How are you coping today?

I was having one of the best days at work in a long time, and suddenly I get some (relatively minor) but still upsetting news, and now I feel like crap again.

I hope things turn around for you soon. Please don't give up! It's Earth Day today. I hope it's nice enough for you to enjoy the outdoors today. That always has a healing effect.

Pretty good, considering I was a mess on Friday.

I'm feeling well today. The weather is nice. I started cleaning my apartment yesterday. I washed several loads of clothes. I am trying to lose weight now. I gained about 15 pounds from my shots. I feel positive about myself. I am trying to focus on my appearance because I'm overweight now and feel heavy. I will walk around the building for thirty minutes again today. I am trying not to eat everything in sight anymore. I think the shots are working now.


I was really psychotic for awhile. I was talking to myself and to other characters inside of me. I thought space aliens were after me.

I discovered kpop. It is not bad.

I am happy. I like being near my family. I don't want to live away from them if I can help it.

That's what's scary. I can't enjoy anything anymore. There is no way out of this. Every day is just agonizing pain. I have nothing to look forward to. The nice weather is just a reminder of how good so many other people have it and how I have no present and future.

I just want to be gone so badly.

I'm sorry to hear that. Have you been struggling with this for a long time? In my experience depression seems to ebb and flow, but I know for many people it's a constant presence in their life. Also, feel free to PM me if you feel more comfortable talking there. Hope you're feeling better today!

Today started out kind of ok then later took a shower, picked up groceries, did laundry and nice to get up and do the dishes, feel like I’ve accomplished a few things. Taking it day by day since it gets rough sometimes. Almost one year since my dad passed away and it’s 10.5 months now. It seems surreal at times and want to wake up from the bad dream. Must keep carrying on, help my mom when possible and do the best I can every day.

Every day is like this, just agonizing pain from when I wake up and then go to sleep. There is no relief or peace. I can't enjoy anything. Please pray for my death. I just want to be gone.

Thank you for saying that and for the online hug.

There is no ebb and flow to this. My life is completely ruined. I was sexually messed with as a kid and I didn't really have a real sexual attraction to women for most of my life so I didn't really take career things seriously my whole life because I never thought I'd get married or want kids.

I was still doing OK but then some bad luck happened and I'm almost 35 now, completely broke, have a job that only pays 47K that it's going to be hard to save all that much from, and I have these sexual feelings that I never did before.

But I've already ruined my entire life. 35, a virgin, no career, no money. I live in constant shame, regret, and pain. And there's nothing I can do now. I can never catch up to over 10 years of earning power and career growth. I can't enjoy time with my family or friends because I just feel constant shame. And they think I"m doing fine so they don't know. And of course now that I actually think I may want a marriage and a kid, I have to cope with the fact that it's never going to happen.

And money will always be a struggle. I'm basically starting my work life at 35. Nothing feels good anymore. I can't enjoy playing sports anymore, movies, music, sunshine....nothing. Everything feels horrible all the time.

I want to die so badly. I'm not even bitter at the people who have it good. That's fine, great for them. I just want to be gone. I can't imagine another 30+ years of daily, agonizing, unrelenting shame and pain. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide in case I do it wrong and life somehow gets even worse with me ending up paralyzed or something or if there is some kind of eternal punishment. But my god, this is pure hell every single day. There's nothing I can look forward to anymore.

My day is just filled with constant prayer that I somehow die.

- Joe

I feel lost and alone,I am struggling to cope,I need some mental and emotional support.I am looking after my mum again on Saturday and staying to pit her to bed,but it is so tiring and putting a strain on me.I do it to help my sister rest,she keeps saying she won't let me do it cos it is too hard but every saturday when I say I will visit she asks if I want to stay put mum to bed and I say yes.And I end up doing it.She is meant to get an agency in to cover weekends but says she is waiting for Power O Attorney cos the agency asks if one is in place.But that could take months and this is stressing and tiring me out,I am not physically or mentally well myself.

I am coping well, and I spent out some time outside with my doggie, but I am on edge waiting to hear back from a job. I REALLY want it, and I want to finally break out and start my life, but the waiting is just killing me. Ugh, I need a time machine!

Finding humor and empathy for the toxic control dynamic in my FOO.

Feel really numb. Trying to at least show some love to people as I embark on my last of times.

the chronic pain is really getting to me.

it is so bad (and making most things impossible)

I suppose okay apart from that, watched the new christopher robbin movie today which was okay (but took a while to get itself going)

shower day today so more horrible chronic pain

and struggling to breav

and balance

and I'm out of food (well not entirely but mostly)

went too the shop today to get some stuff but need a hell of a lot more

nearly got stung on the way to the shop by a bumble bee (which I'm alergic too)

not a great day

Horrible. I saw a therapist and told her about being almost 35 and broke and no career and a job that only pays 47k. She tried to say I was still young, but I could already see it in her eyes. She knows the truth.

