Coping with other people's emotions

Another co-worker jokingly said that so-and-so probably had a spotless apartment with everything always in perfect order, "like a psychopath." Where do people even get these ideas?

From TV shows and movies. Have you noticed how popular crime/killer shows are? I've always wondered why. Fantasy maybe? People enjoy watching characters do things they would never do in their own lives? There's a show that's entirely devoted to sex crimes. A friend told me basically every episode starts out with a murdered prostitute or a case of child abuse. Personally, I don't see the appeal of such a show. Watching the news is rough enough. But apparently lots of people enjoy it! And what about Breaking Bad? I only made it through 1/2 an episode it was so depressing. But it was a huge hit. Dexter was all about a serial killer....a serial killer who only killed "bad guys"....that concept made me chuckle. House of Cards was basically about a couple of psychopaths.

Dang it. I am a clean freak and my place is very clean and is in perfect order. So is my clothes etc etc I just like for things to look aesthetically pleasing. Apparently it makes me a psychopath. Lol

in my experience people who claim that neat people have something wrong with them live themselves in filth and are unkempt. They use all this nonsense as an excuse for their messiness. Jeez

As about your friend I’d offer her support by providing practical solution: don’t date married men and don’t date people at work and stay out of messy relationships. If she wants something more from you particularly unicorns and rainbows and mutual wailing and moping, politely decline and let her know that you already provided support by advising her staying away from the man in question. That’s all you can provide. If she wants more she should seek it somewhere else. Plenty of people would like to mutually cry on each other shoulders. She can find someone to do that. Sorry for sounding harsh but is this person doesn’t sound like a grown up.

Yes.

Yeah, I'll do that, and we'll see how well she handles boundaries.

While I do think she attracts drama, and probably even enjoys it to an extent, I'm not convinced that she likes me for the same reason. I think she likes me because I'm the counterbalance to the highly emotional junk that's going on in her life. She can vent all her emotions to me, and I'll be relatively calm and stable, regardless of what she does.

But this isn't a good thing. Suppose I weren't a psychopath and she were unloading all this onto some unsuspecting, innocent bystander who would be emotionally affected by it. Which is what she thinks she's doing, because she doesn't know that I'm not emotionally affected by it. Yet she continues to do it.

Excellent points. And no, I wasn't suggesting that she thinks you are dramatic. You obviously aren't. I was just wondering if that is what the bids for you to open up are about....digging for some "dirt." It does not sound like a genuine offering of support from her end. Because I don't think she's necessarily capable of that.

Yes, good point about what she thinks she's doing. At best, she's self-absorbed and insecure. At worst, she's trouble.

I was listening to a talk the other day from a psychologist I like. Something that struck me as very important was: "Insecurity does not stay contained. It inevitably spills out and affects the people around the insecure person."

Ultimately, I think it comes down to what you are willing to accept and tolerate from other people in your life.

Yes. It's very amusing, and I kind of wonder what non-psychopaths think of shows like that, or why they cheer on characters like Walter White. I think you're right - they can disassociate themselves from it fairly easily because it's fantasy.

On the other hand, I'd like to conduct a study on the sorts of people who enjoy shows with villain protagonists and see how high they rate on the Dark Triad.

Will do. I think I'm also going to talk with Ben as well. Thus far, I've only heard these things from her side. And yeah, she's immature, and more than a little manipulative, though I doubt she's doing it deliberately or coldly. All that being considered, I'm not sure how much of this story has been embellished.

And you're definitely a psychopath. You actually wash your clothes?! Who does that?

It definitely could be that she's digging for "dirt." I'm actually leaning toward that possibility. The only way to find out for sure is to give her something and see what she does with that information. But that would be manipulative, wouldn't it?

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. I'll be hanging out with her again soon, and I'll see how it goes.

On the other hand, I'd like to conduct a study on the sorts of people who enjoy shows with villain protagonists and see how high they rate on the Dark Triad.

