Oversensitive

I think part of my issue in the social life is that I am very sensitive. I am aware of that, but my emotional reactions to situations are stronger than my ability to control them.

For example, in the last couple of days, I tried to connect with someone whom I thought of him as a friend. However, although he was active on Facebook and messenger several times since I sent him the message, he hadn't replied me. I was very frustrated and angry because he ignored me, although I sent him a very personal issue, and asked him his opinion. I ended up deleting him from my friend list, and in my way I deleted tens of "friends" whom I don't know very well, and don't interact with my posts, and have nothing to say in their own.

I thought to send him a message telling him my feeling, but I figured he wouldn't appreciate my honesty, and would instead ignore me again, and possibly laugh at me.

I have been "deleting" people from my life just like that. I get frustrated when being ignored, especially if I make the initiative to connect, but in exchange I find coldness.

I am focusing too much on what people do with me, although I know I need to focus on something else, like a personal activity. But I cannot. I read a novel these days, but I cannot open it after what happened with that person. I am in a very bad mood.

How can one not be oversensitive like that? Most people I guess would say that is silly, but for me it is not.

[QUOTE=Mr. Stranger;5761671]I think part of my issue in the social life is that I am very sensitive. I am aware of that, but my emotional reactions to situations are stronger than my ability to control them.

For example, in the last couple of days, I tried to connect with someone whom I thought of him as a friend. However, although he was active on Facebook and messenger several times since I sent him the message, he hadn't replied me. I was very frustrated and angry because he ignored me, although I sent him a very personal issue, and asked him his opinion. I ended up deleting him from my friend list, and in my way I deleted tens of "friends" whom I don't know very well, and don't interact with my posts, and have nothing to say in their own.

I thought to send him a message telling him my feeling, but I figured he wouldn't appreciate my honesty, and would instead ignore me again, and possibly laugh at me.

I have been "deleting" people from my life just like that. I get frustrated when being ignored, especially if I make the initiative to connect, but in exchange I find coldness.

I am focusing too much on what people do with me, although I know I need to focus on something else, like a personal activity. But I cannot. I read a novel these days, but I cannot open it after what happened with that person. I am in a very bad mood.

How can one not be oversensitive like that? Most people I guess would say that is silly, but for me it

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this. I too have gone through emotionally-driven "friend" purges, and I always find myself regretting it after the fact, but then feel too embarassed to go back and add these people again. I think it's normal to feel frustrated/hurt by being ignored that way. We are hard-wired social animals. But something in our culture has shifted; it seems like people - especially the younger generations - don't seem to have the social skills to handle each other. I once deleted a friend under similar circumstances, I had opened up and was then ignored and deleted him when I became hurt. I ran into him years later, and he told me how sad he was that I deleted him and that he just didn't know what the right thing to say would have been. My point is, you never know what they are thinking/feeling. It may just be that they don't have the emotional intelligence to respond to you. There's nothing wrong with your feelings, it makes sense to be upset by being ignored. But we're all just humans doing the best we can with what we know. Wishing you love and healing. <3

I understand all of that, but he could have just acknowledged my message. I am not expecting him to solve my problem, just to show me that he heard me. But seeing him using Facebook and online on messenger while my message is not even opened by him doesn't indicate that he has nothing to say. It means he is ignoring me, or showing me that he has something else more important to do than reading (not even responding to) my message. I don't regret my move, because this isn't how friends are supposed to treat each others. But it seems that I was wrong to consider him as a friend. Aren't my feelings and action legitimate? What concerns me is that it seems normal for people to do this, and others don't seem to be bothered by it. That is why I feel myself as oversensitive. I am not saying others are not sensitive, but my feelings are usually very strong that I take extreme reactions like deleting them altogether.

I can relate.. I am very sensitive as well, although perhaps less than you are.. but still struggle like you do. Big hugs

I am a Highly Sensitive Person and it causes me problems as well. There are a line of books out on the topic. I'm not saying this because I thought you were right or wrong but because I know how painful being so sensitive is. Good luck and best wishes.

I don't think there is such a thing as being too sensitive. We need more sensitive people in the world. There is a book on HSP's---Highly sensitive personalities....I am one, also. We are a minority, unfortunately.

Jennifer is right, there are many books on being sensitive and highly sensitive. I am also highly sensitive. There is a book I read a long time ago called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. She has written a lot of books on the topic. It was a good book, and even empowering, because of the way she talked about it.

I myself would be very hurt if someone ignored me, in Facebook messenger, or in real life. And it has happened before too in my lifetime. I don't think it is necessarily an overly sensitive issue. I have read about the psychology of humans, and we seem as a whole, like it hurts us when we are ignored and rejected. There have been experiments done on it. I'm sure it probably hurts certain people more than others, though that's nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm sorry that happened to you Mr. Stranger, and I would say, good going on your part, for unfriending him. I WAS wondering how much time you gave him to respond. But I'm assuming it was at least a day. Things do come up for people. Was he the kind of person who is kind and compassionate? Because if he was, maybe you could tell him how you felt. But that is up to you. Maybe he is just not a good friend.

You deserve to have good friends, Mr. Stranger. Everybody does.

Except there is, relative to the majority. A highly sensitive person cannot live in a mildly sensitive world without so much pain and frustration.

Yes, it was a day later that I unfriended him. What bothered me a lot is that he was pressing "like" and active on Facebook. Hadn't he appeared and been active, I wouldn't have made my move. He responded to me before and he was OK I think, but he always played with me this game, to wait before he replies, which I don't like at all. I feel he is trying to make himself feel important if he delayed his replies or something. I was OK with it when the messages were not very personal, like "Hi! how are you doing these days?". But This time I told him very personal stuff and revealed to him my weaknesses in a personal issue, yet he responded to my first message coldly, and for the second one as a reply to his reply, he ignored completely for a day, while he was active. I have to say this, that he never shared with me his personal stuff, but I naively did, several times. I think our friendship was one way, and I didn't know that before.

