Okay. Just will continue to write here about some work stress I’m experiencing. Just need to remember to keep my mouth shut regarding management, coworkers, my fears.

I will speak here instead. I just need to vent.

Just continue to do my work no matter what, nod and accept whatever the boss tells me, even if. There is no ego. Be efficient, quiet, calm, productive, in control of myself, confident, grounded, pleasant, and friendly.

Don’t speak about other coworkers even to the female I get along with about the rampant misogyny I experience. Head down. Speak about nothing.

Some things I need to work on are speaking about nothing, not showing vulnerability, and feeling my way without showing it. Also, making personal connections with clients and coworkers to defuse situations.

If it all fails, remember that I am learning and above all I am simply here to work and do as good a job as possible. I will work for them and with them and it will be harmonious.

I am doing just fine and am breathing well. It’s going very well.

[MickeyCheeky]

You can do this!

Thanks MickeyCheeky

I am actually very upset about it all, but it’s ok.

I got triggered badly yesterday, but it’s ok.

No panic, just work.

Well I cried twice today, once before work and once during the day. I feel dumb as hell for letting myself be afraid of my boss and for my bad social skills. I don’t know what to do.

Some things are unreasonable here but I won’t even allow myself to think it you know.

I wish I were friendlier, that it was easier or more natural for me to banter.

I’ve worked really hard to get where I am conversationally. I just feel really lacking. I feel undesirable, to the core and from the beginning. I feel as if the symptoms of social/parental neglect are resurfacing.

I just feel ugly too.

I might add I’ve been scratching up my arm and it looks really bad. But that would be admitting it’s unhealthy here, when really it’s not. It’s lovely here. I just get triggered by my boss. I’m very lucky to be here.

Work has been better! Learning some things, expense reports, handling calls, able to have conversations about the management of projects with male coworkers. It is very slowly coming along.... Boss in a better mood this week.

Absolutely beautiful mountains in area too. Took a drive through it all and thought of how I’ll learn the names of the native flora and fauna of my state. I don’t get out of the city enough to see the mountains.

You know today I was speaking with one of the people and I was able to identify what the technical problem is. That gives me some hope.

I have a lot of anxiety about work. I’m dreading Monday because of some **** ups that aren’t even **** ups. None of it was my fault. Circumstances changed last minute, late into the evening after everyone had left, making the nightly email I sent out to several people wrong, a scheduling error. Another email was sent but I am terrified that I will hear from my boss about it. I am not seeking approval or trust or anything. I don’t know. I’m just trying to do my thing. Maybe I need to show her that I “respect” her by talking to her, but I am avoidant instinctively and she is a nightmare to explain things to because she will take the reality and twist it to her liking and then label you. She is a little too much like my mother. I have a lot of anxiety in general though. I can worry about anything.

She is going to be mad at all times anyway so I am just going to go right ahead and do my job. I know I did not make any mistakes tonight and I have learned from my experience here.

I am angry because i lack the social skills and character to take full control of my learning and networking. But I am also angry because I am quite obviously being held back.

I have a better idea of what direction I want to go in. I want to be on the other side of the table. I don’t know if I want to stay here for a long time though. I had thought I wanted to move up here at least once before leaving, but maybe I can move up elsewhere. That will take some maneuvering.