[ashamed]

Hello everybody,

I want solutions from men or women who past through the same hardship.
I need your help please.
How to recover from falling hard in self esteem and gain respect for myself and from others ?

I am 26 years old girl and I had a perfect reputation (i wasn’t aware of that before it was gone) : never had boyfriends, never dated never went to a party, never did anything bad actually not even smoking or even saying curse words. I work with disabled children and i am shy.

I felt extremely lonely and sad to not have anybody with me while all the girls around already had babies etc… I thought it was because i wasn’t attractive (which is not the case but i didn't realize it), people thought i was strange because i was never with a boyfriend so i started to become self concious about that, they treated me like a freak.

So i made the biggest mistake of my life : my sister forced me to date one of her friend who just broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years which was not very nice from her 😦 she lied to me telling me he loved me etc… and me out of desperation i believed her. i never went to a date and was lost.

And i basically sold myself to him before even he showed a sign of wanting to be with me i was so desperate i tried all the bad ways to impress HIM (i feel so bad) i didn’t know how to be with him as i didn't have any experience with men and it never happened to me. I tried to read on internet what to do and that was a BIG mistake !! i dressed slutty, i even sent nudes pics i talked about sex i even invented past relationships i never had because i was afraid he will mock my inexperience. And believe me or not i even forced him to take my virginity in his car (i want to kill myself) because i thought he will see i am a good girl since he then knew i was virgin(!) but interested in sex so promising him a good time if he marries me (i’m crying while writing), i was afraid he would think i am frigid. He took it and dumped me the next day.

I feel so bad i didn't want him to think i was inexperience i was afraid he would laugh at me, so i wanted to act as if i was experimented to not feel ashamed of my virginity.

Now he said about it to everybody in the city even my family, everybody laugh at me i walk with shame and want to kill myself everyday 😦

I wasn’t aware of my very good reputation before i thought everybody mocked my inexperience, but then they said why did you do that ? you could have married anybody ! now they just think i am a ***** it makes me suicidal.
I even quit my job because of shame.

How to recover from that and make them see that i am not like that and will i find a husband even if he knows that ? NOBODY respect me even my own family and talk very bad in a harsh tone to me.
I am bullied badly I don't know how to face my bullies and how to face him.

I don't understand why a lot of girls did far worse with far more people but people think it's worse for me than for them

i can't forgive myself and cry everyday.

i deeply regret and feel i don't deserve to have any man in the future, i feel worthless. I am scared if i find a husband he will think i am trash and not marry me.

Help me please.

[miss_rainy]

Can you get away for a while, like moving to another city? I think you would have to wait it out because after a while it will die down. Unfortunately, some things go with time. Do you have any coping skills to help you?

You didn't do anything wrong. I'm so sorry the people in your life are making you feel so badly about it though! It is none of their business. It really isn't. They should be supporting you through this painful time, so shame on them.

Again, I will say, you are fine, you didn't do anything wrong. I know you are beating yourself up, and feel awful for what that guy did to you. But it isn't your fault. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are young. People make mistakes. We all do. If you learned something from it, you are the better for it.

I see that this is your first post, so welcome to Psych Central. I hope you keep posting, Ashamed.

[BandGeek2017]

This is my first time posting to this site. I am so glad I found your thread and read your story. I'd like to say I applaud you for writing this down. I know that I have a lot of difficulty writing down what is going on in my life. Please stay strong and I truly hope time will wear away your pain.
The Best Is Yet To Come
BandGeek2017

Originally Posted by ashamed

Hello everybody,

I want solutions from men or women who past through the same hardship.
I need your help please.
How to recover from falling hard in self esteem and gain respect for myself and from others ?

I am 26 years old girl and I had a perfect reputation (i wasn’t aware of that before it was gone) : never had boyfriends, never dated never went to a party, never did anything bad actually not even smoking or even saying curse words. I work with disabled children and i am shy.

I felt extremely lonely and sad to not have anybody with me while all the girls around already had babies etc… I thought it was because i wasn’t attractive (which is not the case but i didn't realize it), people thought i was strange because i was never with a boyfriend so i started to become self concious about that, they treated me like a freak.

So i made the biggest mistake of my life : my sister forced me to date one of her friend who just broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years which was not very nice from her 😦 she lied to me telling me he loved me etc… and me out of desperation i believed her. i never went to a date and was lost.