I would very much like to read the results of such a study! Including from participants who write and direct those shows. For example, I've heard (though have never watched) that Game of Thrones (massive following) portrayed gratuitous rape scenes. That's just one example. When I see films or shows where they are so graphic with rape, I always wonder if the men who direct them are trying to appeal to some men's darkest impulses? And I wonder if the directors get off while watching such scenes. I ran that idea by a couple of friends and they thought I was nuts! Hahahaha. Oh well!

What do you do when you feel angry? How do you release your anger?

Anger usually creates adreneline ready for fight, do you have to act out that adreneline or does it just go away?

Oh, there's so much to be said on that topic. I'll make a thread of it in the Q&A forum when I get the time.

[QUOTE=theoretical;6558416]It definitely could be that she's digging for "dirt." I'm actually leaning toward that possibility. The only way to find out for sure is to give her something and see what she does with that information. But that would be manipulative, wouldn't it?

Doing that once could be just a screen. Repeatedly would be manipulative. Imo.

Cheers! I would love to read that. I've wondered about these things for years but nobody agrees with me so there's really no discussion. Have a good eve!

I throw things at walls or hit stuff. It comes and goes in a flash, so I usually have to leave the situation immediately if I want to not throw things or start a fight. I'd like to be able to control it in the moment, but it happens so rarely and briefly that it's difficult for me to get any practice with it.

Silver, Game of Thrones was based on a series of novels and the only way that writer would consider his work being put into film is if his work was not condensed which would have left out a lot of what he felt was important about his work. He explained that his work was expressing a lot of human emotions and included how violent human beings can be as well as cruel and savage. It's about those who covet power and those who have it and what they do with it.

"Game of Thrones": "60 Minutes" goes behind the scenes ahead of season 8 premiere - CBS News

Hope this isn't hyjacking, just watched this on 60 minutes and it explains why the author allowed what became the very popular series shown on HBO. The author explains why he would only allow his work to be put into film if it was done in a way that reflected all of his work instead of condensing it in this segment as I have mentioned.

I found it interesting as I had not watched or followed it myself, too violent for my taste tbh.

That is what someone emotionally overwhelmed can need, they need to vent it out and prefer to have someone that can listen without interupting them. You feel it in a flash an at least know you need to leave a situation quickly. When someone has a lot of built up confusing emotions, they try to surpress these emotions until they need to release them and often need to do so verbally. Women especially need to experience emotions so she can nurture her young and get so she can feel a child's needs before that child is able to verbalize their needs. When this woman you are talking about wants you to share her emotional experiences, you don't have to tell her you don't feel emotions, rather you can explain to her that you are set up to rationalize and problem solve as so many males do and she would best reach out to other women who can emotionalize with her in a sympathic way.

She could be exaggerating all that she says about the guy. I’ve met women who assume that guys are madly in love with them when it’s not the case at all.

Too much drama for my taste. Especially at work

That's a good cover. I grew up around a lot of guys in the family, too, so my backstory even matches. What luck.

I spent some time with them last night. She's not exaggerating about him liking her, although I still think this whole thing is wildly unstable. Yes, very much drama.

I really think it depends on the situation, but I would rather have no one to talk to than someone not active listening to me because that would make me feel worse than I already am. At the same time, sometimes I just want someone to listen when I am in a crisis, not for empathy or anything, but just to be heard. I do not know if this helps because I do not know the situation but I hope you post about it so I can have a better response. I would say that you wanted emotional comfort so you want someone who will actually listen to what you are saying. At the same time, was the person you were communicating with mentally ready to hear what you were saying? Something to consider. Would love to hear more.

Thanks for the insight.

And I apologize for not being more clear in the original post. My cousins were grieving the loss of their father, and I was supposed to be giving emotional comfort to them, but I didn't know how to comfort them. I was basically asking if just listening to them would be enough, or if they were looking for something more.

theoretical, it's actually pretty common to not know how to comfort someone who is dealing with a loss. Usually just listening helps a lot. Yet people grieve differently, not everyone talks, some just sit quietly and say very little.

Yeah, I realize this. It's a skill, like most social interaction, but I've gotten the impression that there's something deeper missing. You know .... Emotions, those pesky little things.

