[LiteraryLark]

I read some of the things I said in my past on PC out of curiousity, way back when I was a really hated member on PC...my mouth dropped. I am absolutely shocked that I could even say anything that horrible to anyone let alone REPEATEDLY AND FOR TWO YEARS. None of anything I said back then sounds like who I am at all. I mean, I am absolutely nothing like who I was then. I can't even explain why I was such a mean, nasty person. Who I am now is someone who would never hurt a fly, who has the biggest heart, who thinks about other people and other animals, who is honest and truthful and a lover of God and will do anything for family. I am now finally at a point where I have many good friends here who support me and cheer me on--some of these members have known me a long time, and I can't remember for sure, but I'm pretty sure some of my biggest cheerleaders used to know that old LL, the evil, vindictive, CRAZY mean person that I can't even recognize as being me. And after what I've just read, I have no idea how they would ever forgive me for the things I've said in the past--if it was me seeing this person, I'd never reply to their posts again because they were that crazy and mean/ So I am stunned that the people who stuck around still support me. I couldn't. I couldn't be friends in person let alone friends on the internet with someone who I used to be.

I was a really bad person, but I guess the point is, you can change. I've been through a lot. I lost my mind, a house in a wildfire, a house in a house fire...and you know, the list can go on and on, but I never ever gave up, I moved forward, I conquered, I have been going to therapy since I was 14, I've done hours of group classes, mindful meditation, I found God, I tried really really hard to overcome the hardship IN MY OWN MIND so I can be a loving, honest, truthful, loyal, kind, generous, optimisistic, caring kickass Queen that I am today. My god, I thought I wasn't a queen because I wasn't good enough NOW. And now that I see, OH MY GOD, THAT'S who I was!?!!?!? That I realize I really am a queen. I am royalty, because I have made the transformation from the monster to the princess. And I guess while I'm making a speech I might as well say the cheesy "you can do it too" because you can. You can go from a horrible, mean, ugly, pessismistic monster to a beautiful, kind, optimistic , loving Queen. I mean, I feel like yeah, I really have changed, and THANK GOD IT'S FOR THE BETTER!!!!! I hope I will only continue to become stronger and kinder...and seriously, I'm really, really curious how the long time members can accept the changes in me after I treated people so badly.

[unaluna]

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Plus when i realized and accepted what a horrible person i was, instead of making excuses for myself, well, i just wish i had done it sooner.

[sarahsweets]

Hey LL` I wish i knew your old name not to be nosey but t0 see if we ever interacted or your other interactions. You are so awesome now. Supportive and wise and I always read your posts.[/B][/SIZE][/FONT]

[divine1966]

You were never bad nasty person. And you did not deliberately treat people badly to cause harm. Not at all.

You were a struggling person. Not to say you don’t struggle now, we all do. But those were growing pains, struggling with looking for your place in the world and looking for ways to live your life. You were also figuring out your mental health. During those struggles people might say and do some harsh things.

In addition you were younger. Many most wonderful people were holly terror in teenager years and above. I’d say it’s normal.

Also this is mostly mental health forum so if people expect everyone to be on the best behavior at all times they shouldn’t probably be on this forum. Not the right forum

You are an inspiration and a role model of growth and perseverance and ability for a great reflection and insight.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You were never bad nasty person. And you did not deliberately treat people badly to cause harm. Not at all.

You were a struggling person. Not to say you don’t struggle now, we all do. But those were growing pains, struggling with looking for your place in the world and looking for ways to live your life. You were also figuring out your mental health. During those struggles people might say and do some harsh things.

In addition you were younger. Many most wonderful people were holly terror in teenager years and above. I’d say it’s normal.

Also this is mostly mental health forum so if people expect everyone to be on the best behavior at all times they shouldn’t probably be on this forum. Not the right forum

You are an inspiration and a role model of growth and perseverance and ability for a great reflection and insight.

Your words mean a lot to me. I love reading all of your comments, and you're a very special person on PC to me. Thank you so much for your kindness and honesty. This put things in perspective and made me feel better.

My whole life I have been told I am my harshest critic and a perfectionist and too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy, and I project that on others and I feel like others see me the way I see myself. It is something I would really like to work on. It took me years to stop verbally abusing myself when I looked in the mirror. Now more and more I'm telling myself I look beautiful...the weight loss is really boosting my self-esteem--I'm trying to understand the concept of loving yourself while making changes and improving yourself (of weight loss for example.)

That's why for the past couple years I've enjoyed exploring fashion. I told myself in the past that I wear ugly clothes and know nothing about style, so on top of telling myself that, I struggled with gender identity, so I only wore men's clothes...But at one point in college, some light bulb went off and I thought to myself, "what does it mean to be a woman? What does female empowerment mean to me? Can I feel pretty/beautiful/sexy?"

