It's not the first time I write this, but I was up all night surfing these forums, and I actually was OK, but then I started reading some of the struggles in the social life of others, and it hit me suddenly (again) what a failure I am in life. This is because these struggles I read reminded me of how I don't have any of these problems even remotely because I've never had a social life. Even in the replies, people give replies from their own experience in their social life, while I have non of that. Literally zero. If I post something I use only common sense. We can call this the problem of no problems.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to build my own social life with my own choices without settling. Once I was trying. But something has changed in me, probably permanently. My past experiences in the social life have changed how I view people, and more importantly myself as socially inept. Probably I'd have to rely on family if I desperately wanted a social life, which makes me look and feel worse than a loser. It shatters my self-image, my self-respect and my self-esteem. I'm actually on a moment of deciding if I am going home or not after being abroad for many years studying and working, and it seems to me going home now is in a sense declaring that I've given up hope and on myself, because it's not my first choice to go home.

Just venting.

[TishaBuv]

Because you are not interacting socially with people you are not having experiences. How and why have you avoided people?

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

...it seems to me going home now is in a sense declaring that I've given up hope and on myself, because it's not my first choice to go home.

Giving up on a given hope, goal or dream and giving up on oneself would seem to me to be different things. My own hopes, goals and dreams have changed and even fallen apart or failed many times throughout my life, but I have never yet given up on myself and at least looking for what to try next.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Because you are not interacting socially with people you are not having experiences. How and why have you avoided people?

That's right. I've avoided people simply by avoiding every informal social occasion I could avoid. I'm not sure if I know the exact answer for the question of why I've avoided people because it's become like a habit to me, but I think it's a combination of fear, inability to connect, not finding like-minded people, and my past failed experiences.

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Giving up on a given hope, goal or dream and giving up on oneself would seem to me to be different things. My own hopes, goals and dreams have changed and even fallen apart or failed many times throughout my life, but I have never yet given up on myself and at least looking for what to try next.

I meant that I'll have no more believe in myself in trying to find my own way. To live my own life as I want to live it. The thing is, going home isn't trying something new, it's returning to something old. It's to retreat. That's why I feel like giving up. People would do anything to be in my place, and I'm giving everything up because of my weakness. It's like proving to myself and others that I couldn't manage life.

[TishaBuv]

It sounds like you don't want to go home, so why go home? Is it money?

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It sounds like you don't want to go home, so why go home? Is it money?

Going home is because I feel lonely and isolated where I am now. Staying where I am now isn't about money. I can make more money in other countries. But it's about freedom and quality of life. The problem I cannot have both at the same time (I mean quality of life and not feeling isolated or having a social life), at least not right now. It's very hard to make a final decision regarding this.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to your feelings.. I can't really give solid advice regarding this (or anything else, really) because of no experience.. it looks silly, doesn't it?

[TishaBuv]

Making a list of pros and cons should help.

[Thunder Bow]

What kind of social life do you want for yourself?

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

What kind of social life do you want for yourself?

It would be nice to have one person in my life. Someone with whom I will have some connection. Someone to go out with and visit places together. Someone who checks on me from time to time. Someone I can put to be contacted in case of an emergency when I visit a hospital. Maybe I have other good traits, but my lack of social skills give my all other good traits almost zero value. Social skills are like 1 and every other good trait is like a zero to the right. Without social skills, everything else is a bunch of zeros. No one cares about them. No wonder why I feel my life is empty and meaningless.

[VanGore28]

Have you tried internet to meet up with old friends like facebook or apps that show you people in your area? There are others out there who have found themselves sort of stranded. For me my friends moved on, either hung out with workmates, started a family or we grew apart. But in last few years I met a couple of friends - one was through facebook even though it does my head in seeing how good other peoples social lives are compared to mine. The other was through a mental health group. You could try checking out the groups - sport, art, martial arts, pool/snooker etc. or volunteer work . Just keep searching. go on a dating site and say you are also interested in just being friends. Maybe you like your own company, that's what I found about myself I'm such an introspective artistic type. I think this made people question me at school . I hope u can find something worth trying.
Meantime u can read some self help books download them on your kindle. Ones like heal your loneliness, inner child, dare to connect, that sort. I got into music again and read graphic novels, love comics now.
Best of luck, there's someone out there for you

I do like to be alone, but not all the time. I would like to find someone when I need them. To go out every once in a while. I feel embarrassed to go out alone. I lost all my old connections except for one, and he lives half the world away. Also, I would like to start a family at my mid 30s, and lacking of social skills isn't helping me there either. Which is natural if you cannot form even a friendship first. I tried different groups and different dating sites. Nothing worked. But that's OK. I was just venting. Sometimes I have what feels like a wake up from a sleep and suddenly I realize my reality, although I'm often thinking of leaving from or staying where I am now because of my social isolation. Thanks for your post, though. Much appreciated.

