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#1
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We are in our usual cycle. Torture foreplay. This never ends until I harm and humble myself, giving him the sex he wants.
Here we go-- a shot glas from Vegas that reads "Mean people suck, nice people swallow" filled with fine whiskey. And it's morning. I am a high priced wh*re. Mommy pimped me for her own gain. This man is just a shmuck. Too stupid to know how to work me. If only he were all that. Would he have chosen me? So I medicate myself to cope with having to have sex with someone I pity. How I detest that feeling! One swig Two swigs Three swigs Four The shame Exploitation The pain I endure!
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
![]() Anonymous37955, Anonymous57777, MickeyCheeky
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#2
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I'm sorry, Tisha..
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#3
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You are being controlled by this. Time to seek outside help and intervention now.
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#4
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Believe it or not, I did a little better with it this time. Only two shots of whiskey, then crying on the bathroom floor for three hours.
I told h if I'm going to be able to function and care for our son, he'd have to leave. He did. My son is sick with fever today. I'm caring for him and we watched a movie. I told my sister what happened. She said it's the same as it always is and that my h and I will make up as we always do. This is a cycle of abuse that has gone on for many years. There was no sex today. Just sadness, anger, hostility, futile acceptance. I wish there was a doctor to help. I have tried so many times. So we could go back to the CBT t, and he'd say 'and what were you thinking?' I tried to use my CBT skills during the 'attack'. This is still what happened. I'm just numb now. My stomach in knots, not eating.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
![]() Anonymous57777, MickeyCheeky
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#5
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Seek a regular therapist. Not one together, but one for yourself.
I knew this was going to happen. I had hoped it wouldn't, but all the hope in the world can't save a marriage broken beyond the point of repair. I keep telling you what to do, but you refuse. I don't know what I can do to help you anymore but offer you the same old advice I always do and that is to seek out a lawyer to help you file for divorce so you can be free at last.
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![]() MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!! [UPDATED: 4/30/2017] LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!! |
#6
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Obviously from some of the things I have posted on your threads I don't totally understand. I am sorry about that.
I am sure my H feels like he was smarter, mentally stronger and the "adult" one in our marriage. And, of course, I can think of times where this was just not the case (but on balance I now think that I am really the one who has the serious MI). Actually, before my "crack-up", he went through a very bad period in his life. It was traumatizing for me and our children. Would he have acted out less if I had been more understanding? Would it have been better for my children if I had left at that time? I don't know. I do feel guilty about how BOTH H and I must have effected our children's mental health. It is probably unhealthy for me to think about "what ifs". I do feel differently about him now. I am sorry this has been going on for so long for you. When we are angry--it hurts us more than it hurts the people we are angry at. You know that but still can't get past it. Your H is a completely different person than my H is so it is not good for me to compare our situations. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how stressful marriage can be. I guess like everyone else suggested, keep asking for and accepting help. Are you still unsure about whether or not you should divorce him? Do you think your fear about making the wrong decision is your problem? Maybe talk to a therapist who can help you work through these two things? Not a CBT therapist--you now know you have to accept yourself--one that can help you evaluate whether or not you would be better off if you divorced him and then, if you divorce, can support you during the process. <<<hugs>>> PS "I am a high priced wh*re."--that's not true, you have left him before then you came back because of sympathy. And you say right here that your pity him. I do not look at it that way at all! Last edited by Anonymous57777; Feb 19, 2017 at 07:56 AM. |
#7
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My goal is to avoid getting triggered, and exist as peacefully as I can.
My h is who he is. He's not a bad man. He wants to live peacefully, too. So we have this intimacy issue that triggers me. Now I told him sex is off the table once again. He said he was going to call the T, but he didn't, thinking there was no point. That's what he just said today. OK then. So now we'll peacefully coexist. When he isn't getting his sexual needs met, I predict he'll call the T for an appointment. It's a bad marriage, but I don't have any better alternative, plus I feel too much guilt to really leave him, plus I am still hoping for a miracle of change for the better. But I know you can't build a strong house on a weak foundation. I keep saying to him that I am only stuck with him (or at least stuck here in this house) for another four years because of our son in high school. After that, I don't have any reason to be here any more and I can go any where. Maybe then I'll go. I could go through a divorce now, but I can't bring myself to do it. When he shows me the slightest effort in the way that resonates with me i am all good feelings of love and devotion toward him. If I have BPD, here is where I flip flop. I go from contentment to fleeing. He does what he does to press my buttons. He gaslights by saying he has no clue what he does and makes me prove it again and again. Yes this does control me. It''s probably never going to stop. If my issue triggers anyone else here, please just don't even read my posts.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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