[DechanDawa]

I am not on any psych meds. My health care provider does not believe in prescribing benzodiazipines.

The plan is for me to continue to do CBT on my own with weekly check ins by a counselor.

It's not enough.

I have told this counselor as much for several weeks.

The plan is that I look for another job and move forward.

Okay.

But seriously the anxiety is making me sick. I used one of my "copings" mechanisms and got up and took a hot bath. It is 4 a.m. I have not really slept at all tonight. I am almost tempted to stay up but being tired makes my stress worse.

It's been over a year I have been complaining about anxiety but my health care providers only say take benadryl at night for sleep.

Recently anxiety is causing me to be nauseous and dizzy. I have not had panic attacks but the other day I absent-mindedly ran a red light right at the entrance to a busy highway.

Today I was again at that intersection. I realize the cars on the highway are going 65 miles per hour. If it had not been at an odd time I surely would have caused a major accident. I am sure it was the anxiety causing me to be absend-minded.

[Skeezyks]

[DechanDawa]

My health care provider offered buspirone this week. Does anyone have experience with this? Side effects? I don't do well on medications. Side effects...

At this point am not taking anything but since buspirone was offered would like to know more about it.

[DechanDawa]

Why am I so anxious? Is this something left over from early life history? I don't do psychotherapy so have no idea.

When I was a kid my mother was physically very sick. She was always in and out of the hospital. I still have cards she sent me from the hospital when I was 6 years old. Later on when I was a bit older she would be in bed in the morning and I had to make my own lunch and my sibling's lunch and get myself ready for school. It wasn't mental illness. My mother had real physical illnesses. When not sick she was a very vibrant personality. She died when I was in my 20's.

I really wonder if this is where my excess anxiety began. I can remember as a child sitting alone in cavernous waiting areas of strange large urban hospitals. At that time children were not allowed to visit their parents in hospital. What were hospitals thinking??? My father would leave me all by myself in these waiting areas. I would sit there really scared of all the hospital sights, sounds and smells around me.

Maybe to make up for lost time when she was not ill my mother was the best mom ever. She was funny, fun-loving, outgoing, and always laughing. She would buy me lovely gifts and pamper me with beautiful clothes. She would take me with her on what she would call "day adventures" into the city or out in the country. When I was a young adult we were still taking adventures...weekends by the ocean or in cute little bed-and-breakfast inns in the mountains.

The last years of her life were very hard on me. My father pulled me out of a college I loved to come home and help take care of my mother. I ended up working full-time and going to college at night to finish up my degree. I drank a lot and chain-smoked and was a workaholic besides taking care of my mom. I still had a social life, boyfriend etc. -- and I considered my life "normal" -- but looking back it was anything but normal. I wasn't consciously depressed then. Maybe all the drinking was to handle my anxiety. I was an exercise addict and became so thin people thought I was anorexic. I was constantly in motion.

Now it is just me and my anxiety. No drinking, no medications, no cigarettes. Certainly not anorexia haha as I love food. Not in motion. Stagnant. The heaping anxiety is still around. One would think by now I would have gotten used to it.

(((Dechan)))

I am no expert but your mother's serious illness must have had an effect on you, the fact you can remember sitting waiting shows the impression it must have made on you. You were attached to your mother, she was your security.

You can now see the strategies you used to help manage anxiety were not always helpful long term. I don't see you as stagnant but having learned from your past and knowing not to repeat those harmful strategies.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

(((Dechan)))

I am no expert but your mother's serious illness must have had an effect on you, the fact you can remember sitting waiting shows the impression it must have made on you. You were attached to your mother, she was your security.

You can now see the strategies you used to help manage anxiety were not always helpful long term. I don't see you as stagnant but having learned from your past and knowing not to repeat those harmful strategies.

Thank you, prefab. Even though my doctor offered medication for anxiety I don't think I want to take it preferring holistic things such as herbs and exercise.

I don't think much about my past. I figure you can't change it so why think about it.

I remember one hospital I waited in. I was in a place on the ground floor with big windows. There was a ballet store across the street. I remember looking in the store windows at all the dance costumes to make me forget I was scared. I loved ballet and took ballet lessons even though I was a clumsy little girl.

The odd part about all those bad ways of coping is that they seemed to really not have a negative effect. I worked hard, played hard and accomplished stuff like finishing my degree while working full-time. My mother completed an advanced degree in sociology (she already had a nursing degree) one month before she died...so I guess she was a good role model.

