Life Lessons and Boundaries

I found this article and thought it was very well written and articulated, with great examples of setting boundaries and healthy/unhealthy responses to a boundary. What is interesting to me about this perspective are the examples of healthy and unhealthy responses to someone setting a boundary, which is very telling of that person's health.

How He or She Responds to a Boundary Is Telling | Psychology Today

I am working on boundary setting and am getting far better at it.

A life lesson for me has been to not allow others to disrespect, disregard, take advantage, step on and abuse me. I have experienced all of the above, and I am still learning how to sidestep these types of people, address the disrespect, or walk away as necessary. I am getting far better at both addressing it and at walking away. I am proud of how far I've come, but I still have a ways to go.

Someone told me (a spiritual medium) that my most recent ex was here to teach me how to recognize treachery. He was very manipulative, and a pathological liar. Thankfully, I caught on before it was too late and I gave him the boot.

I still can get triggered by someone being disrespectful, but I am getting better at processing it, then dismissing it and letting it go without it ruining my day.

What I've also determined is that only miserable people spread misery and negativity. Happy, balanced and mentally healthy people do not do such things.

So whenever I come across someone now who is clearly just a miserable person spreading their negative energy and anger around, I realize that it's their own misery talking, I can feel some amount of compassion towards them even if they're being rude towards me, and I can dismiss them much more easily.

I am working on just being happy with who I am and where I am in life. And I pretty much am a very happy person, in many ways. So that makes me feel good.

I do have a ways to go still so that I don't get triggered by nasty people I encounter in life, but I am getting better at it and I'm proud of that.

Another spiritual medium told me that the life lesson for me is discernment. This means discernment of good from bad people. It makes sense to me since I’ve been given many lessons and opportunities in love, in terms of learning how to be more discerning. I didn’t do so great with my husband, but he’s now proving himself to be the man I want and need and the man I initially fell in love with.

Discernment extends to friends and acquaintances. I’ve been learning how to only include people in my circle who truly support me and want the best for me. Jealous people, negative and mentally unhealthy people I have no room for.

I used to adopt all the wounded birds. All that ever did was drag down my own energy level and enthusiasm for life. These types of people drained me. Not only that, but they used me too, to help keep themselves afloat. Well no more. I’m not allowing anyone anymore to take advantage of my kindheartedness, my compassion and my heart. I’ve been used far too many times by energy vampire people who are just takers. I’m done.

Discernment also applies to dealings in everyday life. I can choose to not engage with angry, rude, surly, negative and argumentative people. When I choose to not engage, I’m much more at peace.

And that’s all I want at the ripe age of 50- inner peace and positive energy people around me who love, support, encourage and appreciate me..

I’ve found a nice circle of new-ish friends who are just that: loving, kindhearted, and positive-minded without drama and without any bs. I love my circle of friends now.

I’ve kicked a few people to the curb over the years. Mainly energy vampires.

On Facebook, I’m only friends with people I know. And I’m going to keep it that way.

So discernment has been a very hard but valuable lesson. Because I was too open in the past, I allowed in many creeps and vampires. No more.

I also have found on certain social media sites like Facebook that certain people like to antagonize others, stirring up conflict and drama. I am now at a point in my life where I can laugh at it. I find it both amusing and very sad that people feel the need to do this. It's sheer negative energy, and I have no need for that in my life. Never did. But I used to take the bait, feed into the drama and allow myself to be antagonized. Now, I don't have any desire to engage or argue with such a person. I have no desire and no need. They can try all they want to anger me or someone else, but I have to laugh. As I said above, all I care about now is being at peace in my life, having harmonious connections and relations with people, being happy and being a positive energy and influence around other people. If some wish to be a negative energy force, that's their problem and choice. Some people live a negative life, dwell in a negative place mentally, and have to create negative interactions with others wherever they go in order to feel any amount of satisfaction or happiness. Negative people feed off of the negative energy that they create and actually get enjoyment out of it. So sad. But I can sidestep those people and skip along my merry way into the sunshine.

Another life lesson: ever notice how the weak like to try and take down the strong? And the unhappy people try to bring down the happy people to their level of misery? And the jealous people have to judge and criticize you? I have seen this over and over again in my life. Many people have tried to tear me down, in so many different ways and in various life situations.

The best part of it all is that I am still standing, stronger than ever, and am basically pretty happy. No one can tear me down, no matter how hard they may try. And I do feel very strong these days.

I guess I am talking to myself on this thread, lol. Maybe this will be more of a journal like thread.

