[Veledass]

Dear All,

First of all, thank you for the acceptance in the forum!
I am newbie here, so please excuse me if i do not post my thread in the right part of the forum.

My problem started from the moment i understood that my son, development wasn't quite normal.
Actualy all get started from his birth which was traumatic and after that his care became so stressful.
Due to normal dilivery, my son received anbceffalhematom after that he had a reflux then he recived a febrile seizure. An so on and so on till the moment my son was diagnosed with child autism.
From that moment on I was crying every day and I could not begin to blow what happens to me.
Constantly wondering why, but as you know there was still no unambiguous scientific advice on why some children were born with autism ..
If you wonder why i have not visisted a psychologist, it is because all funds gofor my son`s therapies like ABA and ocupational therapist.
I am planning to make an appointment for a cancer operation of tyroid gland, that partly might explain the depression(it is typical for hypotyroid patients with Hasimoto).
The positive thing here is that i find a solution to feel a bit better, started working part time.That really improved my depression episodes.
The worst thing is that once i feel ok and after a couple of minutes my mood changes to anger or just started yell at my son.

My main goal in my life was to have a good family and kid, but now i failed in that field.I feel total loser.
I am 36 and cannot say that i achieved anything so far.
Sorry for complaining.....

You ARE worth it! give yourself the freedome to look after your own needs. And, it is okay to feel the struggle you are facing.

What kind of supports do you have?

- Find some support groups; not just those for parents with autistic youngsters, but a support group for 'care givers'
- are you able to have 'home care' services (not sure what that would be called there) come in and relieve you each week?
- are service dogs an option there? My friend has had one for several years for her daughter. It has benefited the entire family (this dog is also an 'alert' dog for her daughter's epilepsy and other medical conditions)

[Nammu]

Anger in such situations is normal, but I do urge you to look for support so you can vent it in a healthy way.

My main goal in my life was to have a good family and kid, but now i failed in that field.I feel total loser.
I am 36 and cannot say that i achieved anything so far.

What if I were to tell you I disagree? Reading your post I see someone who is coping best she can with her son, from my perspective that is so far from a 'loser'. You have a challenging set of circumstances, your own health issues would be enough to floor many people, your son's condition also - combined together you have a lot on.

Support is essential - do what you can to research what is available in your area, some places have support groups for families/carers of autistic children - the great thing about this is not only the coping strategies and tips you can learn but knowledge that you are not alone.

You know it is not helpful to yell at your son, he cannot help how he is anymore than you can help it. Learning self calming and relaxation may help a lot here.

Take good care of yourself.

I have an autistic niece and had (sad story) an autistic nephew. My observations of them were: Autistic children are very challenging. They have "tunnel vision" (once they want/like something, they will not be deterred from it). Sometimes quick to anger but also quick to forgive. Actually are very loving, just impulsive and extremely active when they are very young. Even if your health was 100 percent, it takes a lot of patience to deal with autistic children when they are young. Don't feel bad about complaining here. My niece's mother would get depressed sometimes (especially when she was very young) because her job was just SO tough sometimes. Hopefully, when your son starts school, that will give you a bit of a break during the day that will help you. The fact that you want to do better means that you are not a loser. You sound like a very good mom. No one is perfect.

[MickeyCheeky]

It takes a lot to raise a child, if he's autistic it's even more challenging. Try your best; I'm sure you're a great mom and your chil will grow up well In the meantime, feel free to vent here for support, ok?

[Unrigged64072835]

My daughter is on the spectrum. It's a hard job to do, no doubt. She is doing well now but still has moments when she's "low on spoons." Take time to write out your anger, also find people to talk to who also have autistic children. You're not alone.

[Veledass]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

You ARE worth it! give yourself the freedome to look after your own needs. And, it is okay to feel the struggle you are facing.

What kind of supports do you have?

- Find some support groups; not just those for parents with autistic youngsters, but a support group for 'care givers'
- are you able to have 'home care' services (not sure what that would be called there) come in and relieve you each week?
- are service dogs an option there? My friend has had one for several years for her daughter. It has benefited the entire family (this dog is also an 'alert' dog for her daughter's epilepsy and other medical conditions)

Justafriend306,

Thank you for your helpful comments in this thread!
Yes, i have friends among the other mothers of autistic children, and when i accompany my son to ABA therapy i 2 hours off so if the other mothers are there, we went to a cafeteria and have a chat, talking about life in general, and other topics.We support each other and i really appreciate the time i spend there.
I cannot afford to pay about home care right now.
In our country,the autism care and attention to our kids is still not well developed yet.But it is a very long story to discuss.
We, the mothers of a special needs kid were trying to solve our problems by ourselves.
About service dogs, i will check this out if there is such an option.