[DechanDawa]

Have you considered that you fall somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum scale? You clearly know what you want, and you know the obstacles in your way. Perhaps you should undergo testing, and seek counseling in the specific areas you want to improve. It seems that cognitive behavioral therapy might help. For instance, you describe yourself as arrogant and this arrogance may put people off. You might try restraining yourself when you feel like saying something arrogant as this would not help in social situations.

You also talk about having a friend, or possibly a wife, or going home to be with your family -- but all of these in relation to how it would help you. I think you are missing a basic key in life...that is, to see how you can be of benefit to others, and not always how they can benefit you. Your parents are probably getting older. If you went home you might be able to be of help and comfort to them in their old age. They aren't going to be around forever.

If you stay where you are perhaps you could volunteer your time such as tutoring high school kids in your area of expertise. You say you have a lot to offer...and maybe you could find ways to offer it. You obviously get too emotional when isolating, such as crying for hours at a time. You need to find ways to channel these emotions better. Finding better ways of coping when emotions become overwhelming might help so that emotions will not obstruct problem solving. You need to help yourself to get strong and fight adversity. Best of luck. Hope this third time around on Psych Central helps you.

I might have ASD because I show some traits. I did some tests here and it says it's probable. I also think my father has ASD because he is not sociable as well, and has difficulty regulating his emotions, just like me.

It's not objective to say this, but I don't think I'm arrogant, and I didn't say I'm one. I said people view me so, and the reason is because I isolate and don't initiate. I isolate and don't initiate because I'm afraid to be rejected because I get anxious and nervous around people, and because that's all I can think of from my past experience.

You are right. I need to look what to offer to others, not only what to expect from others. Which is an issue I think. Why? Because I don't offer what people are looking for. I'm not funny, not interesting, don't have hobbies, don't do small talks, don't like to go out, don't like to travel, ... etc. I can do formal things, but getting personal is something completely different. But I also don't expect from others to change me. But I was implying that a relationship may motivate me when I feel I have responsibilities, when I have a purpose, artificial that is.

I was making a point that I don't want to go home for the sheer reason that I cannot manage life where I am now. I need to feel that I have the choice to go home. That it's not a surrender to life. Going home now means I failed.

I love my parents, but there are many factors in play also. I have to sacrifice something. I try my best to call them to feel connected. And honestly, I feel we get along together better on distance. I'm still debating my choices, though. But the main thing that keeps me debating the idea is that I don't want to go home, and then regret it for the rest of my life. I don't think my parents would be happy if I wasn't happy.

[DechanDawa]

You have a strong logical side. Perhaps the nature of conflict in life disturbs you. In this way DBT may help, as it asks a person to hold two seemingly opposing truths...hence Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. One main truth in DBT, for instance, is to practice self-acceptance while at the same time realizing that one needs to change. I am not saying this is easy. However, I can relate to the enormous tension that builds up when I cannot "figure something out" logically.

I understand you wanting to correct the assumption that your are arrogant, to a more truthful "fact" that you are not really arrogant but are simply perceived as such. However, we still need to be aware of how we are perceived.

Coming on Psych Central can be supportive and helpful up to a certain point. It cannot replace individual therapy or an independent plan or strategy. Members throw out all kinds of suggestions and relate what works for them. For some it is therapy and medication. For others nutrition and exercise are key. And still others lean on a close-knit family or a spiritual community.

I think you need to try various things. You prefer not to do therapy at this time. You are no longer interested in religion. You also do not seem to be interested in medication. You do engage in exercise. You also seem to enjoy philosophical debate. Applied Existential Philosophy might be something you might enjoy.

However, since your main problem appears to be in the area of relationships, it seems that "relational therapy" might be helpful. That simply means finding a therapist or counselor to talk with. One-on-one. Face-to-face. In real time.

