show my face again,just like thirty years ago.

How do I overcome this fear of embarrassment,I can't tell a counsellor for fear of their reaction.I don't want to be judged.

[bearguardian]

Originally Posted by Marylin

...But that was thirty years ago i am much stronger,more mature, much better defended now in myself,but the past seems so real,more real than the present,and the burning humiliation is on my face again and I feel like a nobody a piece of ****.I feel like a loser,a nobody all over again,like I am stupid and will be found intellectually lacking and fall short,that someone will try and embarrass me and I won't be able to show my face again,just like thirty years ago.

Im still working on time schemes myself. Maybe try to visualize time, as a circle, or a past-present-future line or a vertical imaginary like.
Past still exists on this scheme, and also the future. Imagine some imaginary time ideal future of your best self. But also see your past vulnerable self. See that they are all really living in imaginary time and Only your observation gives them meaning.
They are imprinted in your head and are there to stay. But seal them as illusions.
This partly helped me. But I said Im still working on it and who knows what may hit me anytime.
Good luck.

[Marylin]

Thanks for your reply,something similar occurred to me,back then in the past were some of the worst times of my life,I used to imagine my future self communicating with me back then from the future ,reassuring me ,telling me that what I am going through now,then,will be over and I will be safe and ok and nothing I am worrying about now,then,will matter very soon.It helped me through the nightmare of the past.

I have only ever looked forward to the future as bright,I am working on ways to have confidence in the present.Writing the above post helped a lot tonight,to get old wounds out of my system,you can't ignore painful memories,something in the present inevitably triggers you and they come flooding back and with PTSD which I have the emotions are real like you are only just having them and they can be so painful and crippling.What I thought was deep depression was past emotions processing the past and shinning them old wounds into the light of the present.Part of me needs to know the past is over and even those old memories and emotions can't continue to hurt me in the present.
I acknowledge the truth of this.

The present,making new friends I can do that successfully,all I need to do is to remain positive in my thinking and seek positive experiences and refuse to let other more competitive people get to me.This isn't so hard because at one time when I was much younger,age 16,I was very sociable, warm, friendly,positive,confident and competent,and I had people like me and lean on me.
So I think if I can choose to see time as a figure eight spiralling upwards consisting mainly of successes and good times,and shining a light on the present it may help me see the past bad memories at the bottom of the spiral and good times going up the spiral with only more good times to come.That helps a lot.

In times of positivity all pain and fear are viewed as illusions.FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing REAL>It is hard to hold onto this when in the grip of an emotional painful memory,but I am going to have these threads and posts to read back and refer to,I am sure I will get through this and can go forward with my foundations to build a new social life.

Thanks though Bearguardian your suggestion helps a lot.

[bearguardian]

It just occured to me to see also the possibilities of future and even pasts. Like all the selves that could have or will exist. It ads up to illusory nature of everything.
Spirals are also great maps. Thanks to you also.

[bearguardian]

and thanks for girl interrupted... may watch it tonight