***Trigger Warning***

***If you are vulnerable, don't read***

***Venting***

I'm really struggling with my extremely negative thoughts. I cannot stop them with all the loneliness and isolation I'm living. At this point I don't want to try to change. I just want to die peacefully with no pain. I wish my parents didn't bring me on this miserable world. I've taken the space and resources of someone else who could have done better. I'm no longer seeking or desiring anything out of this life, and I'm not contributing good to anyone. Non existence is my true place in this universe.

[Skeezyks]

[whisperingskye]

Oh i know this feeling well. Sorry you are feeling like this too. It's a horrible place to be. I hope reaching out here can help with the loneliness a little

((((Mr. Stranger))))

[Sevranyunei]

I feel bad for you. Nobody should have to go through this sort of emotional pain. If I can offer any advice, it would be to not be so hard on yourself. Everybody has a purpose in their life. Its just not always easy to find. Believe me, I've dealt with depression for a long time in my life, for a long while I didn't know what my reason for living was. Its a hard state to go through but it can be done. Now listen, not wanting to change is normal. It can be difficult to find the courage to make change in your life for yourself, and that's okay. It will hopefully help to treat yourself with more compassion though. You know, treat yourself like how you would treat a close friend/family member if they were in your shoes. More often than not it will make you feel better about yourself.

On one of my posts seeking help, one member on here (apologies I cannot remember the name of them) offered me this article which further explains a way to try and help yourself a little. Hopefully it can help you, even if its just a little bit.

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

Stay strong, because I believe in you

People get depressed on things in life, while I'm depressed on life itself and the reality of things. I'm not sure if anything could fix that.

As Dr Phil would say, 'how is this working for you?'

I feel really badly for this deep depression you are in. The fix isn't going to fall into your lap however. Yes, yes, making an effort is the last thing we want to do when we are depressed. Perhaps it is your case you don't feel you are worth making change or seeking help. Well, that is not the case. You are worth it! You are worth having things improve in your life! What then can you do? Ask for help Reach out to someone. Enacting change may entail presenting yourself to an emergency room. That is a huge favour you can do for yourself.

[Marylin]

I am sorry you feel this way Mr Stranger.I felt like it would be better I don't exist all day yesterday and periodically I get struck by feelings of wanting to die.

Negative thoughts do tend to go hand in hand with isolation and loneliness.If you were more positive you might conjure up ideas of how to get out of the loneliness and end your isolation.This book has helped me stop extremely negative states of mind.I hope it helps you too.

Hugs from me to you and I hope you will be surrounded with love soon.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Anxiety-Pho...hobia+workbook

[Fuzzybear]

[prof_x]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

People get depressed on things in life, while I'm depressed on life itself and the reality of things. I'm not sure if anything could fix that.

It seems like you're denying yourself the possibility of recovery. Are you sure this is the reality? Positively sure? Try setting your thoughts aside and help yourself anyway. Fake it till you make it. What do you have to lose?

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

People get depressed on things in life, while I'm depressed on life itself and the reality of things. I'm not sure if anything could fix that.

If you want to heal you can. If you don't want to then you will not. Is feeling Depressed about yourself is a comfortable place for you?

Do I like being like this? Of course not, because it's painful. Do I want to feel happy? Of course, but how? I have never felt happy. Probably I will survive until I die naturally because I don't want to die (we all fear death, don't we?), but my view of life is so negative, and I cannot just pretend that the world is not a miserable place to live in. There is no "recovery" for me from this. The only way to go forward is to distract myself, which I cannot do because I live alone and have no social life or any interests. Had I been distracted the whole time and things worked out with me, probably I wouldn't have thought that much about life and its meaning. Now it's too late to undo this. I don't wish to be part of propagating this misery, I just want to walk slowly (but painfully) my path til the end, where I can take my eternal rest.

I'm amazed (and actually envy) how people, even here, have this vitality to do and try many things; therapy, discussions, having fun, ... etc. As usual, I feel as a stranger to all of this.

I fear death, but I don't want to live. I wish I didn't have either feeling. Having both makes me feel trapped and stuck and crippled.

[it'sgrowtime]

I'm sorry you're feeling trapped. Therapy can be very helpful. I missed why you don't try it? It could be so good for you.
This might sound insignificant, but I wonder if your potassium level is low? A low level can make you not care if you are alive. Maybe take one a day?

Originally Posted by it'sgrowtime

I'm sorry you're feeling trapped. Therapy can be very helpful. I missed why you don't try it? It could be so good for you.
This might sound insignificant, but I wonder if your potassium level is low? A low level can make you not care if you are alive. Maybe take one a day?

I don't believe in therapy. I once went to a therapist, and the way he approached my concerns were very cold, robotic and emotionless. He treated me like something that needs to be fixed with medications with trial and error approach, not as someone with complex emotions who has concerns. I can do better without it. I'm not sure about the potassium. I do not monitor my diet. I'm sorry if the tone of the reply isn't right. I'm not at my best.

