[sinking]

I seem to envy everyone. who has it better and who has it worse too. everyone seems to have what i have not. maybe a life. and i envy them. it makes me so angry. it feels so unfair. i do my best to ignore these feelings but i cant not think them.

right now, i have some family friends in my mind. but theres my brother, my ex, my parents, my friends.... practically anyone i get to know even just a little bit. or not. i happen to envy even people i see in the streets.

as for these friends, i dont get why they have everything and my family (esp. my parents) have nothing compared to them and i wonder how my parents can not compare themselves to them and not envy them? i really wonder how. how can they still be friends? i see how my parents struggle to have what these friends have... how they try to imitate them. they're just not as lucky. my brother and i are not as their perfect son and daughter, our house is not as beautiful as theirs, yet my parents try and try to have and get the same things but they never will. how is it possible that im the only one seeing this? is everything just in my mind?

i just hate being so... not a person.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry you're feeling so down. When you feel that way, it's normal to see at others and say that they are doing much better compared to us. Just know that you can't know for sure: some of them may struggle a great deal, and just not show it..

[treevoice]

Sounds to me like you are comparing everyone to yourself because you aren't happy with what you have. I'm sure logically you understand that everyone has their own struggles, but it isn't always enough to make the envy stop. The only cure I know is to learn acceptance and gratitude for your own life and situation. Once you can learn to appreciate what you have and your own uniqueness, you won't need to be looking over everyone else's fence. Wishing you healing and peace. <3

[sinking]

Thanks MickeyCheeky,

I dont doubt other people might struggle a lot and not show, but i envy that too. as i said, for better or for worse. as if they had the right to FEEL (good and bad) and i didnt.

and also, there are some things other people objectively HAVE and i dont. no matter how much it cost them, if they were just lucky or how they feel about it. as a matter of fact, they have it and i dont....

[sinking]

Thanks Treevoice,

yes, im not happy with what i have and i dont feel grateful at all. maybe, if only one thing was going well, i could feel lucky that at least i had that one thing, but it seems all my efforts are useless and its painful.

on one hand i tell myself i have what i want cause we build our reality, on the other hand i feel so unlucky, having to live with what i was given (stupid mind and stupid feelings). i dont blame anyone or anything, just myself...

and... do i really not deserve anything good?
why nothing good happens to me? ever?

i do have good people around myself, and im thankful for that, but about me, my life... in terms of what i have done, of what i have, of what i may have... its a total failure, a disaster. i dont see why im still fighting. why?

[NeedHaldol]

There will always be someone better than you and there will always be worse than you.

Having that knowledge will allow you to stop caring what other people have.

I am not for everyone, but neither are you.

[treevoice]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thanks Treevoice,

yes, im not happy with what i have and i dont feel grateful at all. maybe, if only one thing was going well, i could feel lucky that at least i had that one thing, but it seems all my efforts are useless and its painful.

on one hand i tell myself i have what i want cause we build our reality, on the other hand i feel so unlucky, having to live with what i was given (stupid mind and stupid feelings). i dont blame anyone or anything, just myself...

and... do i really not deserve anything good?
why nothing good happens to me? ever?

i do have good people around myself, and im thankful for that, but about me, my life... in terms of what i have done, of what i have, of what i may have... its a total failure, a disaster. i dont see why im still fighting. why?

Well I can't answer that for you, but I implore you to see things in a different light. What would be the point of living if we were all born with the perfect life? The journey of figuring who we are and what we want is a messy one. We all make mistakes, some of us bad ones. But I don't even like to think of "deserving" as part of the equation. I think we often do more harm thinking about "deserving" - what makes a person deserving of good things? If we start keeping score, no one will deserve anything good. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind", etc. I know it's not easy to find gratitude with what you have when you are struggling. But at the end of the day, we're all humans suffering through whatever hand we've been dealt. Each day is a new day to fail in a new and better way, and that process is how we grow. Sometimes just the act of paying closer attention to the little things we have to be grateful for can make all the difference.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having those thoughts. Like a previous poster mentioned, you don't know what kind of struggles anyone is going through. Could you make a list of what you are envying about other people and find some way to make progress towards those things yourself starting with the easiest first? Best wishes.

[sinking]

Thank you again for answering.

but here i dont think i can talk about what "better" or "worse" is, because i feel i envy BOTH. just for having a life, feelings, rights to be who they are.

Jennifer, i like your idea of making a list, i love lists, but this is so complicated.

since i dont really know if i want to feel "better" or "worse", i dont know what i envy in others. i mean, i know what i envy but im not sure id want those things for myself.

for example: two girls i know are pregnant. i THINK i envy them, for having first a bf, then a husband, then a home, a family and finally a kid.