And i basically sold myself to him before even he showed a sign of wanting to be with me i was so desperate i tried all the bad ways to impress HIM (i feel so bad) i didn’t know how to be with him as i didn't have any experience with men and it never happened to me. I tried to read on internet what to do and that was a BIG mistake !! i dressed slutty, i even sent nudes pics i talked about sex i even invented past relationships i never had because i was afraid he will mock my inexperience. And believe me or not i even forced him to take my virginity in his car (i want to kill myself) because i thought he will see i am a good girl since he then knew i was virgin(!) but interested in sex so promising him a good time if he marries me (i’m crying while writing), i was afraid he would think i am frigid. He took it and dumped me the next day.

I feel so bad i didn't want him to think i was inexperience i was afraid he would laugh at me, so i wanted to act as if i was experimented to not feel ashamed of my virginity.

Now he said about it to everybody in the city even my family, everybody laugh at me i walk with shame and want to kill myself everyday 😦

I wasn’t aware of my very good reputation before i thought everybody mocked my inexperience, but then they said why did you do that ? you could have married anybody ! now they just think i am a ***** it makes me suicidal.
I even quit my job because of shame.

How to recover from that and make them see that i am not like that and will i find a husband even if he knows that ? NOBODY respect me even my own family and talk very bad in a harsh tone to me.
I am bullied badly I don't know how to face my bullies and how to face him.

I don't understand why a lot of girls did far worse with far more people but people think it's worse for me than for them

i can't forgive myself and cry everyday.

i deeply regret and feel i don't deserve to have any man in the future, i feel worthless. I am scared if i find a husband he will think i am trash and not marry me.

Help me please.

[Thunder Bow]

Bullies are all about Control, and their accusations are shallow. You were bullied and used. Time to move away from that situation with family.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by ashamed

Help me please.

Greetings, friend... I want you to know that after reading about your experiences, I do not feel any judgement of you at all. It's important to remind yourself that you were not operating with any ill intentions towards anyone else - you were simply trying to handle and respond to the novel circumstances you were experiencing as best you could given your state of being at that time. You also have to understand that the aspect of your psyche that is continually beating yourself up and reinforcing these self-defeating and disempowering thoughts - that's coming from the physical mind (tied to the physical body) and it's not a reflection of your higher nature. You exist above & beyond these challenging emotions and the critical thoughts & judgements running through your (physical) mind. The more you can reinforce this awareness and discover this truth for yourself - the more you will free/liberate yourself from your former hurting & affliction... You will eventually be able to make peace with these life experiences you've had. Why do these types of challenging life experiences unfold? To help teach you something about yourself through influencing you to conduct deeper introspection and self-exploration. As a result of what you've been through, you are going to be pushed/steered in a new direction and into new territory as it relates to your state of consciousness/awareness. Eventually you will make peace with your past because you will then understand the role that it played in guiding you down a path that led to extremely important personal growth (consciousness evolution). There is a much bigger plan/picture at work here and I know it's hard to realize that when you are going through internal turmoil and just want to experience relief. Hang in there and push your way through this - as the day is going to come when you will be grateful that you did, and you will be perceiving all of this in an entirely new light that you never would have previously imagined was achievable..

I agree that you didn't do anything wrong. The people who are laughing at you are the ones who should be ashamed--you were just trying to experience life. I think you were brave and may have learned something. It feels intense because it is your first time and with time, hopefully you can chalk the whole thing up to youth and inexperience--you have to start somewhere and it's not always graceful. You are not alone, my first experience did not go well either!

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. please hold your head high and be kind and compassionate with yourself. You did nothing wrong. If in hindsight you would have done something differently, then you've learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes we have to experience life through trial and error. Everyone has things they wish they'd done differently. Again, you did nothing wrong. I'm so sorry you are being shamed and bullied. Those people should be ashamed, not you. I agree with the poster who asked if you could get away for a time from your town. This experience can make you better or bitter. Choose better. I wish you peace and healing.

[ashamed]

thank you for your answers, my father said he will try to move in another city if it can make me feel better, he's my best friend too so i have at least someone to support me.

it happened when i was 18 but i still can't forgive me even after 8 years ! so i don't know if the pain will go one day.

i saw the guy i did that with a week ago and he laughed at me with his friends so i went home and i cried so much, i was so tired after crying i was about to faint.

Do you know how to handle being face to face with your bullies ? it's like my world fall apart when i see him.

What really scares me is if i find a husband after that, he will learn about that from friends and family and think bad of me, he will think i am used and dirty and dump me. that scares me so much he won't respect me because of that or worse if i'm with my future children and husband and we see him and he mocks me and my family !

i hate the feeling that when people look at me they see me with a dirty taint around me.

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you will get professional help. You did nothing wrong. Your feelings of inadequacy allowed you to do something to disrespect yourself. A counselor can help you understand why you did what you did and begin to work on respecting and honoring who you are.

[Thunder Bow]

Bullies are all about Control. You can deal with this by taking Control of the situation yourself.