So... life lessons. My list so far:

-Enforce strong boundaries. Weak boundaries allow disrespect
-Stand up for myself as needed
-Don't let rude, argumentative and antagonistic people bring me down, because that's their goal
-Be very careful of whom I allow into my inner circle and life
-Only keep those who are positive-minded, like-minded, encouraging, supportive and loving within my inner circle
-Avoid energy vampires and takers - they suck the life out of you
-Avoid all those who are negative energy - they suck the life out of you
-Recognize and pay attention to red flags
-Be myself, but be vigilant when it comes to other people
-Ignore the naysayers
-Believe in yourself and in your abilities to achieve great things
-Be loving, be kind

Thank you for the hope . . .very encouraging.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE.

Aw thanks! I appreciate your support and kind words. Glad this was inspiring for you! Hugs.

I was the family scapegoat. I refuse to put up with their garbage. Bullies are often unhappy and insecure. They like to put others down to make themselves powerful or in control. Often its not about you, its them. Deep or personal issues within.

I’m sorry for your painful experience being the scapegoat. Bullies are very insecure and unhappy. I’ve known several in my life. They’re the worst!! Hugs to you.

Maintaining boundaries and staying away from bullies or negative people is very wise

Agreed!

Another life lesson:



I've had a few "haters" in my life, especially in high school. Not so much as an adult, but when I was younger. But there are haters out there who love to judge, and my conclusion is they are just not happy with themselves, so they judge and criticize everyone else.

A life lesson on finding happiness:



I used to think the same way... that I would find happiness if I had a great boyfriend, a great job, or something else in life. I looked outside myself, rather than inside. When I looked inside is where the real work began. And then I found happiness, all on my own and without external influences or means.

My job is not perfect, my relationship is not perfect, and my life overall is not perfect, but I am generally happy because I am happy inside.

Another lesson: NEVER go to HR about ANYTHING. They are not to be trusted. They are for the company and not for the employees. Why does HR even exist, or employee relations for that matter??

I believe it ultimately exists to protect the company. It wasn’t meant to be that way but that’s the way it is.

Agreed! There's a whole front put on about helping and protecting employees too, but that's not the reality. They protect the company #1 .

Yes going to HR to complain is pointless, it’s not what they are for.

They are there to deal with hiring and payroll/ benefits, keeping records of employees, keeping track of your sick days and vacations and you go to them to request vacation, dealing with FMLA, keeping record of qualifications (remind staff when something is due for certificate renewal for example) and some other functions. Yes one of their functions is employee relations but I think it’s more like if you are being seriously discriminated. Even then I think it’s better to go to higher level management.

The thing is that HR isn’t above management so I’d never go to them to complain about management.

Yeah, I learned the hard way myself that HR is not your friend.

I used to be a far more negative person -- this is many many years ago - like 15 years ago. I was always positive-minded and forward thinking, but negative life circumstances dragged down my mental health and therefore, my ability to feel truly positive about life. I had some bad jobs back then that made life immensely difficult for me. I struggled financially. I struggled personally. I had a string of unstable romantic relationships. Life was unstable overall for me back then. Nothing seemed to be working well in my life, in all directions.

So I made a big change and moved across country. I had had enough. So I went on a grand adventure on the other side of the country for the next four years. And things started to shift within me during that time. I became far stronger, and I found myself again. I pursued a passion and professional interest of mine. It did not work out in the end, but I am glad I pursued it at the time. And I kind of grew up over this time period.

I returned back home with not much money and only a small part time consulting gig. I had to live with my parents for a while.

But I worked very hard at my career. I sweated it out to gain greater traction and momentum forward. I landed a full-time job, then less than a year later, I was able to double my salary, then three years later, I moved up again and increased my salary by 20K. I worked very hard at my career in order to learn, progress and move upwards.

All the while and over these years leading up to the present, something dramatic changed within me. I learned through ALL my travels, my adventures, my personal and professional endeavors that I just want to be -- and need to be --- surrounded by positive-minded and supportive people in my life - at all times.

I started weeding out those who were unhealthy and toxic for me. I let go of one friendship of seven years (about 5 years ago) because the friendship was one-sided and I was feeling far more negative than positive after almost every interaction with this person. And my life improved greatly after severing the friendship.

And now that I am nearing 50, I have realized that what is most important to me is to have positive, supportive and nurturing friendships and the same within my larger social circle.

I now have a social circle that is very loving and nurturing. I LOVE this group of people. I have never met more loving people in my entire life. I am SO thankful and grateful that I met this group. I always feel so amazingly good after every interaction with anyone from this circle.

And I realized a secret recipe for my true happiness is to always be surrounded by people that are positive and nurturing -- and to pursue those activities in life that are positive and nurturing.

Now my new challenge and task ahead is to learn how to extend that within the workplace.

Let me re-phrase --- I have very positive relationships with people at work, generally speaking.

However, I created a conflict with my former boss, by accident and quite naively without realizing what I was doing. And that caused problems for me. And as it turns out, my former boss could possibly be a narcissist. He has an enormous ego, he can do no wrong, and he doesn't own up to any mistakes. Instead, he passes the buck and throws people under the bus in order to get ahead. He's a sleaze bag in other words. There's no way around it. And I was not the only one he singled out. I had heard complaints from others about him.