I don't know why I couldn't have just done the 9-5 thing like everyone else, even if it was boring or whatever, I could've salvaged something of a life. It's a nice day today and I see everyone out enjoying it, relaxing. That will never be me again. It's all I really want. But all I can think about is how much of a failure I am and that I have no reason to enjoy anything. What a shitbag disaster of a life.

Why are you beating yourself up for this situation? I have quite a few friends in the same age range as you (I'm a bit younger) who are in a similar situation.

There's no "timeline" in which you live your life. I had the exact same mindset as you in college: if I'm not succeeding in my career and goals, then I'm a failure. My grades tanked, I got depressed, I isolated myself from everyone. But then I found what I really wanted to do, said "eff what other people think," and now I'm in a job I actually like (after many, many years of doing things I hated, just to "prove myself").

You're not a failure, but I know that it takes a lot to change that mindset. It's so ingrained in me that I still struggle with the constant question, "am I doing enough?"
You might want to look into cognitive distortions, too. You say your therapist had a certain look in her eyes, so either you have an insensitive therapist, or you might be jumping to conclusions. A real therapist would NOT judge you for the situation you're in. I've gotta go for now, but I hope you feel better!

The grass is always greener on the other side my friend,to me you are not a failure,what I wouldn't give for a salary of 47k,that is a lot of money to me,but you obviously aspire to the circles of the very affluent.Do not feel bad or sorry for yourself,it is never too late work towards your goals and stay firm and persevere you will attain them.My other piece of advice is never compare your life to anyone else's,you are special and unique.

Thank you for the post.But the age does matter in the end. If I ever want a kid, it would need to be done in the next 5-7 years here. But I have no money. Even if I work 2 jobs the next few years, I'm not going to have a ton. I just screwed it all up.

That's not even getting to my sexual issues from what happened when I was young. I don't even know what would happen in a sexual situation.

I could live off this if I had to. But it's the everyday pain and suffering that makes it so hard. And imagining this for the next 30+ years. Alone. It's harrowing.

Thank you for saying that. I am trying to work towards my goals but I'm always going to be severely behind, and the clock is ticking loudly if I ever want to have a kid.

I have heard the quotes about not comparing yourself and it makes sense...but it' s impossible when that's your world, when you're constantly around those other people. And parents that so badly wanted to see you succeed and get married and have kids.

I just feel so terrible that I didn't come through.

Everyone's out with their friends and families this Sunday or doing things at home, feeling relaxed. I'm in my usual complete panic mode about my ruined life. Like I am every moment of every day.

This is literally hell. Too scared to end it, live in misery every day.

Today I'm coping with things better. I've been keeping off of social media for a bit just because I needed a break from it all. There's so much negativity going on and I needed to pick up my hobbies and interests more. So I won't log on for another week or so. I simply needed a break. It was overwhelming me. This is something I plan on doing more often when I feel overwhelmed. Just stay off of social media for a bit until I feel up to using it again. My health matters more to me in the end. People should be understanding too.

Woke up with a nightmare about being a victim of a Mother’s Day massacre. Just prior to the strangers attacking, I was caught on both my sides with stress on one side from my mother and sister and stress on the other side from my son and his fiancé. IRL, I won’t even be seeing my son as he abandoned us now, nor am I seeing my sister as she couldn’t care less. The anxiety is hard to keep under control, using meds, can’t get enough. Traumatized about even dreaming about the massacre, since I had a premonition about what happened with my son and it came true, so stupidly fearing that I’ll literally be caught in an actual massacre.

Hugs. I think our dreams are about us either processing past emotional events or they tell us about how people are feeling about us/we are feel about them. Our dreams tell us about our emotions unfiltered. The premonition was likely either a coincidence or it was based on real life facts that you processed but I know you know the possibility of a masscre is remote. Though I have experienced having a dream and then not being able to shake the anxiety and emotions that the dream thrust upon me for hours and hours. That you are in counseling and dealing with so much--it all brings these things to the surface. It WILL eventually calm down, though I can't tell you how soon. Medications. Distractions. One hopeful thing is that I usually have lots of dream at the end of traumatic events though I know things may stay traumatic until your son's marriage happens and passes.....

What prompted the premonition is my concern for seeing the red flags that things were going so bad, I reached way back into the darkest corners of my mind to think about what’s the worst that can happen, and then from out of nowhere, it did.

I suppose the massacre is stemming from real life news events.

I am trying my best to be accepting and stay zen...it’s all beautiful, just great...