You are in a great deal of pain. It is palpable through every sentence you write. You are in crisis. This is evident in the number of threads you have recently written. You really, really, really need help.I know it is difficult when in deep pain to contemplate moving out of your comfort zone to try something new. But you might need to consider this. You could find a therapist or counselor to go to short-term, to talk to about your present crisis, your problem making decisions etc. Often people seek counseling when in transition...like going through a divorce, the death of a loved one, job loss, or trying to make career decisions i.e. redirect one's career path.

I myself have not been successful in finding counseling and I have been looking for over a month. I am taking a little break from looking...but I will probably go back to my search. I have had two free consultations but neither resulted in finding someone appropriate to talk with.

However, I do see the benefit of talking to someone regularly when in crisis. I have a psychologist from my health care provider who calls me once a week. Unfortunately I cannot see her in "real time" as I cannot afford it. However, these "phone visits" are free.

I also called crisis hotlines many times in December, because I could not control my anxiety when alone, and, as well, was experiencing suicidal ideation. I experimented and called different crisis hotlines. Some people I spoke to were extremely helpful. Mainly I got help in applying coping skills. This is exactly what I needed...and...talking to someone helped me tailor these various exercises. Eventually the suicidal ideation faded and now I would say I am simply severely depressed.

The point is I did start to reach out simply because the pain was unbearable. You put up with an unbearable amount of pain. Maybe you could use some help in reducing it a little around the edges. There are probably resources where you live and you may need to become more proactive in reaching out and finding them. It isn't easy. But you have a lot of your plate right now and you don't want to create a lot of stress fractures in your psyche. Best wishes.

I am not a fan of therapy but I know that short-term therapy can be helpful in breaking through isolation.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I might have ASD because I show some traits. I did some tests here and it says it's probable. I also think my father has ASD because he is not sociable as well, and has difficulty regulating his emotions, just like me.

Have you considered pursuing ASD assessment/diagnosis? I have a friend who did this a couple of years back, a very intelligent academic (I believe there is a higher than average AS within academia) but she had always had difficulties 'fitting in' (for want of a better word). When she got her diagnosis she felt relief at the explanation for difficulties she had experienced.

PS - I will add I have some traits myself and score higher than average on the AQ test, I have never pursued assessment. Sometimes I wonder if I should.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Have you considered pursuing ASD assessment/diagnosis? I have a friend who did this a couple of years back, a very intelligent academic (I believe there is a higher than average AS within academia) but she had always had difficulties 'fitting in' (for want of a better word). When she got her diagnosis she felt relief at the explanation for difficulties she had experienced.

PS - I will add I have some traits myself and score higher than average on the AQ test, I have never pursued assessment. Sometimes I wonder if I should.

Actually, no. As you know I'm not a big fan of therapy and diagnosis for that matter.

ASD is probably one of those disorders that you need to make adjustments. There is no medications for it because the brain is atypical. You need to learn some social skills. To imitate neurotypical people.

As for the correlation between ASD and academia, I think the reason is that people with ASD are usually intellectually smart, but more importantly they suffer socially and cannot fit, so, they compensate in other areas like art and education. Actually, I heard that Einstein was suffering from ASD. Also Issac Newton. I'm not sure about Einstein, but Issac Newton definitely had issues in his social life.

I must add that I have very strong emotions. But I'll have one at a time. Sometimes I feel very sympathetic and very sensitive. Others very angry (I can really hurt people but not physically when I'm angry). Yet others very frustrated. I also switch between them instantly. Any trigger can make me switch.

I wouldn't guess that you have traits of ASD. But to be fair, it's difficult to evaluate a person online. For example, people think I'm sociable online, while I'm actually absolutely not.

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

It would be nice to have one person in my life. Someone with whom I will have some connection. Someone to go out with and visit places together. Someone who checks on me from time to time. Someone I can put to be contacted in case of an emergency when I visit a hospital. Maybe I have other good traits, but my lack of social skills give my all other good traits almost zero value. Social skills are like 1 and every other good trait is like a zero to the right. Without social skills, everything else is a bunch of zeros. No one cares about them. No wonder why I feel my life is empty and meaningless.

Why not have that other person be you? Have connection with yourself. Go out and visit places with yourself. Check in with yourself from time to time to see how you are doing. In an emergency, you take care of yourself. Stop putting yourself down. Forget the "Social Skills" and just be yourself. That is when you start making connections with others.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

Actually, no. As you know I'm not a big fan of therapy and diagnosis for that matter.

