[piggy momma]

I want to end it.

But I’m terrified I’ll screw up.

Last April I overdosed and was in hospital for a week. My T gave me a second chance. He normally would have dropped the client because he doesn’t deal with suicidal clients.

He knows I’ve been really depressed lately. And I’ve told him I want to end things, but won’t, because I don’t want to lose him. He nodded.

But I do want to end things. I’m just terrified I’ll screw it up again and I can’t.

Living with this is agony. I wake up every day wishing I hadn’t. I know things won’t get better or change - I’ve been like this for 30 of my 44 years.

I want to end it, but I really can’t end up in hospital again, and I can’t screw it up.

piggy mama,

what's so bad in your life that you want to end it?.

do you have depression?, do you have physical issues?

in any case, I really hope you're getting support with this- ending your life is never the answer (and you're really young too, not even halfway through life)

I hope talking here helps

[MickeyCheeky]

Please, don't end it... we only get one shot at life...

[piggy momma]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

piggy mama,

what's so bad in your life that you want to end it?.

do you have depression?, do you have physical issues?

in any case, I really hope you're getting support with this- ending your life is never the answer (and you're really young too, not even halfway through life)

I hope talking here helps

I have had treatment resistant depression for as long as I can remember - my whole life. I remember even as child knowing that something was not quite right with me. I did feel things the way other people did. I've been on and off meds and in and out of therapy since I was 17. Nothing is working to the point that my doctors won't even do anything for me anymore because they acknowledge nothing is working.

To others I appear successful - I own my own home in a big, beautiful area. I work for an airline. I drive a new car. I have my own business. I'm in school full time. But I am also being sucked to death in debt that I can no longer manage.

But all of that is masking what is underneath which is constant, unrelenting depression that just doesn't give. My doctor says I can't possibly be depressed, because I am functional. I don't think my therapist knows what to do with me anymore.

I'm 44. I've lived a lot longer than I ever anticipated and I just want to be done. I'm trying to fill my days with things that are fun and useful, but nothing is fun, and nothing is useful. I just want to go .

[MickeyCheeky]

[eskielover]

Oh ugh.....that debt is seriously adding to your depression.....yep I know, I tried to fill my depressed life with things & in my bad marriage we both spent money we didn't have. I knew better but didn't give a dang & he was just always financially irresponsible.

I actually lost track of the # of times I attempted to end my life. There wasn't a med that I didn't have horrible side effects to & come to really find out there wasn't a med that could really fix what was wrong in my life.....that had actually been wrong my whole life.

I was totally functional. Got my BS degree in Accounting & Computer Science & had a successful Computer Design Engineering career for 15 years. Had our daughter 10 months before I graduated with my degree.

But the dysfunctional family I grew up in ended up being the same kind of dysfunctional H I married but I had never learned functional skills to deal with it & as things got worse my the skills I did have no longer worked. Then I ended up financially trapped in my situation & felt there was no other way out than to end it all.

I am thankful I did survive because I was there for my mom at the end of her life (cancer) & that actually was what opened the door to leave where I was & get the therapy that really did help (DBT). That also gave me the ability to be financially responsible for only myself. I bought my farm & my truck.....but I do without until I have the money to pay cash for things or get no interest short term financing. I do without everything else.

It is amazing how REALLY taking control over my life instead of reacting to everything all my life has really helped my depression & my anxiety. I was put on permanent disability because I really couldn't function after I ended up having a breakdown in 1994 (yep my first eskie & my first horse were supposed to help but didn't change the foundational problem I didn't even know existed at the time).

Never discount that things will change for tje better. I asked my good psychologist WHY leaving my old environment helped me so much because I was always told we just bring our problems along with us. She said sometimes cutting ties with that past actually opens the mind to be more able to start all over.....that has been very true for me. It's like life now is exactly how I imagined it SHOULD BE all my life but was not in a place where it COULD BE.

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I have had treatment resistant depression for as long as I can remember - my whole life. I remember even as child knowing that something was not quite right with me. I did feel things the way other people did. I've been on and off meds and in and out of therapy since I was 17. Nothing is working to the point that my doctors won't even do anything for me anymore because they acknowledge nothing is working.

To others I appear successful - I own my own home in a big, beautiful area. I work for an airline. I drive a new car. I have my own business. I'm in school full time. But I am also being sucked to death in debt that I can no longer manage.

But all of that is masking what is underneath which is constant, unrelenting depression that just doesn't give. My doctor says I can't possibly be depressed, because I am functional. I don't think my therapist knows what to do with me anymore.

I'm 44. I've lived a lot longer than I ever anticipated and I just want to be done. I'm trying to fill my days with things that are fun and useful, but nothing is fun, and nothing is useful. I just want to go .

I often feel like that (I'm 25)

for me it's more... well, I have all these things wrong with me, I have no support- and to be honest, their's nothing even left in life I want to do (or the things I do get boring)

I like music, for example, and have over 1000 songs in my collection. despite adding to it every day, it gets old.

I like trivia- but I find myself thinking... oh, yay, the millionth time playing this game

I can't work, so that's completely out of the picture- and my money situation is, well, bad

going does sound nice, it really does... better than living like this

I know that probably wasn't that helpful to you.

but having a really bad day emotionally

[Bill3]

What are reasons for leaving?

What are reasons for staying?

Originally Posted by Bill3

What are reasons for leaving?

What are reasons for staying?

I am not sure if that question was directed at me or not, but I feel like replying:

reasons to go:.

1. I don't have ambitions in life/ goals, and what's life if their is nothing you want to work towards?

2. I don't have any support, and anyone who says they are their for me and supporting me either runs a mile when things get bad, or they don't understand what's happening and can't help.
3. after being on millions of medications that just havon't worked, I'm sick of trying- and I don't want to try for the rest of my life.

4. I have missed out on too many experiences, even to try and attempt to make my life " normal"

5. I would no longer have to worry about the fact that

Possible trigger:

my own mother wants to kill me and finish what she started.

6. I am scared of dying suddenly, so I'll be in control of when I go.

7. I believe in an afterlife (a much better place than this), and it would mean I'd be their sooner
8. to get out of this tired, disgusting, abused body.
reasons to stay:

1. I would really miss this forum and couldn't imagine not being here

2. I have a wish to listen to every single music recording ever made (and I'm a long way off that!)

3. simple joys of life: breathing, clean air, listening to the birds, what ever else their is

[piggy momma]

Raging vortex, we share the same reasons for wanting to go. There’s nothing here I want to do. Nothing excites me. I feel like a failure at everything. I feel like there’s just nothing left.

I stay for my pig. We are deeply connected and I don’t know if she’d be ok if I suddenly disappeared. I don’t know what my mom would do with her, or if she’d have a good home and adjust to it.

I suppose there is still a tiny tiny piece of me that hopes for better. A better future, better moods, better everything.

I’m scared to live and I scared to die.

[lady411]

Piggy momma & Raging Vortex. I'm not sure if this might be helpful but life is so beautiful no matter how bad or empty it might seem sometimes there's always something or someone worth living for. Even if it's just for a pig. Find that purpose in your life.