Scared to Look Inside

I cry at what to most would appear to be very weird, non-threatening things. I'll give you a couple of examples...

I had a survey to take for homework and one of the questions was, "What deceased person do you most try to emulate?" My first thought is that it doesn't matter who I name, I'm falling FAR SHORT of that goal, i.e. I'm a fk up, commence crying.

I avoided most of the Veteran's Day stuff today. It's not the sacrifice of vets that does me in, it's my feeling that I'm a fk up who doesn't do enough, commence crying.

I got an advertisement from Verizon. I get these little free things and one of them was a free 3 month membership to an app for meditation. This is the one that REALLY did me in. I used to think that I don't meditate because I couldn't quiet my mind but now, I think I'm SCARED. I'm SCARED to be that alone with my thoughts. I'm scared of what I might find there and I'm even more scared that i won't find anything at all.

How the fk am I supposed to get better when I am so scared to look inside?

diffrent things work for diffrent people, I guess

meditation does nothing for me- if anything, it brings on laughter. I don't know why laughter, maybe because the thought of it actually working is like.... um, okay lol

((((YMIHere)))) Being scared of analyzing your feelings is completely normal. It takes time before one gets over it. But I suggest to give it a try anyway (not necessarely meditation - even therapy can work).

Hi YMIHere,

To me, it sounds like you might be suffering with self esteem issues, a sense of low self worth, which can trigger awful thoughts and feelings towards oneself. And which can then obviously influence the decisions a person makes for their lives. I know it only too well.

Therapy, self help types of approaches, or both, could be integral at this stage, YMIHere.

Meditation isn't about looking inside though, it's about learning how to sit and let go of what's inside that can be causing internal disturbances.

No money for therapy and no insurance. I'm paying out of pocket just to keep myself medicated. The visit because I paid cash was only $60. Was over $300 for my meds.

Definitely self esteem issues. This I know. I just don't know how to solve them by myself. I listen to a lot of self help books and I do gain better perspectives but nothing that ever helps me get over any real hurdles.

Thank you for this perspective. I'll try to remember it if I'm willing to give it a shot. It's the QUIET the scares me to death.

Go ahead and feel Scared. Go with it and grow. You are already taking the risks.

Don't know if it will help,but you may be addicted to
unhappiness,which is title of book:"Addicted To Unhappiness".
For self-esteem,there is brilliant psychologist,(and I do mean
brilliant) by name of Nathaniel Branden,who is thee expert
on self-esteem.I recommend "The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem",and "Honoring The Self"--the man changed my
life--you might get them second hand to save you cash.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE.