[vafhj]

The people there are really mean, but I derived a masochistic pleasure in posting there. I left it, but I feel like there's a chemical rush in using it. Guess I just think it's boring to post in a forum where I fit right in. Also, while this is toned down compared to say, a day or two ago, I miss my crush from there even though he's a total *****.

Hi Vafhj, I can relate. Do you want to change your behavior? Or just venting?

Originally Posted by vafhj

The people there are really mean, but I derived a masochistic pleasure in posting there. I left it, but I feel like there's a chemical rush in using it. Guess I just think it's boring to post in a forum where I fit right in. Also, while this is toned down compared to say, a day or two ago, I miss my crush from there even though he's a total *****.

You're not addicted to the forum. You hate being insulted and then find reasons to justify the behavior because you're only there for the content.

Whatever brought you there is gone.

[MickeyCheeky]

Is there any way to block the site from your computer?

[vafhj]

I have a plan, to some extent: I'll only come back to it in a year or two in the hope I could still reinvent myself there, because if I came back too early, my bad reputation would still be too fresh. At the same time however, I'm not sure what to do with the chemical rush that forum used to fill.

Originally Posted by vafhj

I have a plan, to some extent: I'll only come back to it in a year or two in the hope I could reinvent myself there, because if I came back too early, my bad reputation would still be too fresh. At the same time however, I'm not sure what to do with the chemical rush that forum used to fill.

This is a really good question! That's the kind of thing I'd ask myself, too. I think you're on the right track. I don't know, but lots of things can fill the void, even if it doesn't give you the same rush. Exercise, doing something you enjoy, talking to others, even eating, lol. Cooking, lol.

Originally Posted by starrysky

This is a really good question! That's the kind of thing I'd ask myself, too. I think you're on the right track. I don't know, but lots of things can fill the void, even if it doesn't give you the same rush. Exercise, doing something you enjoy, talking to others, even eating, lol. Cooking, lol.

You can always come on here too

[vafhj]

Originally Posted by vafhj

The people there are really mean, but I derived a masochistic pleasure in posting there. I left it, but I feel like there's a chemical rush in using it. Guess I just think it's boring to post in a forum where I fit right in. Also, while this is toned down compared to say, a day or two ago, I miss my crush from there even though he's a total *****.

The strange thing here is sometimes, it feels like I'm only faking the unrequited crush to myself in order to hide from my issues. But also, it feels like it's real at the same time, and I know so because I would not mope over that guy if the feelings weren't real. Also, BTW, I used to have this issue that I thought I had to exaggerate/or fake crushes in order to um, I dunno if this makes sense, but I actually used to exaggerate crushes to myself in order to feel like less of a slut, like, I wanted to hide from my real, trashy taste in guys. At the same time however, I wouldn't be moping if the feelings weren't real, eh?

[vafhj]

Originally Posted by vafhj

The strange thing here is sometimes, it feels like I'm only faking the unrequited crush to myself in order to hide from my issues. But also, it feels like it's real at the same time, and I know so because I would not mope over that guy if the feelings weren't real. Also, BTW, I used to have this issue that I thought I had to exaggerate/or fake crushes in order to um, I dunno if this makes sense, but I actually used to exaggerate crushes to myself in order to feel like less of a slut, like, I wanted to hide from my real, trashy taste in guys. At the same time however, I wouldn't be moping if the feelings weren't real, eh?

Wait, did that all make sense, or was that a wee bit word salad-y?

Come and go as you please

[vafhj]

Originally Posted by vafhj

The strange thing here is sometimes, it feels like I'm only faking the unrequited crush to myself in order to hide from my issues. But also, it feels like it's real at the same time, and I know so because I would not mope over that guy if the feelings weren't real. Also, BTW, I used to have this issue that I thought I had to exaggerate/or fake crushes in order to um, I dunno if this makes sense, but I actually used to exaggerate crushes to myself in order to feel like less of a slut, like, I wanted to hide from my real, trashy taste in guys. At the same time however, I wouldn't be moping if the feelings weren't real, eh?

Note to self: the feelings won't go away, and you'll no doubt fall off the wagon again, but at least try to ride the feelings out.

[vafhj]

Originally Posted by vafhj

The strange thing here is sometimes, it feels like I'm only faking the unrequited crush to myself in order to hide from my issues. But also, it feels like it's real at the same time, and I know so because I would not mope over that guy if the feelings weren't real. Also, BTW, I used to have this issue that I thought I had to exaggerate/or fake crushes in order to um, I dunno if this makes sense, but I actually used to exaggerate crushes to myself in order to feel like less of a slut, like, I wanted to hide from my real, trashy taste in guys. At the same time however, I wouldn't be moping if the feelings weren't real, eh?

Admittedly, this is probably the most disappointing crush I've ever had. In the sense that there's this chemical rush that comes right through me, and then I realize I've gone "no contact" with that forum and that if I were to post again, I'd just get shouted at by the likes of him. (Not compeletely no contact though, I still lurk.)

[vafhj]

Honestly, I haven't moped over someone like this since 2013-November 2015, that's why I was so vulnerable to this particular heartbreak. (It's documented in this thread: https://www.google.com.ph/url?sa=t&s...3QaC-OrSagUkiP)

[vafhj]

Originally Posted by vafhj

Note to self: the feelings won't go away, and you'll no doubt fall off the wagon again, but at least try to ride the feelings out.

And ride the feelings out I did.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you practice invading boundaries and when others react it gives you a rush. This is your attempt to gain attention, even if how you gain attention is invading the boundaries of others and resulting in you experiencing an increasing number of people who dislike you.

Your behavior patterns are most likely stemming from your challenges that come from being on the Autistic spectrum.

Can you block the forum from your computer?

[vafhj]

I have to admit, the crush is 88% of why it's hard for me to resist a forum as toxic as the one I was referring to. And like I said, said crush always leads me to crash down in the end, but I somehow don't want it to stop because for each moment where I can't take it anymore, there are still many "butterflies in the stomach" moments.

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

I understand to a degree. I used to love posting at this one forum, but yet I was judged by everyone. I stayed around cause I thought I had something to prove and to show the members that I'm not just this depression person. In the end I stopped going to it cause it ate me up and I felt angry. I felt like I always had to say something.

Deep down I noticed it was simply me being upset cause I was rejected by others and it fueled my anger. I hope things are getting better for you.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by vafhj

The people there are really mean, but I derived a masochistic pleasure in posting there. I left it, but I feel like there's a chemical rush in using it. Guess I just think it's boring to post in a forum where I fit right in. Also, while this is toned down compared to say, a day or two ago, I miss my crush from there even though he's a total *****.

What is the website?

[WasabiAlmonds]

You may be able to quit that forum, but without managing and coming to terms with why you enjoy being punished in the first place, you may seek some other outlet for punishment.

[the seagull]

Originally Posted by vafhj

The people there are really mean, but I derived a masochistic pleasure in posting there. I left it, but I feel like there's a chemical rush in using it. Guess I just think it's boring to post in a forum where I fit right in. Also, while this is toned down compared to say, a day or two ago, I miss my crush from there even though he's a total *****.

I get what you're saying. You crave attention and you'll do what it takes to get it. But you also dislike yourself so the minute you get that attention your emotions go postal. You crush on people who display the attributes that you want. Crushes are mirrors of our own wants and needs. Everything you seek in your crush is already within yourself, did you know that?

You are a whole universe, my friend. Remember that.