I know that during the past week or so, I have been a rather unbearable person to deal with on here. I've been argumentative, combative, and all around stubborn and rude when people have given me advice.

I'm done being like this (or at least I will make an effort not to be anymore). It accomplishes nothing at all. There is no benefit from it. Why I've been like this is doesn't matter; what matters is that I have treated a number of you who tried to help me or disagreed with me unfairly. For that, I'm sorry.

From now on, I want to focus on my future. The past is meaningless at this point; what matters is what comes next. I want to strive to become the best possible version of myself no matter what. I want to fight to be a better person worthy of respect. I want to do better. I want to change.

I will make an effort to become better at listening to people here. Even if I might not agree with everyone here, I will at least consider what everybody says; especially when I make a thread. I want to become better at connecting and empathizing with people because that is the one thing that I still struggle with. I will start putting an effort into making actual steps towards that goal.

Thanks to those who have put up with me and sorry to everyone who I might have upset. I will do better.

[Open Eyes]

I think you get triggered (((DarknessIsMyFriend))). It's good that you realize it when you get in a negative mindset. I can see you "want" to do better and make gains and you have not had much help with it either. You are not stupid either, you can make progress, PATIENCE with self is very important.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I think you get triggered (((DarknessIsMyFriend))). It's good that you realize it when you get in a negative mindset. I can see you "want" to do better and make gains and you have not had much help with it either. You are not stupid either, you can make progress, PATIENCE with self is very important.

It still doesn't excuse how crappy of a person that I've been.

I'm trying to do better at least.

[Nammu]

It shows huge maturity on your part to own the behavior and not make excuses. Kudus!

Originally Posted by Nammu

It shows huge maturity on your part to own the behavior and not make excuses. Kudus!

I would attribute me owning my behavior more towards my intellect than anything. I still am lacking quite a bit when it comes to maturity due to lacking the chance to mature emotionally. I'm smart enough to know that arguing with people, dismissing people's advice, and lashing out at people over a difference of opinion does little to benefit me and only serves to hurt me further later; especially if somebody blocks me, a friend here rejects me, or I get suspended since those are prime triggers for me.

Maybe one day, I will figure out how to undo the stunt that was placed on my emotional growth. Until then, I will rely on my intelligence and logic to guide me instead of my undeveloped emotions.

Thanks for the kind words though!

[eskielover]

I can totally relate to this. My own T talked about the walls I had built that did just what you describe. Took awhile to break them down. It was my intellect & emotional lacking that built them but it was (like you) my intellect & finally learning through my DBT group & experiencing IRL new ways of seeing & feeling after over 54 years of living the other way.

I still slip at times but the majority of my wall that argued & dismissed has been broken. The good thing about having that strong personality, it does come in handy when done more diplomatically (something else I learned) to hold our own when we are right.

We are never to old to learn new ways. My T explains that as we learn & practice new ways we reprogram those old dysfunctional neural pathways . It takes time, practice, & patience but the results are more than worth it.

.....first step is recognizing the problem.....good job!!!!

[Open Eyes]

You are learning how to utilize your intellect to control and understand your emotions. This can be quite the challenge when a person has been emotionally abused or emotionally neglected.

"If I do something BIG then I will get attention and respect".

History shows us how this ideal can be positive OR be something very negative and destructive. This is what I was trying to show you in another post I presented to you.
When I talked about how human beings have created "super heroes" that have been presented in comic books, it became popular. Also, people have taken these heroes and made movies out of them and we have learned that these movies were very popular and often made huge sums of money too. Yet, this is nothing new when it comes to human beings because we can also see this when we read about this in human history where human beings began to create "gods" and mythical beings with special powers.

What is interesting about how human beings do this is how it can lead to "innovation and invention". For example, if one thinks about Star Trek, they had a form of communication that was not something "real" in humanity, yet, now people are using this "idea of" having this communication devise in reality. In history individuals were imagining the very planes and air travel that we now actually have in "reality". It is often suggested that we have been visited by aliens because we can see some drawings/art with some of these ideas. But, IMHO, this is something human beings were simply "imagining" just as human beings have done in recent history where these magical ideas became something "real".

Hedy Lamarr: Invention of Spread Spectrum Technology

Hedy Lammar is only one example of how something "imagined" can become something "real" and she was definitely way ahead of her time when it came to envisioning something significant that solved a real problem, something we still use in the present. I pointed her out because I can see this has been your area of interest and talent as well.

Human beings have always struggled when it comes to "emotional challenge", however, human beings have also done some amazing things in their effort towards overcoming. The important thing to pay attention to is learning how to channel this challenge in a way that is productive instead of destructive.

Originally Posted by eskielover

I can totally relate to this. My own T talked about the walls I had built that did just what you describe. Took awhile to break them down. It was my intellect & emotional lacking that built them but it was (like you) my intellect & finally learning through my DBT group & experiencing IRL new ways of seeing & feeling after over 54 years of living the other way.

I will admit, I have been dismissive of therapy for awhile. One reason why is because of having a T in the past but it doing me no good and only hurting me further by forcing me to bring up memories that I don't want to deal with.

The type of therapy that I tried is CPT which is supposed to be geared at those who's primary issue is PTSD related but only made me feel worse because of how I was expected to deal with trauma from my past when I am more interested in my future. Despite having a PTSD diagnosis, most of my triggers aren't PTSD related as my PTSD is actually mild compared to some of my other issues. I'm finding that my problems are largely due to trouble with my own emotions and difficulties dealing with people and dealing with life's challenges.

I'm considering trying Psychodynamic therapy sometime in the future. My only barrier now is getting to a T since I work part time and go to school full time while dealing with the buses so transportation and making time to see a T is a barrier for me until I get a car.

Thanks for your words of wisdom though!

[eskielover]

I'm finding that my problems are largely due to trouble with my own emotions and difficulties dealing with people and dealing with life's challenges.

DBT & the outstanding group leader we had helped me learn about my emotions & how to regulate them in the Emotional Regulation section & learned how to deal with people better....after living for 54 years if my life surrounded by family & H with ASD, relating to people in a NORMAL way was a foreign concept & the Interpersonal Effectiveness section really helped me learn how to communicate so much better. It was strange to all on a sudden have people listen to what I was saying. I was so used to never bother finishing a thought & all of a sudden people listened & I would catch myself having to remember the full thought & actually finish expressing myself. I learned to deal with lifes challenges in the distress tolerance section & heaven knows even though I had left my H who filled my life with distress & moved 2100 miles away his irresponsibility continued to haunt my life with distressing issues I had to deal with.

Though most of the crap in my life I thought came the last 13 years of my married life, after learning skills to handle the junk in my life was ehen I started opening doors from the past. My T said it was the point when integrating the now with what had causef the now in my oast was normal because I now had the skills to deal with it. It opened up all kinds of figuring out things from my past & helped me resolve the PTSD from even the PTSD from the trsuma I had several years before leaving & ones I hadnt even realized were traumas. I was shocked at the help DBT provided. Only worthwhile therspy in 15 years..

We never know where our help will come from

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm glad you're making an effort to improve yourself

[reb569]

Glad to hear you are making the effort to move forward in life. That is awesome! Don't get discouraged and keep moving forward, even if there are times it's hard to do.

[divine1966]

You have great insight into your own feelings and behaviors! It's awesome. Keep moving forward and we are here for you!

[Sunflower123]

I wish you the best of luck. Acknowledging the problem is half the battle.