FEAR

I am afraid of my future. My H is bringing his mom back to our house, and I have finally decided to see a divorce lawyer. We have been married 25 years in June, and I have been his doormat, but I don't want to be that. I want to be my own person, that I was never in my whole life able to be.

Fear is understandable. It is good to admit you are feeling it and talking about it. How old were you when you married your husband?

My husband sometimes tells me--you have always been taken care of--you could never handle being by yourself! Then I wonder if he is right. My dad took care of me financially (but I lived 5 hours from home for the 4 years in college) until I began active duty in the military. Being in the military felt a little bit like having a parent to take care of you--my ROTC Commander became the Base Commander (he became a general after completing that assignment) the same summer I was commissioned then he was in my chain of command until I moved overseas due to marrying my husband. So I have always felt taken care of by a man. It continued at the overseas assignment, when I felt like my supervisor was not looking out for me, I became the executive officer for someone who did (he also was high ranking). My husband does a lot for me. I would have a lot more to worry about without him.

When you divorce, I think you have to try to think less emotionally and more analytically about it. You really have to evaluate what you need to do to be able to survive without your H. From the background you provided in previous posts--you may not be able to support your brother while divorced. If your brother is a standup guy--he would understand this and try to find a job (or qualify for disability if he is unable) in order to help (be a roommate paying 50 percent of the cost of rent/electricity/etc instead of totally dependant). If your brother isn't like this then you may need to divorce both your brother and H in order to survive. Sometimes we do not make the hard choices that must be made until something forces us.....

Thank you, my brother is on SSID, and suplametal from hos deseased wife, but he only gets about 700, and gives me 200, twards food, that isn't enough. But while my H was away we hardly spent much at all. My H is the one who eats us out of house, and home bc of all the special stuff he has to have, not to mention all the building suplys, and most of that comes out of my check. There isn't any way i can take care of all of this, and his mom too; She doesn't follow any rules, and dislikes everything from the tv program we may be watching, to what ever is fixed to eat. All she wants is to eat sweets, don't get up in till around 11 am, is a total nut job, she is 80. my H bought her a beautiful HHR 2 years ago, and there isn't any spot on it that doesn't have a dent, and in 2 years she has put over 50 thousand miles on it from then, she also is very noisy, so i have to put up all of my things so she don't use them, or pictures take them. I have 3 rooms to clear out. She is also in the rest room all the time, and we go through a whole roll of tissue a day with her, and she stopped up the comode almost on a daily basis. When she uses the restroom she sprays anything that is spraies in the camode, and I will have to get a lock for my bedroom, bc she want's to know all that I have. My brother isn't like that, at least i know where he will be, on the couch, drinking his beer. He is also going to have to put a lock on his door. Also when she does dishes, they are always still dirty, and greasy. It is all just so much, and my H will let her do what she wants. So yes, i will have to find a place for her that both my H, and his mom will like, but she never likes anything, and i will have to find a place for my brother. So i will have more than is fair on my plate for awhile.

If you initiate a divorce since most of your net worth is tied up in your house, the court will force you to sell and your H will get half of your net worth. Nowadays, there are many companies how will buy your home "as is"--we get postcards in the mail everyday about this--many even say they will move you and clear out the junk for you. Of course, you won't get as much for your home but what is your sanity worth. You cannot get your house into selling condition without your H's cooperation. I even heard zillow is starting to get into this market (buying homes in any condition--location is probably important concerning viability) on a very limited basis (they are testing but not doing this nationwide) or you could hire an auctioneer....

You will not have to figure out where anyone goes unless it is too hard to stay after filing the papers. It is possible that your H will torture you after you file if you live under the same roof. Fear makes this a tough situation because you can't afford to go anywhere else. You need to decide how to handle this part. Maybe take extra medication to ease your fear while divorcing and stay in your own room (install very good locks) and forget how bad the kitchen is? Maybe eat sandwiches and fresh salads and fruit on paper plates in your room? Don't buy anyone anything just pay enough so you do not lose the house and the electricity is not turned off. It is a real possibility that divorce could turn into a psychological war where he continues to intimidate you but staying sounds equally bad. At least with a divorce, there would be light at the end of the tunnel but are you tough enough to handle it all. It got this way because your H used your weakness against you. That will continue unless you stand up in some sort of way either by divorcing or saying if you mom stays, I go, etc......

I will have to stay in the house untill we are able to sell everything. GA is a 50/50 state, and i think that is weong bc i put most of the $ into this house, but something is better than nothing. we have a lot we will have to get rid of. And my brother already knows we will have to find him a place. My H when he finds out that i am working on a divorce, is going to be horrible to have to live with. This is probably the hardest thing i have to do in my life at this moment.

My H comes home today, and I am afraid, He has called several times but I refused to talk to him.

Before jumping to divorce, can you just separate for a while?

I don't know, that is up to him, but I very much dough it.

Wow you do have alot on your plate!!! I left my sons dad whom i was living with for 4 years, engaged to be married. He drank too much and treated me like dirt, so i finally got the courage up to leave. It is scarry trying how to do it and get away, i hope your husband doesn' t go bonkers on you. I hope and pray you'll be safe!!!

I hate that you are having to put up with all of this garbage. You are too nice a person to have to be going through this. If you need to vent about it or just talk about how you are feeling, let me know, ok? I'd be glad to listen.

How did I miss this thread?
I feel like a bad friend for missing your thread!

I am very sorry for all you are going through. I was hoping your H was just kidding about bringing his mom home. Ugh!

Today is the day to consult with the lawyer. I am thinking of you.
Please stay safe!


WC