ASD is probably one of those disorders that you need to make adjustments. There is no medications for it because the brain is atypical. You need to learn some social skills. To imitate neurotypical people.

As for the correlation between ASD and academia, I think the reason is that people with ASD are usually intellectually smart, but more importantly they suffer socially and cannot fit, so, they compensate in other areas like art and education. Actually, I heard that Einstein was suffering from ASD. Also Issac Newton. I'm not sure about Einstein, but Issac Newton definitely had issues in his social life.

I must add that I have very strong emotions. But I'll have one at a time. Sometimes I feel very sympathetic and very sensitive. Others very angry (I can really hurt people but not physically when I'm angry). Yet others very frustrated. I also switch between them instantly. Any trigger can make me switch.

I wouldn't guess that you have traits of ASD. But to be fair, it's difficult to evaluate a person online. For example, people think I'm sociable online, while I'm actually absolutely not.

Yes I agree about the adjustment thing, the people I know with ASD have all done that to some degree and with varying degrees of success.

This thread isn't about me but where I score on the AQ are mostly the traits I always previously put down to introversion. I do sometimes struggle socially too, I try very hard to read social cues (again, adaption), I do 'get' what you write about trying to fit in and I express myself better in writing too. (There are other things too, sensory, but like I say it's not about me).

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

It would be nice to have one person in my life. Someone with whom I will have some connection. Someone to go out with and visit places together. Someone who checks on me from time to time. Someone I can put to be contacted in case of an emergency when I visit a hospital. Maybe I have other good traits, but my lack of social skills give my all other good traits almost zero value. Social skills are like 1 and every other good trait is like a zero to the right. Without social skills, everything else is a bunch of zeros. No one cares about them. No wonder why I feel my life is empty and meaningless.

Why not have that other person be you? Have connection with yourself. Go out and visit places with yourself. Check in with yourself from time to time to see how you are doing. In an emergency, you take care of yourself. Stop putting yourself down. Forget the "Social Skills" and just be yourself. That is when you start making connections with others.

[VanGore28]

Thunder Bow has made a valid point. In the meantime you have to do some soul searching and be at ease in your own company. Go to a coffee shop and people watch just let world roll by.
I would try and forget about the link between social skills and aspergers. The last thing u need if your down is to find out something is "wrong" with you.
I've been through spells of being alone as in not a friend in sight. The thing is I thought I may have been a schizoid or have a schizo typal personality. But I'm just ordinary schizophrenic n bipolar. It was underlying my whole life but didn't explain everything.
When I was in psyche ward a nurse told me I had an attitude problem and that I was arrogant. It was a defence mechanism .
Back to you. I think you should contact a GP and say your crying all the time this indicates depression. Sometimes a person can get by with just enough contact from others, more acquaintances than friends and one day some part of us just awakens and we realise we've been missing out. Then we have to stop the regret setting in and find out why we lived way we did and managed on our own. Having a therapist to confide in isn't a sign of weakness

I did this before. Actually, not this last summer, but the one before, I was doing everything alone. I was going to movies alone. I was walking in parks alone. I was biking alone, I was attending events alone ... etc. I enjoyed it to some extent, but also I was hoping to form connections by "putting myself out there". I also was going to meetup groups. Nothing worked at all.

And beside I was alone which seemed awkward by itself (people probably thought I had issues), I felt doubly awkward because I'm from a different culture. Not necessarily on how people perceive me, but how I perceive myself in comparison to others. I feel I'm different, and this makes me very self-conscious. I also struggle to communicate with others. My technical English that I use for my work is not bad, but for everyday life it's not that good (no wonder!!). I usually feel anxious and shy to talk to people in my own language, let alone in a foreign language. It takes me a huge courage to go to a coffee shop and order something. If there is someone else than the cashier (??) I feel very embarrassed and I feel they look at me which they usually do, and I simply hate it. Maybe with someone I would feel more confident. Even with proper English I still have some accent

All of these things are contributing factors, but not causes. The cause is that I'm not sociable, and have anxiety, and don't know how to connect with people in general. I've chosen to be isolated after experimenting with other alternatives. It wasn't my first choice. For the people watch part, yesterday I went out to do something for a couple of hours, and I absolutely looked at the face of no one. I saw the shape of people passing by me, and standing and sitting beside me, and heard them, but I didn't look at anyone in the face . That's how anxious I feel around people. I feel people are judging and looking at me, which makes me act as a soldier in the presence of his officer. It's silly, but true.

