How to cope up with emotions you don't understand?

When I was a teen I joined an all girl school. I had severe social anxiety and talking to loud girls scared me, because of my awkward and silentness (actually I'm also a loud person but my unexplained anxiety shut me down) they made fun of me a lot to the extent of mentally bullying me. I didn't have any friends. I often pretended that I'm alright.

At home it wasn't any better. My father left us before I was even born. My traumatized sister was always in a bad mood, blaming every mistake on others especially my mom and me. She didn't seem to see the real world and she made every problem in her head a lot, simple mistakes become big when she was around, and I was always have to be the one being chill. When I tried to explain simple logical things to her, she seemed to always turn it around and made it into a huge problem, making me feel scared explaining to her about anything. I saw her self harming herself and told me not to tell anyone especially my mom. She and my mom often argue till morning, it woke me almost every night, but I pretended to be asleep.

I remembered how my mom told me that her first priority was my sister, and how she expected me to be independent and strong, and not to become like my sister. But it killed me to know I'm just a second.

I'm now a college student, my grades are standard but my friends are all very nice! It's so easy to make friends with anyone, both girls and guys. It has been 8 months now and things started to change. I got scared talking to girls again, especially those who are close to me. I become distant. When I'm with them I become silent, I'm always faking myself to be happy and fun. I never want to really show them how I feel, and when I'm feeling down I choose to be alone rather than to talk about it.

I'm scared how my close friends would think of me. They care about me but I kept running away, even though I don't want to lose them. But at the same time I don't know how to control myself.

Why am I like this And what can I do to make myself feel better, I'm getting anxious about everything. It seems to effect my everyday life, I become forgetful, clumsy, and simply unhappy.

When I was in college, there were periods of time when I was feeling outgoing and happy and but sometimes I also felt sort of depressed. I lived in a dormitory for 3 years of college and my roomate(s) would notice when I was slipping into depression before I even noticed it myself. You have had to learn to bury many of your emotions in order to negotiate your childhood. I went to a therapist for the first time at age 52 after a serious suicide attempt. The first skill she taught me was how to start learning to recognize what was bothering me. During my childhood, my mom would get so stressed out about stuff that I learned to hide my troubles from her. So I just kept things to myself. And I was the oldest so my mom just needed to spend more time with my brother and sister because I was more mature. For me, my emotions tend to feel like surges of adrenaline, shooting pains in my stomache etc. I don't ignore them now. I try to think about what event happened right before I got that physical feeling and analyze it. My therapist asks me to journal my feelings. I journaled a lot when I was first trying to heal. Basically, you are going to need to learn to train yourself to "feel" things. During childhood, you learned to ignore your feelings. A therapist might help. Though I had these problems, I was able to get a college degree in 4 years and I completed my master's degree while serving in the military. So you have some problems to overcome but your life can still be successful. Good luck on your journey through life.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I can relate a lot I don't show my true emotions around with other people, as well. It's scary. However, if you think they are true friends, I think you should talk with them about how you feel. If they are true friends, they will listen and accept you for what you are. If they don't.. well, maybe it wasn't such a good thing to have them around, right?

Have you tried a therapist?
Just know that we're here for you