I have found that what has gotten me more accepting towards my body is what I wear. When I dress up and look my best, I feel my best, I feel good about myself, and I love the attention I get...I'm always getting compliments everywhere I go, and as someone who cannot compliment myself the validation that I am looking my best makes me feel good. So, to make a long story short (too late) fashion makes me comfortable to be myself at any size because you can always look good at any weight...I feel at any weight there is always something you can wear that can make you feel pretty.

And to note, no other 29-year old dresses like me. I just don't fit into that style of the 20-somethings, I just do my own thing and I guess to a lot of people it's refreshing and they like it and I like it. I couldn't describe my style even if I wanted to. Big city girl on a Goodwill budget, hahahahahaha. That sounds bad but I really don't know how else to describe my style...

But this upcoming Decembr I am becoming the big 30. Something I'd really like to accomplish is to feel sexy by 30 AKA "thirty, flirty, and thriving". And this has nothing to do with weight loss (but would certainly enhance the feeling), I'd really like to wear clothing I feel sexy in, but have no idea what that even looks like to me. Thinking of myself as sexy is unheard of, but sexy by 30 in 10 months is a good goal. I know weight loss and fashion are two big factors, but it's also a mindset. Believe it or not, sometimes I'll look in the mirror and tell myself, "Yeah, I am sexy." It's usually followed with "how?? why????" But I'm trying to practice it.

[unaluna]

Two things: People find confidence sexy. And only wear things you say gee this looks good on me!

[Open Eyes]

I think a lot depends on what a person is dealing with in their life. I know for myself I was struggling a lot and stuck in hyper vigilant mode. I never had time to interact the way I was interacting and I did get triggered a lot. I was very confused by the ptsd I was experiencing and struggled to sleep and function. Plus I had crappy therapists that did not understand ptsd. It wasn’t until I finally found an actual trauma therapist that I was finally able to understand better. I was so frightened when I experienced flashbacks.

Much more is understood about PTSD then over 10 years ago.

Don’t beat yourself up, you were struggling and in need of help and support. 😉

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

Your words mean a lot to me. I love reading all of your comments, and you're a very special person on PC to me. Thank you so much for your kindness and honesty. This put things in perspective and made me feel better.

My whole life I have been told I am my harshest critic and a perfectionist and too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy, and I project that on others and I feel like others see me the way I see myself. It is something I would really like to work on. It took me years to stop verbally abusing myself when I looked in the mirror. Now more and more I'm telling myself I look beautiful...the weight loss is really boosting my self-esteem--I'm trying to understand the concept of loving yourself while making changes and improving yourself (of weight loss for example.)

That's why for the past couple years I've enjoyed exploring fashion. I told myself in the past that I wear ugly clothes and know nothing about style, so on top of telling myself that, I struggled with gender identity, so I only wore men's clothes...But at one point in college, some light bulb went off and I thought to myself, "what does it mean to be a woman? What does female empowerment mean to me? Can I feel pretty/beautiful/sexy?"

I have found that what has gotten me more accepting towards my body is what I wear. When I dress up and look my best, I feel my best, I feel good about myself, and I love the attention I get...I'm always getting compliments everywhere I go, and as someone who cannot compliment myself the validation that I am looking my best makes me feel good. So, to make a long story short (too late) fashion makes me comfortable to be myself at any size because you can always look good at any weight...I feel at any weight there is always something you can wear that can make you feel pretty.

And to note, no other 29-year old dresses like me. I just don't fit into that style of the 20-somethings, I just do my own thing and I guess to a lot of people it's refreshing and they like it and I like it. I couldn't describe my style even if I wanted to. Big city girl on a Goodwill budget, hahahahahaha. That sounds bad but I really don't know how else to describe my style...

But this upcoming Decembr I am becoming the big 30. Something I'd really like to accomplish is to feel sexy by 30 AKA "thirty, flirty, and thriving". And this has nothing to do with weight loss (but would certainly enhance the feeling), I'd really like to wear clothing I feel sexy in, but have no idea what that even looks like to me. Thinking of myself as sexy is unheard of, but sexy by 30 in 10 months is a good goal. I know weight loss and fashion are two big factors, but it's also a mindset. Believe it or not, sometimes I'll look in the mirror and tell myself, "Yeah, I am sexy." It's usually followed with "how?? why????" But I'm trying to practice it.

Awe thank you for your kind words.

As about fashion I think it’s important to wear what you enjoy. Well within common sense of course. Clothes has to be appropriate for the occasion, like work situations.

But other than that, if you like: it wear it. Regardless of what is currently in fashion or what others think you should wear, just wear what makes you happy. That is sexy. Making your own choice.

Bright colors? Bold styles? Or more conservative look? Whatever you like