[it'sgrowtime]

Thank you for writing back. I know you're struggling. I'm feeling and hoping for you.
Ive been lucky with my counselors, I guess. I told the office upfront that I won't try or do medication. They were all students interns, and very sweet. I guess counseling has worked for me because I've learned to speak about myself and issues there. I am so slow to trust people and keep everything in.
Anyway, your posts show that you are insightful and problem solving, and I believe you when you say you can do better without it. It is a good way to have someone to see though.
I mentioned potassium because there have been times when my anxiety was really high, and at the same times my potassium would be very low. I would suddenly be understanding why people stop wanting to fight the struggles of life. I had no drive at all. I guess I'm just looking a quick fix to help you out but really..nutrients and minerals and vitamins are important! Especially when you have stress and anxiety, etc.
Keep keeping on, and we'll keep rooting for you

[BlueEyedMama]

As someone who struggles with low potassium and who takes RX potassium pills to keep it within a safe range I need to speak up here and advise you to be careful of taking OTC potassium or even loading up on potassium rich foods without getting your levels checked first. Having potassium levels that are too low OR too high can cause very serious cardiac issues.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I'm amazed (and actually envy) how people, even here, have this vitality to do and try many things; therapy, discussions, having fun, ... etc. As usual, I feel as a stranger to all of this.

I fear death, but I don't want to live. I wish I didn't have either feeling. Having both makes me feel trapped and stuck and crippled.

When I am depressed I feel the same, I can't find energy for those things either. Depression is a tricky thing, it can do this, and it feels like it is 'us' and it will never change.

All I can suggest (sorry I am short on good suggestions, I am struggling a little myself right now) is finding something that gives you a place of peace. I know you have been struggling with getting outdoors so I won't suggest that. Sometimes I find music (classical often helps me as no lyrics to distract) helps, other times art - looking at beautiful art, and enjoying the talent behind it.

When I feel depressed it's often trial and error finding the right thing to distract and soothe me, but those are a couple that help me.

I am sorry you are struggling at the moment.

I'm in the process of accepting my destiny to be alone all my life. Recently I've begun cleaning and cooking again (I was eating junk food for months). I'm also trying to read again and improve my skills to survive in this world. I admit that I'm not trying to change now, but it's just because I've tried so many times and it didn't work out. I think trying to change is the reason why I'm depressed. I'm wanting the things that I cannot get. I know change won't happen while I'm sitting at home wishing it to happen, and I don't expect it to happen. I actually no longer want it to happen, and I wouldn't welcome it if it happened. If I couldn't find it when I desired it, I definitely don't want it when I no longer desire it.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

Recently I've begun cleaning and cooking again (I was eating junk food for months). I'm also trying to read again and improve my skills to survive in this world. I admit that I'm not trying to change now, but it's just because I've tried so many times and it didn't work out. I think trying to change is the reason why I'm depressed. I'm wanting the things that I cannot get. I know change won't happen while I'm sitting at home wishing it to happen, and I don't expect it to happen. I actually no longer want it to happen, and I wouldn't welcome it if it happened.

I think anytime we can "do things" verses just thinking about things is a bit less depressing. Our actions affect our thoughts and vice versa but it can be hard to stop negative thoughts unless we replace them with something else. And being active makes me fall asleep faster. Negative thoughts can be harder to handle in the evening/when we have insomnia. Sounds like a baby step?

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I'm in the process of accepting my destiny to be alone all my life. Recently I've begun cleaning and cooking again (I was eating junk food for months). I'm also trying to read again and improve my skills to survive in this world. I admit that I'm not trying to change now, but it's just because I've tried so many times and it didn't work out. I think trying to change is the reason why I'm depressed. I'm wanting the things that I cannot get. I know change won't happen while I'm sitting at home wishing it to happen, and I don't expect it to happen. I actually no longer want it to happen, and I wouldn't welcome it if it happened. If I couldn't find it when I desired it, I definitely don't want it when I no longer desire it.

This is great! I've been taking a similar path - cooking by myself, reading well to find some skills. I may even start learning programming independently, we'll see what happens.
Do you use AD's?
If not, there are natural remedies for anxiety/depression which I started using.
The first one is a miracle! It's called Stabilium 200. It's a natural remedy based on some fish species in the form of semi-transparent amber-colored pills. It's a great reliever of stress!
The other one I just started - St. John's Wort, a natural AD! I just started taking it since Monday. I'll have to see how it goes with this one.

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

I'm in the process of accepting my destiny to be alone all my life. Recently I've begun cleaning and cooking again (I was eating junk food for months). I'm also trying to read again and improve my skills to survive in this world. I admit that I'm not trying to change now, but it's just because I've tried so many times and it didn't work out. I think trying to change is the reason why I'm depressed.

I think accepting it is the first step. If I was more talented in web design I would like to start a website for people who have realized being alone is best for them. At least right now, at least in this point in the world. IMHO the balance has shifted to an excessive belief in fun through friends and lovers and those of use who notice that they are severely lacking feel depressed.

I think the reality is that in years past humans had very few opportunities to be with each other. There were limited ways to converse, limited ability to meet up with others due to distance... and so society was always... more is better. Also people had much better manners -- bred into them since birth.

But now people are everyplace with HORRIBLE manners and selfish horrible ways and for the most part, they are horrific. Bust mostly we still have this idea that people are the answer.

Accept that you don't need people (and you don't) in such every 10 minutes ways... and that life can be fun and interesting on your own. Explore all those things that interested you... but are alone... get a pet.. learn to stay indoors more...

Since deciding this I have
- spent more time on my finances.. using the time i used to spend with other people improving my finances... taking up an offer at a bank to open an account.
- working on my home. Decorating or painting. The job well done is gratifying.
- playing with my cat...
- exploring cooking.

Dive into yourself and stop using that energy on others.