Triggered

im very tired, mostly because of my job. i have no time to do anything else but sleep and work. i didnt want that but i need the money.
im buying a little flat for myself. the place where im going to…. ***
im scared. i shouold be happy but i only feel detached from it all.
i promised i'd do things right and i am, even my body and mind are acting "right"....
but deep down im only scared and try to act right to not lose my mind. im doing as promised, as expected of me. last night i slept with my teddy. im almost 37.
i envy everyone and my T did awful talking to me about a person we both know. now im triggered.
i want to scream and hide, but then once alone, there would be only my own mind to keep me company and its not something i want. i want to get out of my own head.
im doing things right. all duties. i even watch a tv serie i dont like… i dont know why. to keep my mind somewhat busy, i guess….
why is everyone else moving on with their lives but me? the flat is a step forward technically but its just a facade and i still feel stuck in my head, in my misery.
i want out but im scared. i want rest but my mind wont let me.
everything and everyone are hurting me just by being and living their lives. i dont want mine. im so tired of it.
please, someone help me somehow?

We only have ourselves. No matter how many friends we have. You are moving in the right direction, Honor Yourself.

Trust me, you're making a lot of steps forwards. I'm sorry you can't see them. ((((sinking))))

I know we all are ultimately alone. it makes me sad and overwhelmed and powerless, defeated and scared. resigned.

i dont feel im moving forward. i feel im surrendering to my destiny. dying alone, disappointed and disgusted by the failure of my life and the whole world and life as they are made.

bottom line is in the end i will give up. it is too much for me. im wrongly wired to this world. im having enough. just waiting for the right moment. it could take longer than i wish but i will get there. and it is comforting somehow...

((((sinking)))) I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Remember that everything always looks worse than it is when you're depressed. Not saying your problems aren't real... they just look even worse. And I don't think you're a failure. Just the fact that you're still standing proves how strong you are.

Im still triggered, it wont let me free.
Giving up and taking meds...

My T shouldnt have said what she said. Cant she think before saying stuff? She seems so dumb to me. I had just told her about getting triggered by something and she kept talking about the same subject giving me more triggering material. How can she be so stupid? She hurt me, and its not the first time she is "dumb". Is she really this stupid?
Im still burning from the trigger.
She gave me more motives to give up life.

So i just cut. Im letting myself go back to old dear coping techniques.

I told my T she shoukdnt have said "that" without precising what. Taking it on her helped but now im torn. She asked what did she say and i dont want to keep talking about that anymore

((((sinking)))) Perhaps you should change therapist. Can you do it? I'm sorry

Thanks, maybe i should she is so naive about a lot of things but she also helped me in a lot of other ways... she just doesnt seem to get me or know what we can talk about without problems and what triggers me. She is triggering a lot of times but also went out of her way to help. So I'll keep her i guess...

((((sinking)))) If you don't feel understood perhaps she's just not the right person.

Maybe, but i feel im stuck with her.

Thank you for your support, im feeling better now, less triggered. matbe because i shifted my attention from the trigger to my T...

((((sinking)))) Anything that can help. It's good that you're focusing on your T because that means you're focusing on your own healing, as well