Thanks for the suggestion for the book. I believe I came across it before but somehow I forgot all about it. I will try to read it this time.

Thanks all for the replies.

Mr. Stranger, when you reach out to someone with personal challenges like you did with that other individual when the other person fails to respond what that is really saying most is not so much that they don't care or are rejecting "you", instead what it really means, just as you are now seeing with your parents is "I don't know how and my answer is always going to be blaming instead of being understanding and helpful".

Your parents literally "taught" you to struggle the way you are struggling. Your father did not allow you to socialize and develop social skills when you were a child, he insisted you focus on your studies instead. Your father consistently sends you messages of "you need to take care of ME", and he shows anger towards you and tbh, your father is very narcissistic. When a parent raises a child and is constantly critical of that child, unfortunately that child can develop an inner conversation where that child begins to think that he will always face some kind of rejection.

All these feelings of failures you suffer from was TAUGHT to you. Actually, these feelings of "shame" take place in a lot of different cultures. For example, Japanese warriors BELIEVED that if they failed in a fight they are shameful and they were expected to take their own life by the sword. Human history has many examples of how individuals are literally taught "shame" and unfortunately, human beings are extremely malleable where they grow to BELIEVE they are "unworthy".

The other day I watched a documentary about the Mendez brothers who ended up murdering their parents. The father and mother needed everyone to believe they had the perfect family and the father raised both these boys constantly putting them down for not achieving the way the father wanted. The father expected his sons to fit into a picture they were not capable of and the mother under the pressure for perfection ended up becoming an alcoholic. The father was very successful and they were wealthy, but that family was VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL to the point where it turned tragic.

The problem with the way your father is towards you is that he genuinely BELIEVES that he is right and has no idea HE was the one who failed. This is something that happens all the time in humanity. That is showing up in what you experienced when you reached out to that other person with a problem you are having and need help with and he did not respond. You asked him a question he doesn't have an answer for, that's typically why people don't respond or respond where they blame the person who needs help.

You have gotten very sensitive because you have experienced too many people who shame you for their own lack of knowledge where they can actually answer you and help you.

Truth is "most" people like to talk about themselves. The proof of that is evident by how popular Facebook has gotten and all the "selfies" people take. It's an idea of trying to set up a picture of self that seemingly meets up with some kind of approved ideal. That doesn't mean these individuals possess the ability to reach out to others in need of guidance where there is a depth to them where they can think outside of "themselves" and their little world they put up for others to view.

Thanks Open Eyes. Your post was very useful as usual, and I think you pinpointed the source of my sensitivity, which I think is a major cause of my dysfunctional social life. I am always afraid of rejection, and anticipate it even if it is actually there, as if I am protecting myself in advance. I agree with you about how some parents raise their children. Unfortunately, children pay the cost by suffering for years, while parents get away.

For the person I sent the message, I expected him at least to acknowledge my message. He could have said, for example, "this is a very involved issue, and I am afraid I don't have the answer for you" in a reasonable time frame. I would have understood something like this. But leaving my message not even seen, while he is surfing other posts and online on messenger wasn't something nice. I may be naive, but I am not stupid. He did this once before with me telling me that he didn't see my message, and responded days later.

I don't have a useful post. I only have an opinion.

Facebook is...not real. Those of us who are trusting think that it's all truth and honesty. But it's not. Facebook is simply an addiction to a lot of people. What they care about is how many "friends" "like" their stuff. So they make up stuff...they make up an online persona.

Those of us who are real are in the minority and I predict this minority is shrinking by the minute.

Feel free to disagree, after all it's just my opinion, but Facebook is mostly B.S.

Be who you are, but don't buy into any of it. It will not improve your quality of life any.

(huggy emoji that my laptop is incapable of but I guarantee is 100 percent sincere)

Yes, I agree, Facebook is not real. People just fake things to be liked the most. But I use it to talk to and interact with some people, and my frustration stems from their interactions with me. I feel I am over reacting, but I am still not sure.

People that don't respond and make up excuses are typically individuals who tend to dismiss things that require them to empathize and invest themselves in, often these individuals are searching for new ideas they can use to add to their own effort towards gaining attention and praise, aka likes.

Also, since you have moved back home you have been noticing more and more the way your own family can act towards you and that can actually bring about that anticipation that you felt as a child where your father actually did not allow you to play and socialize with your piers. When your father prevented you from experiencing that you did not get exposed to how children test each other and slowly develop around what they learn from each other on a social level playing around. Actually, your parents raised you to be a loner and uncomfortable when it came to socializing. It's like not allowing a child to really read very well by making that child do physical labor while other children were learning to read more and more to the point where they had a relationship with reading and learning by being exposed to different books that helped them develop knowledge. Or, like a child who never played any kind of team sports expected to just "know" what it's like to be part of a team and a team player with others.

We all learn "by doing" and experiencing gradually.

I want to add Stranger, that at least you tried, you just learned that "yes" reaching out can result in disappointment in that some individuals are just simply not the kind of people to reach out to. You are absolutely correct in that this person could have said he was sorry but that he just was at a loss of how to help you. Clearly this individual did not even know "how" to do that, it happens.

I would have been disappointed too. If a friend reached out to me I would always reply, even if just to send a 'holding' message to say I would give it some thought.

I understand why you unfriended him, you felt vulnerable when you saw him liking the usual nonsense facebook stuff and not replying to you. I agree facebook is a very limited medium and one we sensitive people need to be careful with.

I agree with OE that you should not let this stop you reaching out to others - and it was brave and positive of you to do that in the first place.