Lost and torn

I feel I've written so many threads in these two months, but as if I haven't written anything. Today I feel I want to tear my body and get out. I feel trapped in my body and in life. I'm so frustrated of life. I really wish I wasn't born. I didn't ask for this life. I was brought to it and now I'm expected to live it!!! This isn't philosophy. This is my reality. I cannot live this life. I feel so small because people at my age and situation have families and kids and they take care of them. I don't know how to take care of myself. I cannot handle a small conversation with anyone even with my parents. I have very low tolerance to frustration. Sometimes I wish I didn't find this site because I keep writing these things repeatedly with no real benefit except that I hope to feel I'm being heard. As someone said it's so frustrating to engage in my threads. I guess they were right. I keep writing the same things over and over again. I want the pain to go away. I just want to vanish and die and take my eternal rest in my grave deep in the ground and be forgotten as if I didn't exist.

I hear you Mr stranger ,and if you have to say the same thing a thousand times over to feel better then so be it,we are not here to judge you only to listen and help if we can x

I hear you too, but I also have seen positivity within your posts - an awareness and understanding of the need to change. This is where you are now. It is not where you will be forever. I do believe you have the potential to move on from this stage in a productive way.

Awareness hasn't brought any change. I need some external change in my life because I cannot force myself to change. I'm hoping to find a new job in a new environment that may trigger the change, but even then I'm not sure

You are caught in the cycle of self put downs and feeling bad about yourself. No need to do that. I am not going to re-enforce that as well. You are smart enough to heal. Giving up the cycle is like losing an old friend, that is why it is so hard for you to do that. Your mind has placed a survival value to feeling bad about yourself. It goes back to early childhood feelings.

I hear you. Its not frustrating for me to empathize and hear you. Ive felt so stuck and frustrated, too. Its like the body knows what the mind doesn't, and vice versa...its been hard for me to get them to match up. Not easy, not fast. It's a delicate yet messy process, but doable in a two steps forward one step back motion (for me).
When you talk about not wanting life, I assume you mean as it now is, rather than at all. I am rooting for you to get the external stuff you need. And, whether it's shame, fear, both, or something else that tears you up inside, I am rooting for you to capture compassion and love for yourself as you struggle through molting.

Please, seek for help.. any help you find. Things can change. And keep posting as well, we care about you

Thanks for your post. You may think I'm exaggerating, but my life hasn't been but full of pain and failures. I cannot remember anything that made me happy ever. Others I guess are "intoxicated" by some good things in life. I don't have that mysterious drink. I fear death because we all fear death, otherwise we all would be dead, but I don't have the energy and/or willingness to actively live because I sort of have given up trying to live as everyone else, to have a normal life. This means that I'm only surviving or existing, which makes me feel worthless. Yes I'm educated. Yes I had a job and can have another opportunity to work if I put more effort. But neither one means much to me. I view these things as means to something (I'm not sure what that might be), but they are ends to me, because when I had a job, I didn't have a life outside my work, and I'm afraid the situation would remain the same in a new setting. I'm not sure if I'm delusional by looking for a meaning to my life.

Thanks all for the replies.

don't give up. Keep posting