[TishaBuv]

Now I've learned in DBT to just feel it without judgment and don't SH.

I tried to make sense of the abuse, I tried to pin my mother down as to her logic , but she said she will not discuss it, and if I can't get over it, to not call anymore.

So I deleted all their numbers from my phone. I'll delete all their emails, when I can figure out how.

I wish I could wipe her phone number from my memory, so I can't ever dial it again.

I am furious with her and the rest of them. I have every right to be.

I really hate her. She's just an abusive POS.

I'm not doing any things that BPD does, and I won't anymore.

Just seeing it for what it is.

[TishaBuv]

I don't have black and white feelings, either.

I am hateful of this nasty, narcissistic, abusive witch. But I can recall all the nice things she ever said to me and did for me. I can recall all the good times and the genuine love i have felt for my mother.

Do I have BPD, if I am not saying she is all bad or all good?

It's that the bad has far outweighed the good. What she did to me was unacceptable. I am not going to accept it and move on.

Therefore, we are finished. I certainly tried to open up dialogue with her. I would have apologized if I were wrong and had intentionally done something to hurt her. But I didn't do anything to her except insist she respect me.

She's such a lying, manipulative POS!!!

It hurts so much to hate my own mother. It's like hating myself. Will I turn into her? I'm terrified of that.

So, I am taking deep breaths, taking care of my life and my family, and just backing away. No more fighting. If any of her flying monkeys call me to do something for her I'll simply say 'no'.

I don't care that they think lowly of me over this. Surely, they don't understand my POV. Who knows what lies she tells them about me.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I don't have black and white feelings, either.

I am hateful of this nasty, narcissistic, abusive witch. But I can recall all the nice things she ever said to me and did for me. I can recall all the good times and the genuine love i have felt for my mother.

Do I have BPD, if I am not saying she is all bad or all good?

It's that the bad has far outweighed the good. What she did to me was unacceptable. I am not going to accept it and move on.

Therefore, we are finished. I certainly tried to open up dialogue with her. I would have apologized if I were wrong and had intentionally done something to hurt her. But I didn't do anything to her except insist she respect me.

She's such a lying, manipulative POS!!!

It hurts so much to hate my own mother. It's like hating myself. Will I turn into her? I'm terrified of that.

So, I am taking deep breaths, taking care of my life and my family, and just backing away. No more fighting. If any of her flying monkeys call me to do something for her I'll simply say 'no'.

I don't care that they think lowly of me over this. Surely, they don't understand my POV. Who knows what lies she tells them about me.

We will always be bonded to our mothers in some way and you and your mother have been through a lot. Perhaps hating her is a necessary stage for you to go through in order to make a break from the power she has over you. It is not like you are hating her without reason. Go easy on yourself but eventually you are going to need to feel a bit less hate for your sake. Maybe you just need time to get there? Unless she is truly on her death bed, stay away from her as long as she is upsetting to you. You need to put yourself first. I DO NOT think badly of you, rather, I know how much you have done for her, how much you really love her, etc. Your H now understands how abusive she can be. SHE (only in part but she did cause a lot of stress for your H and you) might even be the reason your marriage is on shaky grounds. It is sad that at the end of her life she is not an uplifting influence for you. I feel so badly for you. I do not think you will end up like her--you have the choice to take another road. You are so sweet and loving but mostly, you are really smart in many ways and can use that intelligence to navigate the rest of your life better than she did. Of course, for her sake and her daughter's sake's I wish she would have an attitude change but I wouldn't count on it. I am sorry that this is so painful. Please don't blame yourself anymore.

PS PLEASE don't let a BPD label make you think you are unlovable because you are. You are anxious about a label that is a total approximation/ that can't be confirmed by genetic testing, brain scans, etc. We get hung up on things. We have on and off anxiety about stuff. I have trouble feeling sane because I attempted. However, both of us are mostly sane and functional most of the time. It is hard to get our crisises behind us but I sure hope that someday we will mostly be carefree again......

[Open Eyes]

I am hateful of this nasty, narcissistic, abusive witch. But I can recall all the nice things she ever said to me and did for me. I can recall all the good times and the genuine love i have felt for my mother.

Do I have BPD, if I am not saying she is all bad or all good?

What you are struggling with is something a lot of individuals struggle with because of how a parent can do positive things and yet be dysfunctional. Your mother is the type of individual who doesn't admit "fault". Instead, it sounds like what your mother does is she goes on the defensive and in so doing invalidates your feelings.

You keep calling her and engaging her to get validated, and every time you do that she goes into the defensive mode. You have been stuck in confusion because she has done positive things with you in your past, yet, she refuses to validate the things she has done that hurt you in some way. It's very hard to understand how someone can love you, yet also deny you too. When this takes place it just tends to get more and more dysfunctional. This is what is happening with you and why you are stuck between shutting your mother off, yet, you don't want to disconnect entirely because she did provide "some" positives in your life.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

PS PLEASE don't let a BPD label make you think you are unlovable because you are. You are anxious about a label that is a total approximation/ that can't be confirmed by genetic testing, brain scans, etc. We get hung up on things. We have on and off anxiety about stuff. I have trouble feeling sane because I attempted. However, both of us are mostly sane and functional most of the time. It is hard to get our crisises behind us but I sure hope that someday we will mostly be carefree again......

Mostly sane, lol. I like that.