Hurt, anger, and grief

I am so hurt that I do not know what to do. Let me give you some background. My 17 year old daughter had been getting more difficult to handle. I am not a good parent. I handled this poorly. Then she ran away. I have been so angry with her. Then I think about my failure. What have I done so terribly wrong? When the police found her, her mother thought that I was not doing a good job parenting my daughter. So my daughter moved to her mothers house. When they came back to take some of her stuff back with them, my daughter took all of her stuff away. She told me that her mother knew how to raise her. I felt abandoned. I felt a great loss. I have been grieving her as I look at the now bare bedroom that she had with me. I want my daughter back. My daughter does not want to talk to me. I was so angry at my daughter for running away. I was angry at her mother taking my daughter away from me. But the anger has been just masking a lot of hurt.

I do not kmow what to do. I think I am starting to move past my anger, but this will take time. However the hurt remains. This becomes so overwhelming to me that I start to feel helpless. So much has gone wrong in my life recently. However my daughter wanting to remain away from me is by far the worst thing to happen to me in my life. This is all I have to think of much of the time while I do nothing but try to watch TV.

How does one deal with so much hurt, anger, and grief? I know this will take time. So will my relationship with my daughter. What is most important to me is my daughters well-being. So I do understand that for now she is best with her mother. But it still hurts.

Such a very difficult situation. I'm sorry that you are going through this. My recommendation is to let her know that you are always there for her and give her time. Send her a text or call her once in a while and prepare for the possible rejection. In time, you may be able to rebuild that relationship.

I too am so sorry for this heart rending you are going through....I do not know if you are a bad parent or not...I have known children that have ran away and could not for the life of me figure out any reason why they would....yet now years have passed and those same children look upon the parent they ran from as the most beloved person in their life....

It might be too...that if your daughter had been living with her mother...she might have ran away from her mother at this time....running to you...!....

You are already wise enough to know that anger is just the mask your hurt is wearing...and know that you ARE grieving....you have reason to grieve too....I have over 90 nieces and nephews and greats....and for the most part at some time or other the majority have 'hated' their parents...and a whole whopping lot of them have asked at one time or another to live with me....because their parents are so....mean...stupid...hateful....you name it and I have heard it....and out of them all there is not one that after getting past a certain age...does not once again love those same parents beyond the beyond....

I would agree with reb569.....about letting your daughter know that you LOVE her...and that you will be there for her...technology does allow that....in some way....even if blocked you can revert to snail mail...remember her birthdays and other days in her life that are special....

If you have a therapist talk to them about this....and I think...this is just opinion...medication changes your brain.....so talk about that with your therapist too....awareness of how medication functions in your brain...can help you too if that is any kind of factor...adding to the mix...of what you are feeling....

For example...there was a time where I was on large does of morphine....for months....with additional injections...when there was going to be added ouch.....I remember in my life people's explanation of morphine...taking away pain......I was confused by that later when taking it....because....i remember being in incredible pain...then in studying....in the brain....morphine doesn't actually take away your pain...it works in the receptors of your brain...that make you care about pain...it blocks the part of your brain that makes you care...if you HAVE pain...interesting little process that....and in hindsight I could see too...that it blocked other factors of the way I cared about things.....I know zero about any of the medications you have listed...so they may or may not be a factor...yet they might be.....as to how you are feeling...or even in how you have interacted with your daughter and her perceptions...I had a friend whose mother was very ill and dying for a long time...that mother was on morphine too....and my friend talked about how she just didn't feel her mother cared about her anymore....and I told her about the morphine and my understanding of it....and it helped my friend...through that awareness of the medication to see that it wasn't her mother rejecting her....I don't know if that makes sense....just reminding of the possibility of another layer that may be factoring into what you and your daughter are feeling....

I hope your heart and that of your daughter....find peace...and she remembers your love...

I'm really sorry to hear this..

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with a teenage girl can be entirely enormously stressful. Even under "normal" circumstances.

Kids can say the most horrible things. I went through that with my daughter. She's 45 now and still acts like a teenager when it comes to me. Try not to torture youself with "where did I go wrong?" You did the best you could.

Reach out to her and tell her you love her. That's really all you can do.

I agree with the above. Reach out to your daughter and let her know you are there for her and that you love her. If might also be a good idea to consult with a therapist considering the level of pain you're feeling. You are mourning a loss. I have an eighteen year old daughter. I empathize. Sending big hugs and best wishes for reconnecting with your daughter.

Thank you all for your support and good ideas. I will continue to reach out to my daughter. I think time will tell, but at least she will know that I am there for her. I think part of the problem is that I started disciplinig her late. When she became more out of control, sometimes I was mean to her calling her selfish and irresponsible. When she ran away and was found by the police, I lashed out at her instead of just having a very stern talk with her. I also did not help to put structure in her life as much as I should of. I was trying to be more of a freind to her instead of being strictly a parent.

I will,get through this, but sitting here doing nothing but watching TV is not helping me. I think about what happened over and over and over again. This does not help but hurt me and make me feel helpless. So maybe I need to find activities to do. I cannot go anywhere right now, so travelling around the city doing things is not an option. This used to help me with previous emotional turmoil.