[seesaw]

Today my mom, stepdad and I went to the **** Estate to tour the house and grounds, etc. It was a two-hour drive to get there. Then we got there and we toured the house for like 2 hours.

When we got there I knew I was in for trouble because I have such severe anxiety and social anxiety and there were just so many people, I knew that at a certain point I was going to reach my limit. Well.we finished touring the house and have lunch and then I bought some.chocolates and then it hit just like that..limit reached. I could feel it because I had to check.myself so I didn't entirely meltdown in public or lash out at my mom.or stepdad.

They went to walk in the garden and I told them I was just going to sit on a bench. I felt so awful. I have never felt so lonely. I spend time alone all the time but never feel.lonely. Being around so many people who were with their families and husbands and boyfriends and happy spending time together and I was just by myself, it also made me super depressed and I just couldn't even function anymore.

They take a picture of you in the house, like force it on you, and I don't like having my picture taken because I'm so fat, and then they forced me to look at it (literally, I avoided the stand and they brought the.pic to me even though I said twice I didn't even want to see it)...I just melted down so badly. I didn't take it out on anyone, but I shut down for sure.

We were going to go to the winery for the wine tasting but I said I would just sit in the car while they went in if they wanted to go. I felt bad but I couldn't take anymore. I was fine sitting in the car. I may even have gone in eventually after getting a break. But they decided that we should all just go home.

I feel bad but it was a long day and I have limits. Also, I know that if I had pushed myself any further I would have had an episode.

But now I'm also super.depressed because I thought I was making progress and I see I can't even handle a few hours touring a house. And I see how fat and ugly and old I am and I'm alone and probably will be forever. I really feel just so depressed right now. Even a little suicidal. Not totally just kinda feeling like "what's the point? My life has always been and will only be miserable."

Just super low right now.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you felt like this today. I don’t have anything profound to say at the moment. Just sending hugs. When do you see your therapist next?

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry you felt like this today. I don’t have anything profound to say at the moment. Just sending hugs. When do you see your therapist next?

I don't have a t right now. I can't afford one. And please no preaching about services, I have tried, there are none available to me.

Thanks for the hugs.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't have a t right now. I can't afford one. And please no preaching about services, I have tried, there are none available to me.

Thanks for the hugs.

So sorry. I didn’t know you didn’t have t at the moment. Hugs.

(((((Seesaw)))))

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by divine1966

So sorry. I didn’t know you didn’t have t at the moment. Hugs.

It's okay. I have done relatively well the past few months without one. Today some realities were just forced on me. Especially about my weight, which has climbed up to an unhealthy weight since 2014 when I got sick. I just dont feel like I can talk to my family about it or ask for support because there will be judgment. It's also hard to ask them to do things differently to accommodate me, but I guess I'm just going to have to be a nuisance and ask.

Seesaw

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by starrysky

(((((Seesaw)))))

Thanks, starrysky

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't have a t right now. I can't afford one. And please no preaching about services, I have tried, there are none available to me.

Thanks for the hugs.

I have medicaid and medicare and they both together cover my therapy bill. I don't have to pay a cent out of pocket and SSI covers the expenses of myself having these insurances. If North Carolina has these services, so does Florida. My therapist says it's been a national law for there to be services available to everyone who needs it to become independent. It's been that way since it enacted back during the Obama Administration.

[unaluna]

I tend to get all existential at stuff like that. Decompensating really. I can hold it together for a while, but mostly i dont stay out too long.

[FallDuskTrain]

Seesaw;
I am so very sorry that you are feeling discouraged and low. I don’t have anything helpful to say as I am not even able to get out of my house, forget about driving more than 4 minutes.... I wish I could help but if i had anything profound to say, besides how sorry I am that you are going through this, I would.... but I have hit rock bottom myself.
May be this is mostly due to the fact that you have been working a lot and that you are not in your own surroundings? may be there were multiple things that were triggering you throughout your stay and being around people brought those up? Lets hope that this is the case for you and that you will feel better once you return to your own space.
Please don't be so discouraged by this incident. It may get better in time.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((((Seesaw)))))) The good news is that weight and health can be improved upon and changed. This is something you do have control over. So perhaps start with a brand new health regiment... eating healthier foods, exercising more, and getting into a routine for yourself. You can definitely lose the extra weight if you dedicate yourself to the task. It will take determination and will power as well as discipline to exercise each week. But you can do it!!!! I have a feeling that if you lost some of the extra weight you've put on, you will feel a whole lot better about yourself and when looking at photos of yourself. I am not saying you have to lose weight, because as I've said before, I think you are beautiful just as you are, but if it is bothering you and making you feel less attractive, then losing some weight will help you to feel better about yourself.