You sound like a chip off the block with your mother - in that way she is always with you. I'm glad you had that time together.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

You sound like a chip off the block with your mother - in that way she is always with you. I'm glad you had that time together.

Thank you. She is kind of a "legend" in my family. I see my cousins on Facebook still post pictures of her and talk about her. She was kind of bigger than life. But you know, dying young kind of helps to make a person a legend. The tragic heroine and all that. I don't think my mother saw herself as a heroine at all. She thought it sucked that she had a terminal illness and I wholly agreed with her.

My family would laugh at the idea I am a chip off the block. I am definitely the family scapegoat. Even my mother kind of saw me as a troublemaker. On her deathbed she only had two pieces of advice for me...quit smoking cigarettes...and drink more water.

This was way before people carried water bottles. She was definitely ahead of her time.

Well thank heaven you've lived long enough to escape the 'legend' status (I know what you mean, h's friend died at 27 and there is always that legend thing).

Don't let them make you the scapegoat - that is not fair on you. Smile and feel sorry for their ignorance and live your life best way you can.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Well thank heaven you've lived long enough to escape the 'legend' status (I know what you mean, h's friend died at 27 and there is always that legend thing).

Don't let them make you the scapegoat - that is not fair on you. Smile and feel sorry for their ignorance and live your life best way you can.

You can't really prevent a family from having a scapegoat, especially such a large and dysfunctional family such as my family of origin. I don't see them as ignorant...well, maybe a little. But really I don't want any enemies in the family.

The scapegoat role gets carried into life and I want to figure out how to avoid that. Like in my last job. I was too vocal and it was stupid of me to point out what was unfair...when everyone could see plain as day things like messing around with people's work schedules was really unfair. But that is the kind of thing a scapegoat person does. They like to tell everyone else the truth about a situation. From now on I keep my head down...

[Open Eyes]

Now it is just me and my anxiety. No drinking, no medications, no cigarettes. Certainly not anorexia haha as I love food. Not in motion. Stagnant. The heaping anxiety is still around. One would think by now I would have gotten used to it.

Getting used to "it" is a fallacy when it comes to the experiences you have described in your history. When you were a child no one actually sat down with you to comfort you and tell you how to handle the challenges you went through. A lot of the things you did in excess were an effort to help you "cope" without what you had needed and quite frankly deserved to have. Anxiety stems from being left alone with our feelings and not having a presence there to help us with these feelings and fears.

Your mother sounds like a nice person and she did make an effort to engage you in experiencing some positive things, she did love you. The problem is that when she was not able to be "there" with you, you were left to worry and struggle emotionally alone when someone should have been "there" for you to help you.

I am so sorry that happened to you and sadly one of the things my daughter shared with me is that when I was very sick and had some major health issues (I almost died), no one was "there" for her and she felt very scared and alone. That upset me terribly because that is something I would NEVER want her to experience and I even feel angry about how when I was incapacitated it resulted in her not having someone there for her.

I am VERY sorry you needed and felt so alone and how that went unnoticed. Unfortunately, that does happen way too much and can contribute to some life long challenges that affect way too many people. This is the reason for what you noticed happen when your mother was sick and the friends she had dwindled. This is reflecting the "lack" in people more than her deserving to have them around her in a way that could be helpful to her. Your mother sounds like the kind of individual that was a positive beacon that others were drawn to. However, often what is absent is how these others need "guidance" which is why they flock to begin with, yet fail in a way you experienced and still experience.

What you have described of your siblings is also a reflection of what they did not get either and the ways they tried to fill that need themselves. The brother who responds negatively towards you is reflecting how inadequate "he" really is and even to the point where he can be mean. This is reflecting his great discomfort in this area, and has no bearing on your deserving. Interesting that one of your other brothers got involved with psychology, again that was an effort on his part to find a way to fill "his" void. That being said, that still doesn't mean he can adequately give you what you need, but he may be more approachable then your other brother that clearly lacks except in an area where he may draw in others in a grandiose way.