BUT, if i had the possibility to have a bf, get married and become pregnant, say tomorrow or next month... i dont think i'd like that. i like the idea but the fact itself is scary for me. i feel kids are a chain to life and im not sure i want one. this is about having a baby, but this goes for anything i envy others for.

i guess i envy their... life? their feelings? what they do? because others seem so normal, so in right of their feelings... mine dont make sense. my thoughts and feelings are contrasting. and i dont feel like i have a life or like im living. just barely existing. so meaningless, so empty, so nothing. i dont know what i have done, what im doing, what i want... others make so much sense, i dont...

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I feel the same way much of the time.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by sinking

I seem to envy everyone.

I'm willing to bet that what's transpiring is that your (physical) mind is habitually generating distored and inaccurate perceptions of what these individual's internal lives are really like (for them). Do you truly know what it's like to actually be living through all of their life circumstances and experiencing the emotions, habitual thought-forms, insecurities, and fears that these individuals actually experience? Generally speaking, It's very easy & common for individuals to make an effort to uphold a certain public image & persona because individuals naturally want to avoid acting and expressing themselves in ways which reveal their sensitivities, vulnerabilities, and insecurities while they are in the presence of others. Someone you are perceiving as having it 'better than you' may very well be struggling and suffering inside - just as much if not more than you. But you're not going to know about this unless they choose to reveal this to you. This is why external appearances can be so shallow at times and will not reveal the true depth & complexity of one's life experience & state of being.

What may actually be going on here is that your current state of being (marked by a lack of self-acceptance) is influencing your (physical) mind to engage in this habitual activity of comparing your 'life' to those of others and simply reinforcing the distorted perception that others must be experiencing something 'better' than what you are. From this understanding - the your (physical) mind activity and the reoccuring feelings of 'envy' should be viewed as simply a symptom of an underlying cause. The key is to uncover & increasingly shift your awareness to that underlying cause - which will be the heart of the matter. Eventually once you sufficiently conduct the necessary inner-work - the 'symptom' (the reoccuring feelings of envy and self-judgement) will cease to exist.... You can help yourself now by setting the intention and putting forth the effort to be increasingly 'mindful' (aware) of what is actually transpiring within you when these feelings of envy surface each time. Don't allow yourself to continually get lost the emotions and in the external circumstances you are reacting to... You have to remember to pause, catch yourself in the act - and then really try to make yourself aware of what is happening inside of you and why! The more you are able to actually watch & observe what your physical mind is doing when it's misbehaving and acting up - the more you will free yourself from its former debilitating influence on your state of being. It takes time, patience, and hard work - but there absolutely is a way out of this challenging (and temporary) condition you've been experiencing. You have to decide once you've had enough of feeling this way and that you are finally ready to explore a new direction and venture into previously uncharted territory...

Respectfully,
~WOLF

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by sinking

since i dont really know if i want to feel "better" or "worse", i dont know what i envy in others. i mean, i know what i envy but im not sure id want those things for myself.

for example: two girls i know are pregnant. i THINK i envy them, for having first a bf, then a husband, then a home, a family and finally a kid.

BUT, if i had the possibility to have a bf, get married and become pregnant, say tomorrow or next month... i dont think i'd like that. i like the idea but the fact itself is scary for me. i feel kids are a chain to life and im not sure i want one. this is about having a baby, but this goes for anything i envy others for.

i guess i envy their... life? their feelings? what they do? because others seem so normal, so in right of their feelings... mine dont make sense. my thoughts and feelings are contrasting. and i dont feel like i have a life or like im living. just barely existing. so meaningless, so empty, so nothing. i dont know what i have done, what im doing, what i want... others make so much sense, i dont...

Just read this post now... I wonder if there is a deep-seeded dissatisfaction with your life experience and a lack of self-acceptance which are present and thereby influencing you to fixate on the habitual thought of being someone else and having their life experience instead? Not necessarily because you perceive it to be 'better' or 'worse' - but simply because the very thought of being in someone else's shoes signifies a 'release' from your current condition (state of being) - which you are not at peace with. It would represent change (which may be deeply longed for). Could this be what's transpiring?

[sinking]

Thank you Wolfgaze,
the first message was interesting, but the second definitely hit the nail on the head.
yes, im deeply dissatisfied with me and my life, surely not at peace with myself and i also lack of self acceptance.

if i only had one thing going well, i think i could overlook the rest and feel "lucky" at least in that area. i think that would keep me from comparing myself to others constantly and envy them for anything. i could feel some peace.

truth is i feel very unlucky and i dont have anybody else to blame but me.
so one part of me feels i dont deserve anything good and the other part wonders if i really dont deserve a little bit of luck in my life - just luck, not that i deserve good things...