[Veledass]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Anger in such situations is normal, but I do urge you to look for support so you can vent it in a healthy way.

Thanks, Nammu!
You are absolutely right!
Now is still cold but when the whether is getting fine i will start again jogging.Sport was my remedy before i had my son.

[Veledass]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

What if I were to tell you I disagree? Reading your post I see someone who is coping best she can with her son, from my perspective that is so far from a 'loser'. You have a challenging set of circumstances, your own health issues would be enough to floor many people, your son's condition also - combined together you have a lot on.

Support is essential - do what you can to research what is available in your area, some places have support groups for families/carers of autistic children - the great thing about this is not only the coping strategies and tips you can learn but knowledge that you are not alone.

You know it is not helpful to yell at your son, he cannot help how he is anymore than you can help it. Learning self calming and relaxation may help a lot here.

Take good care of yourself.

Prefabsprout,

Thank you very much for your kind words!!
I will try to communicate more with moms like me, then i am sure i will not feel so lonely and hopeless.

[Veledass]

Hopingtrying,

You cannot imagine how true is what youare saying about"tunnel vision", the same with my son. He so focused, no let say obsessed when he wants something.I am trying not to give him what he wants, trying to put some rules and boundaries....
I totally undertsand your niece mother...

[Veledass]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It takes a lot to raise a child, if he's autistic it's even more challenging. Try your best; I'm sure you're a great mom and your chil will grow up well In the meantime, feel free to vent here for support, ok?

MickeyCheeky,

Thank you very much for you kind words!
I will not stop trying to do my best, but the exhaustion is too much, sometimes.
But every person has ups and downs..

[Veledass]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

My daughter is on the spectrum. It's a hard job to do, no doubt. She is doing well now but still has moments when she's "low on spoons." Take time to write out your anger, also find people to talk to who also have autistic children. You're not alone.

Thank you Fharraige!

Thank you for the support, you know perfectly what we are going through and what a chalenge is to raise a kid on the spectrum.
How old is your daughter, did she talk?
Because my son still don't talk, only vocalise a lot and he is hyperactive also.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Veledass

My main goal in my life was to have a good family and kid, but now i failed in that field.I feel total loser.
I am 36 and cannot say that i achieved anything so far.
I would say that you are achieving every day!!!
You are hanging in there for your son, and I'm sure you know that there are other parents who would pass on those challenges. And although I'm sure the challenges are real hard, that doesn't need to mean that you haven't still fulfilled one big goal of having a good kid. I know that some behaviours may seem anything but good using "normal" as a guide, but he will be seeing and feeling the world through "different eyes". Maybe in some areas you can help him adjust behaviours, in others adapt around them, but you can/could still have a very good kid deep down.
And taking on a part time job on top of the challenges you're facing!!! MAJOR achievement!!!
Of course that's not to trivialise how hard things may feel to you right now, and the depression after finding out can be completely understandable.........you probably had certain expectations which most parents will have..........you know the kind........natural development, first words, first day at school, teenage years, girl/boyfriends, them getting a job, moving out..........but some of those things might be different now..........so it's natural to grieve over the loss of the child you thought you'd have. And while some pretty amazing things can still happen in your son's life it can take time to grieve and adjust to a new "normal".
Wonder if you've read this..........
Autism Poem: Welcome to Holland
And naturally spending time with/getting support from other parents going through the same thing can help a lot. Including sharing some of the responsibility to allow you some time to yourself if one of those or a family member can occasionally look after your son..........having some "time out", even just to relax, can help a lot!!
As for some of the challenging behaviour you may be having I'd say maybe look at reading some stuff Tony Osgood has writen, which can give some different perspectives and reading about "Gentle teaching", although apologies if you already have.
As for you apologising for complaining though.........DON'T!!
It's not complaining (!!) it's reaching out for support, and that's a good thing!!!
I can imagine things can get real hard for you, and you deserve all the support out there!!!! So please keep on doing that!!!

Alison