Tired

Tired of being no one. Tired of being alone and lonely all the time. Tired of being laughed at because I am a loser. Tired of being dependent financially and emotionally on others. Tired of being worthless. Tired of being weak. Tired of being immature. Tired of being the guy who doesn't want to upset people.

I have tried everything. Read self-help books. Visited a psychiatrist who treated me like a medication experiment and saw me 10 mins every 2-3 months by changing the dose or the medication. Reached out to the people I know, not necessarily for help of any kind, but just to go out and have fun, but no one wanted to have anything to do with me. Went to general social meetups groups which resulted in more pain and loneliness than before.

Apparently, I cannot be helped and I don't deserve to be acknowledged by anyone. The reason? Because I have nothing to offer. When I had something to offer, people were calling me. I was helping a student in his PhD dissertation, and going to his office to explain to him things, but when he got a job, he stopped responding to my messages. I helped another person financially who reached out to me when he first came to the city I live in. Now he doesn't recognize me, and when he got a job I sent him a message to congratulate him, but didn't reply, because "he thought he shouldn't reply" He has never checked how I am doing, and he knows I am struggling to find a job, while I keep messaging him like an idiot asking about him, hoping he would change and initiate a talk or suggest to go out one day!! But this is how people are: self-absorbed. How should I react to this reality? To be depressed? Angry? apathetic? frustrated?

There is only one thing that set my peers from me: sociability!! But this only difference has made all the difference in the world. I am not a bad or a rude person, but I am not sociable, and I specially don't make good first impressions. But this how people make judgment about you: how you look (your facial features), if you are confident, if you are funny, if you make good first impressions ...

Wait until you have a monthly period. Then talk to me about feeling tired.

I jest. Sort of. Your first two paragraphs are apt descriptions for every woman's PMS symptoms regardless of age.

Your third paragraph is your self-doubt and low self esteem and frustration over your situation.

That fair weather friend you described is a jerk. Forget about him. We don't find out who our real friends are until we reach out to people for help. Their response speaks VOLUMES about their true feelings towards us. I can't tell you how to react to your fair weather friend. I can only tell you not to take his response personally. It's not about you. It's about him. He's a jerk. Forget about him and focus your energy on yourself.

Oh, and also this...if it doesn't make you laugh, I've failed.

YouTube

So, true. I am not sure if this normal or constructive, but I feel I need to revenge from them. To make them feel they made a mistake by ignoring me and treating me with contempt, and success is the best revenge as they say, but then self-doubt thoughts start to take over my thought process from nowhere, that I will never be successful and be somebody and respected, and my past experiences are the witness, and others will always laugh at me and treat me with contempt, and feel they are better than me, and use me as an example for their success how they made it while I failed.

I don't know why I am full of self-doubt and have incredibly very low self-esteem This keeps me from progressing, from keep trying. I abort any action before it starts because I cannot see myself succeed in anything anymore. The rejections I've received during the job hunt process has made things worse. I think I've lost much of myself esteem during the job hunt process. It's made me feel useless and not valued professionally, which has made me feel like I am a completely useless person at all levels, socially and professionally.

When I moved in with my parents 2 years ago because of my financial situation, I didn't leave their home. I was ashamed and felt so little. I wasn't even going out of my room and sit with people who came to visit my parents, because I was afraid to be asked why I am not working An uncle of mine told me once "you are not good". Well, thanks for the encouragement, uncle, and for confirming my negative self-image. Needless to say the endless fights I had with my father, because he thought I am just lazy and didn't want to work. It was a nightmare period for me. I almost cut off the relationship with my parents after I left. Now I keep it at bare minimum.

Another person has joined the group of not responding to me. This guy was struggling like me, and he was responding to my messages, but then he got a good job, and gradually started to distance himself from me because apparently I am no longer a match to his league of being important with a good paying job. The last time I talked to him I told him how I feel when I see all my peers are working and I am not, he implied I am envious and he was upset I called him from his tone and how he was speaking to me like I am worthless!! Also, he was telling me his salary isn't good without me asking or even implying anything. I felt he was afraid me asking him for financial help. All I wanted is a listening ears that I cannot find. Apparently I am too much to handle for everyone. The cold world keeps growing around me

To me, it's absolutely rude not to respond to the messages, even if the person who sends you the messages is not a priority. I don't treat all people the same, but I have never ignored a single message or email or a phone call. Apparently, it's good to be rude in this world, and it seems to work best when you are One person told me once he doesn't respond to all messages because it makes him appear "important" and "busy"!! I suspect many people think the same.

A post just reminded me of a prank I watched on YouTube, where a homeless person searching the garbage for something to eat asks for change from passing people, who didn't give him anything, but then the same people few meters away asked for change by a beautiful lady for change to put in the parking meter because she didn't have change with a car parking near
the meter, and they quickly gave change while smiling and trying to talk to the lady (apparently, they were men), and then the homeless man would appear from nowhere and point to them and laugh!! It might be funny (it wasn't for me. For me it was more of a social experiment), but the moral of the story is very strong. People don't help those in need, but those who deserve help according them. Apparently the homeless man didn't have anything to offer back to these men. I would say everything in life is very similar to this scenario. Everything is about self-interest. For everything people do there is a question asked: "what's in it for me?"