You are as good as anybody else.

The shy/avoiding eye contact thing I had when I was young. The thing was I loved to draw and was fascinated by faces, so I would look at faces while sitting on the train, thinking about the features and how I would draw them. A while after if there were regular commuters I used to imagine what their lives might be like, I had whole imaginary back stories for them and no one knew but me. Lol. The thing is there are lots of little distraction techniques we can learn to divert our energy from anxiety, it's finding what works for you.

[DechanDawa]

What I have observed is that you engage in circular thinking. You come on and present a problem or problems. Many people respond and give you lots of support and advice. Each time you respond to advice mostly by defending yourself, or explaining how you have tried something and it hasn't worked.

I think maybe it would be helpful if you started fresh. That is, try some things that you have not tried before. Or, try something that perhaps you only half-heartedly tried before. Throw yourself into a solution. There are so many suggestions on this thread alone.

My suggestion was for you to seek a counselor or therapist to talk with, even short term, to help you prioritize your needs/desires, and to come up with strategies to get to where you want to go.

Since you did not reply to my comment I assume you rejected my idea. I won't take it personally because you often reject people's suggestions either overtly or covertly.

You engage in circular thinking. This is probably the result of being alone so much. I think it is imperative that you find someone to talk with in real life. This is a powerful way to break through circular thinking.

You often make comments on other people's threads. They are usually insightful, and often very kind. People appreciate your comments, it appears. This is one way Psych Central is good for people as it allows for the exchange of support. In a way it is social, too.

However, it has now been proven that the "brain" does know the difference between real life situations as opposed to artificial situations such as the internet. We were meant to interact face-to-face. The brain is fed differently in real life situations. Your anxiety in being around people in real life kind of bears this out. It seems you are more comfortable online. Aren't we all! But our brain benefits more from real-life stimuli.

Because you go round and round and round it is very frustrating to be involved with your dilemma. I think repetition without solution causes a dilemma to become drama. I am becoming more aware of this is my life. Drama frustrates people and causes them to lose interest.

I don't see what the big deal is with having a psychiatric examination. I had one last Autumn. I wanted to determine if the cause of my problems was a mood disorder or a personality disorder. A psychiatrist did my assessment. The result was I did not have either of these. The psychiatrist outlined what he thought I should do to improve my mood and my life, and one thing he suggested was to see a counselor. Although I initially resisted this I am now engaged with trying to find some kind of counseling situation. Even if short-term. I have not yet been successful in finding someone. But I will keep trying.

When I recently lost my (new) job I came on Psych Central and got a lot of support and encouragement to keep going until I find something more appropriate. What was most interesting was that I made a lot of posts, and they formed a kind of journal. I was able to go back and read about my own experiences. I made a lot of mistakes at the job...the first one being maybe I should not have taken it in the first place as it was a bad fit. The point is, I got a lot of help from folks here on Psych Central. I really listened to what everyone had to say. And it was helpful to go back and read everything I wrote. This kind of documentation of one's journey is helpful, and keeping the same avatar and staying on Psych Central for a period of time can also be very helpful.

I don't see why finding out (officially) that you fall somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum would have a negative effect. You are a seeker of truth, always, so I cannot imagine you would flinch from a diagnosis. It can only help you. You can identify ways you might improve certain skills in order to improve you life, overall.

I think I can speak for everyone here when I say you seem to be an extraordinary person. You have great intelligence. That you feel deeply isn't a negative. You present as passionate, and someone who really wants to thrive in his life. It is like you are trying to fit all the pieces of a puzzle together, and you find they don't fit. Well, they do fit...but this is perhaps a very complicated puzzle, akin to a Rubik's Cube. The solution is not yet clearly evident.

But there are solutions. Since you don't care much for my comments I will refrain from further comments on your threads. I wish you well. I sincerely, sincerely do. You deserve more from life than to always be in pain. As well, you are too young and vigorous to give up. Don't give up my friend. You are not too old. You are in your prime. You have resources. Follow the light at the end of the tunnel. Follow the light, always.