In order to understand narcissism and how different individuals set on the spectrum it is important to investigate the "lacks" behind how these individuals set on that spectrum. It is important to understand that often behind a facade of what seems like "strength" there often can be a deep degree of "shame" and anxiety. Often it is males that develop narcissistic behaviors and a lot of that is due to how they have long been expected to hide their emotions and "man up". Often when it comes to males, they tend to "challenge" others and the reason they do that is because that is how they were taught and often they do that to make up for what they did not get early on when they had "normal" emotional challenges.

Anxiety results from an unmet need and being lost when in need and it typically originates from unresolved unmet emotional needs. This is something that has been given a whole area of study called CEN, which means childhood emotional neglect and the effects that has on different people. It may benefit you to look that up and read about what has been learned in this area because it can help you look at the lacks in others and yourself differently then you do now.

Anxiety and depression can lead to one turning their anger inward when that is the last thing that person deserves.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Getting used to "it" is a fallacy when it comes to the experiences you have described in your history. When you were a child no one actually sat down with you to comfort you and tell you how to handle the challenges you went through. A lot of the things you did in excess were an effort to help you "cope" without what you had needed and quite frankly deserved to have. Anxiety stems from being left alone with our feelings and not having a presence there to help us with these feelings and fears.

Your mother sounds like a nice person and she did make an effort to engage you in experiencing some positive things. The problem is that when she was not able to be "there" with you, you were left to worry and struggle emotionally alone when someone should have been "there" for you to help you.

I am so sorry that happened to you and sadly one of the things my daughter shared with me is that when I was very sick and had some major issues, no one was "there" for her and she felt very scared and alone. That upset me terribly because that is something I would NEVER want her to experience and I even feel angry about how when I was incapacitated it resulted in her not having someone there for her.

I am VERY sorry you needed and felt so alone and how that went unnoticed. Unfortunately, that does happen way too much and can contribute to some life long challenges that affect way too many people. This is the reason for what you noticed happen when your mother was sick and the friends she had dwindled. This is reflecting the "lack" in people more than her deserving to have them around her in a way that could be helpful to her. Your mother sounds like the kind of individual that was a positive beacon that others were drawn to. However, often what is absent is how these others need "guidance" which is why they flock to begin with, yet fail in a way you experienced.

What you have described of your siblings is also a reflection of what they did not get either and the ways they tried to fill that need themselves. The brother who responds negatively towards you is reflecting how inadequate "he" really is and even to the point where he can be mean. This is reflecting his great discomfort in this area, and has no bearing on your deserving. Interesting that one of your other brothers got involved with psychology, again that was an effort on his part to find a way to fill "his" void. That being said, that still doesn't mean he can adequately give you what you need.

Anxiety results from an unmet need and being lost when in need and it typically originates from unresolved unmet emotional needs. This is something that has been given a whole area of study called CEN, which means childhood emotional neglect and the effects that has on different people. It may benefit you to look that up and read about what has been learned in this area.

I never heard of CEN. And as well, no one has ever talked to me about my childhood as you have done. Because I was part of a large family I never thought of myself as neglected. However, I did always wonder, "What happened to me? Why am I as I am?" That is, often a loner.

From what you say it seems obvious that as an adult when I am stressed the first thing I do is isolate. This must mirror what happened to me as a child. But in childhood it was forced on me. Now as an adult nobody is forcing me but I resort back to the same kind of isolation I had as a child.

You paint a picture of me alone as a child. I never saw myself this way...but now...yes, I can see a little girl who was left alone a lot. Playing outside in the leaves. Or with her dollies up in her bedroom. Later making her own school lunches. I also learned at an early age how to do my own laundry and iron my school uniform.

When my mother was ill or hospitalized I really have no idea who took care of me. When I was quite young my older sister must have helped get me off to school. There were people around but not people to hug me or anything like that. I never recall my parents hugging me. I would say my mother and father were not huggers.

Being left alone as a child must have caused me a lot of anxiety. I had mostly brothers and they did not bother with me except to bully me. I do overeat now when stressed and I was chubby as a very small child so maybe I overate then, too, from anxiety.

I guess by my teenage years I started to take things more in my own hands with drinking and partying and in general being trouble. I had a rather rowdy boyfriend and I was definitely a rule breaker.

During adulthood I have had periods of acting out as well. Or...I isolate.

It is all maladaptive behavior.

Thank you for your in-depth response. It has surprised me quite a bit. You took all my posts from other threads and put things together.

It is only recently that I have discovered I have been anxious almost my entire life.

Maybe now I can unlock this mystery.

[Fuzzybear]