I hate people

I have looked into it and it seems to me that people who get along well with others these days have a few features:

(1) they don't have any strong views;
(2) they either can't... or won't... remember things...
(3) they don't care if you keep your word and expect you not to...

Unfortunately this is against everything I grew up with.

(1) I don't believe I have strong views but I do have views. When someone violates a rule, I believe they should be punished. Popular people just let people walk over them... over and over and over and over and really don't care.

(2) Why am I cursed with a good memory. I swear it is epidemic. People I talk to can't remember what happened 48 hours ago so they can't get angry about it. I am on a group of people on my condo and they LITERALLY can't remember basics. Like that we sent out an announcement saying we should have a meeting on a certain date. They are a completely blank slate and I am tired beyond belief of reminding them and it is like I live in an alternate world where I remember things.

(3) There is nothing that upsets me more than getting all ready to do something and having it cancelled at the last moment. People are sooo flaky today. No it is NOT ok if you cancel something at the last second. It is unspeakably rude. My boss routinely tells me if X doesn't do X by some point he will do X and I alway believe him only to have him go back on his word after I stick my neck out. If you say you are going to do X... DO IT.

I don't hate people at all. And i have nothing against people in general.

I admit, I do struggle with hate for people at times, sure. Very powerful hate, yes - actual hate! But I've taken it upon myself to try and overcome it somehow. It's a poison in my soul and so far the best I can manage is trying not to act out on it which I'm successful at about 99.9 percent of the time.

I understand. It's a poison to my soul to. I'm just so angry. I feel stupid for expressing myself like this but then again what's wrong with it. Maybe I'm just worrying too much about it. I don't know.

No, it's not stupid, it's an attempt to deal with something positively, so it's good. One thing I practise all the time though, is letting go. As soon as you notice the triggering thoughts - which activate the negative feelings - begin entering the mind, let them go, quickly[!] Focus on something else. Let them go as if they were a disease. They are a disease, my friend, especially if regulating your emotions is a real problem for you, like me. Things like mindfulness and meditation are useful tools for that purpose.

I find it helpful to imagine different ways the world could be. Afterwards I can scale down the version in my head, for instance I find it useful to say "**** it" to a lot of things and people I worry about. I also like to be honest about what feelings I am feeling. It frees me to name the feelings that are shadows behind the person I want to be. When I'm angry, that is a feeling that can really hide behind niceness for me. I am working on admitting what I want, this makes me feel the most free. I look at feelings as books in a library. I can take out any book I want and enjoy it.

I definitely have a hard time dealing with my emotions and it's hard for me to let go. I'm trying to focus on what makes me feel good though.

I'm socially isolated due to my symptoms and I'm in a bad place. I go out of my house twice a day.

I won't necessarily say I HATE people, but I certainly feel much better when they are not around. True, there are people that I hate, but I don't constantly think about them or why I feel that way. Most of what I like to do most others don't, so I wind up by myself, anyway.

I have had a great time hating people all my life, passionately and intensely and judgementally. It almost seemed a way I was trying to form a connection to them, for instance to my alcoholic mom, and guard myself at the same time. it didn't work very well either way. Lately, I have turned my feelings of hate or disgust back to myself, and asked myself which shadow of mine am I projecting on the person, or reacting to the person. For instance, I get really mad when my ex says everything is unfair and that he wants justice. When I turned the spotlight back on me, I realized I felt I have never had anyone in my corner to stand for me. Then I went further and discovered I haven't been standing for myself. Now I feel kinder towards my ex, and can hear underneath his complaining, that he feels no ne has ever stood for him. I am trying to make friends with the parts of me that weren't allowed when I was younger by my parents. Life will be more interesting and fun and the huge emotional charges will go where they belong, to comfort me as a small kid, wanting to belong but feeling I had to compromise what I believed.