Sure, I could learn to better mimic the appropriate emotional reactions in order to accommodate others' feelings, and this would probably be the "polite" thing to do, however manipulative. And that's why I was asking - would you rather me do this, even if it isn't genuine? Even if I can't empathize?

It's kind of a weird gray area for me, morally speaking, because in this instance, faking empathy would be the polite thing to do. I'm putting forth effort as a consideration of another's feelings, which is morally good (right?), but that effort is basically learning to lie better.

Not everyone can empathize appropriately though in different scenarios. So, in effect some people just do their best and follow the other person's lead.

Here is a way to consider what "loss" can mean to someone. If you have something you get used to using everyday, like your cell phone for example, if you suddenly lost that you would get upset am I right? Well, the human brain is like that where a person gets used to having a person in their life all the time and when that person is no longer there they have to get used to no longer having that person around and there is no way they can replace that either. The brain has a hard time adjusting to suddenly losing something that a person is so used to having around them. While you don't form emotional attachments, your brain can still struggle suddenly not having something you are so used to having in your life. So, in effect you can still feel discomfort even if its not one that also contains a lot of emotional loss as well. What would you experience if you used your cell phone constantly, it was important to how you lived your life and you suddenly lose it and there is no way you can get another one. It would mean you would have to learn to live your life very differently. How would that affect you? I am just trying to think of something you really worked your life around and then you suddenly lose it how that might affect you.

I understand, and yes, I can use cognitive empathy in lieu of genuine emotion. But it isn't going to be genuine or have any real depth, regardless of what I do. I'm just wondering if you would be okay with that, or perhaps you would prefer something else.

Take your parable of the bird in the horse stall, for example. You mentioned that you felt something which compelled you to assist the bird. I have no such feeling, and I wouldn't feel compelled to do anything about the bird. I still might, but it wouldn't be coming from any feelings of empathy, and no amount of rationalizing is going to change that. Likewise, when you see someone grieving, I'd imagine you feel something which compels you to help them, even if it's only offering a hug or a sympathy card. I just don't get that. And some people can tell that there's no genuine emotion behind the act.

Or maybe you don't feel anything and you send your condolences for some other reason? Social etiquette? I don't know why people do things...

Well, all you can do is learn about what things are important to others as best you can and as with what I described about the bird, yes, I felt for it and was driven to do something. You may not feel that way but at least you will know that other's will and not to tell them they are stupid for caring as was what I experienced.

I don't see it as morally grey at all. You're putting forth the effort to help others despite not having empathy, compassion or pity compelling you to do so.

Yes, you may be lying. But think if another person with a normal capacity for emotion were to console your friend instead of you, yet provided the same support. What would be the difference if the person you're supporting doesn't know your words are empty, in the sense you're not feeling what you're saying, nor are you feeling anything for them? Essentially, different motivations for helping people doesn't make what you say or do any less valuable to the person receiving it. In most contexts anyways.

There's also the fact that you're trying to help them in the first place, when many people, psychopath or not, simply don't care to, or offer "support" unhelpful to the recipient.

That being said, abstaining from helping others in instances you're not confident you can be of use in is also fine. You're acknowledging your limitations instead of trying to help someone you might not know how to. Many times, people with good intentions do that, and end up making the person they're trying to help feel worse.

Also, I have no proof of this. But I think most people would rather receive "autenthic" support than "inauthentic". But that's with the knowledge of knowing. It's also ignoring things like, what if the "inauthentic" support is more insightful to the person and the other one isn't, but is coming from a place of genuine feeling for the other? And again, in most instances, you don't know the motivations that people have for helping others. Different motivations when revealed, unless sinister, shouldn't change which support one would rather receive if the "inauthentic" one is more helpful. Imo, for people that would answer this type of question, it's mostly the idea of someone wired much differently than themselves and most of society, which could be uncomfortable (especially the term psycopath, which has a lot of negative preconceived notions surrounding it) that would sway them to prefering authentic support, even if it doesn't provide as much value.

I hadn't thought of it that way. Yeah, I'm still helping people, and maybe it isn't compassion compelling me to do it, but I still want to help them, regardless. Thanks for the perspective!