Need to Vent

I'm just blowing off steam I guess. I don't really have any friends, and when things go on in my chaotic life, that's when I realize how alone I am.

I'm 40 and I'm solely responsible for my Narcissistic Dad who is now 88 years old, legally blind, has dementia and is on 24 hour oxygen due to his COPD. When I realized I didn't have what it took to care for him, I placed him in an Assisted Living Facility and I work two jobs to make sure that his rent is covered.

Dad is a disabled vet, so he gets monthly checks which I use to help pay for his care. Well, the Veteran's Association screwed up. There's some paperwork that needs to be filled out so Dad's checks will continue to be direct deposited into his account, and they sent it to the wrong address. I was NEVER notified about this, so Dad's rent check bounced because he didn't have enough money in his account.

I've literally spent ALL DAY on the phone to no avail and I have no help. I'm trying to see if I can take money out of my 401K to cover the expenses (and pay the tax penalty) because they screwed up.

I want to cry I want to scream I wish someone would just listen. Dad has 13 children. I'm the ONLY one who got stuck with his care. I'm codependent as hell, and resent even being placed in this position.

My life wasn't much before taking on Dad's care, but now it's nothing. All I do is work. I have no social life, no friends, I haven't dated in two years. I'm just overwhelmed.

Sometimes I think my baby brother was onto something when he took his own life, but I can't even do that. Someone has to take care of Dad.

OK... I'm done now.

So sorry for your troubles. You're a good daughter looking out for your dad like that, but you do need to make time to care for yourself so you don't burn out. Which it sounds like you kind of are. Can you reduce hours at the 2nd job for a while just to get a breather? I know money is tight but all work and no play is hard on your mental health. You need to find a way to destress. Walks on your breaks, getting fresh air. Anything to help.

- Making sacrifices to help and care for a person is need is commendable and always a noble endeavor - one that is worthy of respect... And it doesn't matter the quality of the relationship with the individual who is being helped and care for - it's the action/deed of helping/caring for another that is most important here...

-Your value as an individual and your sense of self (worth) is truly not determined by the activity of your social life, by your number of friends, or by how much dating you've done. It's just not... And you will find no shortage of examples of individuals who have an active social life, more than enough friends, and either date regularly or are in a long term relationship - and these individuals will still report struggling with life and hurting/suffering just as much as individuals who don't have those particular life circumstances present. What I'm trying to say is, it's not those circumstances which will bring about internal peace, wholeness, and contentment - although the world conditioned us to think/believe otherwise. It has to be cultivated from within - and this can be done independent of the presence or absence of those external life circumstances.... In fact there can be times where social activity and when personal relationships can more or less serve as a distraction from undertaking and devoting time/energy to the type of inner-work that is required to bring about that state of consciousness (state of being). Solitude (alone time) can absolutely be a blessing in disguise - even when it's accompanied by feelings of loneliness...

- The physical mind (brain) is responsible for creating and contributing to all sorts of disorted perceptions and thought-forms. Commonly it will be of a nature that is self-defeating, limiting, and disempowering in various ways. We won't recognize those thought-forms and perceptions as being distortions until we bring about a heightened state of awareness within ourselves. Then we will realize how disorted (and ultimately false) our prior manner of thinking and perceiving actually was. If your physical mind is trying to convince you that you have no value or self-worth because of the types of circumstances you alluded to - then you should know that that is one big DISTORTION and is in no way representative of the higher truth.... I know from my own experience that those thoughts and perceptions absolutely feel real and they are so embedded that they feel like your identity (sense of self, who you are) - but they can ultimately be transcended and eventually seen for what they really are. The truth will set you FREE - not make you experience continued hurting/suffering.... If your thought-forms and perceptions are causing you hurting - then you should know that this is your sign that you haven't uncovered the TRUTH yet, and you need to continue searching...

-The circumstances you are experiencing at this time in your life experience regarding your care-taking of an elderly individual are TEMPORARY. This is transient - it has NO permanence... It's not going to last forever... You have to continually remind yourself to be mindful of this truth.... Why? Because it takes the perceived 'severity' and seriousness out of the circumstances and thus reduces the strength of any challenging emotions that you experience and associate with these circumstances. Because these circumstances are transient (temporary) - this should appropriately be looked upon as simply a 'phase' of your life experience. One of many... Nothing you can hold onto or try to 'make your whole world out of'... The truth is that you cannot truly derive a higher sense of self from what you are experiencing. These circumstances cannot define you nor speak to your highest nature... You have to keep working to expand your state of awareness until you can see this for yourself...

-Your 'life' is valuable beyond measure - and this has absolutely nothing to do with your 'life situation'... You exist as something that is an integral part of the entire, beautiful whole...

~wolfgaze

Love this

You go ahead and vent, girl. Take a deep breath and do not make any financial decisions while you are this upset. Keep YOUR money out of your Dad's equation.

sometimes places have support groups to help deal with these sorts of things. I'm not sure if you are open to that idea or if there is one around, but it might help. And yes, vent, sometimes we just need to.

Just curious, is he in a approved VA facility?

I am so very sorry. You sound like a very dignified and a caring person and it saddens me dearly to see people such as yourself in great pain, without being able provide much benefit to themselves.
I wish there was a way for you to share this burden with the rest of your dad's children and not handle it on your own. It is just not sustainable.
I think it is very noble an admirable of you to care for your dad but it is also very unfair that you have to take on this burden all alone, without a helping hand. You do not deserve this.
Please keep on sharing.We are here for you.

Have you tried group? Codependency responds best to group.