Also, try not to be so hard on yourself. We can be our own worst critics! As I've said to you before, you have a ton going for you. You are very smart, you are very successful in your career, you are a caring, perceptive and compassionate person, with a lot of personal insight into life and the world. You have so much to offer the right person. Please be kind to yourself.. see value in yourself.. see yourself as I see you, because there is so much that is wonderful, beautiful and amazing about you.

Also, never say never, as I was saying last night. It is easy to think this way, as I was recently feeling this way as well. But you never know when you may meet someone, you don't know who you're going to come across in life or when, and cupid's arrow could hit at any time. We cannot predict the future. We have no way of knowing..... so love IS possible at any time. (((((Hugs))))))

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I have medicaid and medicare and they both together cover my therapy bill. I don't have to pay a cent out of pocket and SSI covers the expenses of myself having these insurances. If North Carolina has these services, so does Florida. My therapist says it's been a national law for there to be services available to everyone who needs it to become independent. It's been that way since it enacted back during the Obama Administration.

I asked specifically for no preaching. I make too much on ssdi for Medicaid and there are a lot of details as to why I don't have a T right now. Please respect when someone asks not to be preached at.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I have medicaid and medicare and they both together cover my therapy bill. I don't have to pay a cent out of pocket and SSI covers the expenses of myself having these insurances. If North Carolina has these services, so does Florida. My therapist says it's been a national law for there to be services available to everyone who needs it to become independent. It's been that way since it enacted back during the Obama Administration.

And I am independent.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I tend to get all existential at stuff like that. Decompensating really. I can hold it together for a while, but mostly i dont stay out too long.

It seriously drained me. I am barely functioning this morning. Thank goodness all I have to do is work today, and I work from home. I may need to just lay on the sofa for a while longer and recoup for a bit longer.

Seesaw

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Seesaw;
I am so very sorry that you are feeling discouraged and low. I don’t have anything helpful to say as I am not even able to get out of my house, forget about driving more than 4 minutes.... I wish I could help but if i had anything profound to say, besides how sorry I am that you are going through this, I would.... but I have hit rock bottom myself.
May be this is mostly due to the fact that you have been working a lot and that you are not in your own surroundings? may be there were multiple things that were triggering you throughout your stay and being around people brought those up? Lets hope that this is the case for you and that you will feel better once you return to your own space.
Please don't be so discouraged by this incident. It may get better in time.

Thanks, Fall. I think the whole visit has been exacerbating my depression. A lot of factors really...I know this sounds weird, but I've been kind of pushing us to eat out a lot, which causes me to eat not so healthy, because otherwise my parents just eat in front of the TV and we don't talk. So if we go out, then they will sit at the dinner table with me and actually talk. I know that has exacerbated it a bit. Also, it has rained quite a bit while up here and I had planned to go down to the greenway to walk every day but I haven't been able to because of scheduling or the weather. When I'm at home I hike 2 miles a day, but here I've had like no activity and it's definitely been wearing on me.

Last night I chatted with a nice member in chat and they were very supportive and helped me through it. I actually ended up riding my mom's broken stationary bike (you can still pedal just the thing doesn't actually turn on and give resistance) for 45 minutes and that sort of made me feel better.

I just hit a wall yesterday and all sorts of emotions were hitting me and I shut down. I know why it happened, I suppose I know in a simplistic way how to fix it. And I guess now I'm at a place where I can focus on that aspect of my life and change it.

The problem is that I want to be so active but I just get so exhausted. And it's not just a physical thing either. It's like I need a home base or something. This may be a bit of a hold over from my agoraphobia, which I thought was mostly gone...For example, when I go out to run errands at home, I will go out and run one or two, then I need to go home and be safe for a bit, then I can go out again. That's not really possible here because the house is up in the mountains and not accessible. It's 20 minutes up and 20 minutes down. So you have to run all your errands at once, even if takes 5 hours...and I just can't handle that. Too many triggers too many things happening. For me, home is like a decompression chamber, it takes away all those triggers, so I can calm down, then go back out.

I don't know, I need to figure out another strategy so I can deal with this. I have a huge business meeting in LA next week and I have to get through it. Can't fly 7 hours back home to rest every 5 hours, lolz.

Seesaw

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't know, I need to figure out another strategy so I can deal with this. I have a huge business meeting in LA next week and I have to get through it. Can't fly 7 hours back home to rest every 5 hours, lolz.

Can you not get the rest in any other secluded place, only at home?

[mimsies]

Hang in there friend.