But now, I want to learn how to get along in the workplace with difficult people and difficult personalities. I want harmony and peace in my life in all ways. I don't want to cause waves, but I also want to maintain strong boundaries and not allow work bullies with big egos to push me around. I want to be nice, but I also want to give off that vibe of "don't F with me!".

So I wonder how that is achieved? Is it confidence? Is it not coming across as such a people pleaser??? Is that what accomplishes it? Confidence and an inner strength that shows and comes across to others without having to say anything?

This is my new challenge and life lesson ahead. I still have a lot of personal and inner work to do.... it's never ending. This job of self improvement.

So now I want to learn how to give off the vibe of "don't F with me" at work. Since I am now unemployed, I have loads of time to figure it out so I can do better next time.

I think I may have found my answers:

6 Reasons Why People Are Bullied at Work

Targets Are Skilled Workers
You may be bullied at work because you receive a lot of positive attention for your work. Maybe you are intelligent, determined, creative, and regularly contribute new and innovative ideas. Or, maybe you go the extra mile and gain recognition for your hard work. Maybe you even move through projects quickly while others are struggling. All these things attract the attention of workplace bullies.

Workplace bullies target those that have talent because they either feel inferior or they worry that their work is being overshadowed by the other employee's work and abilities.

Bullying bosses, in particular, will target skilled workers and either steal the credit or undermine the target's work.

Targets Are Well-Liked or Popular
It is a myth that all victims of bullying are loners and outcasts with no friends or social connections. Often, it is the popular and well-liked workers that are most vulnerable to workplace bullying. If this describes you, bullies believe you pose a threat to their own popularity and social status at work.

Office mean girls, in particular, are likely to form cliques and target another woman who threatens their status or social standing. If you are well-liked at work, this could be the reason behind the attacks and jabs at you from the office bully.

Targets Are Good People
If you would describe yourself as caring, social and collaborative, this may be the reason that you are being bullied. To a workplace bully, these characteristics drain the power they have at work. Team building is the antithesis of what a bully wants. Bullies want to be in control and to call all the shots. So, you may be targeted by bullies because you are a team player.

This does not mean you should change your behavior. It simply gives you some insight into why you are being targeted. You also may be targeted for being ethical and honest. For instance, whistleblowers who expose fraudulent practices are frequently bullied by others at work to keep quiet.

Targets Are Non-Confrontational or Vulnerable
If you are introverted, anxious, or submissive, you are more likely to be bullied at work than those who are extroverted and assertive.

Research has shown that if adults work to build their self-esteem and assertiveness skills, they might diminish the likelihood that they will be targeted by workplace bullies.

There is also some evidence that depression and other stress-related conditions might attract the attention of bullies. If you are living with any of these conditions, it is important to get treatment. Talk to your healthcare provider about your symptoms. Depression, anxiety, and stress-related conditions should never be left untreated. What's more, bullying will just exacerbate your symptoms.

Article: 6 Reasons Why People Are Bullied at Work

All these reasons above are true for me.... I also happened to leak out to my former boss that I deal with anxiety - so I showed my vulnerability. And he also knows I deal with depression, because I'm sure HR told him so because HR is unprofessional.

So, I being non-confrontational and vulnerable also led to my being bullied at work by my boss AND by another former boss.

HaveHope, thank you for posting this information. Every thing you described makes sense. It took a life threatening event to change my view on life. I experienced a lot of trauma and felt negative, unhappy etc. After this life threatening event, I woke up one day and realized no more. I cut contact with family bullies, doctors treating me poorly etc. I gained weight and could not lose it. I figured it was intolerance to certain foods, cut back on sugar, and exercised. I dropped almost 50 pounds. I'm working on dealing with certain situations; fearful, anxious with doctors.
The life threatening event made me realize I have strength. People make insensitive remarks about the event; it use to hurt. I would literally experience a meltdown when I arrived home. My feelings have changed to how dare you, screw you, I did something right- I'm alive. My internal talk-I do not say it out loud to insensitive people.

Hugs to you. I'm proud of you! It takes strength to stand up for yourself and to stand up for what you believe and for what's right to you. So kudos to you! And it's awesome you realized how strong you really are.

I don’t know if you necessarily want to give a vibe “don’t f with me”. People don’t usually like coworkers with that attitude. Confidence is important in all aspects of life but I believe we can still be kind and loving at work

I think it’s important to help each other at work. We do all the time but I think it’s important to examine why. If we help because it’s for the common good and benefits everyone and it’s give and take responsibility or because we are in a mentorship role etc then it’s all good. If we help others because we don’t know how to say “no” or we want to be liked and are people pleasers then it’s a problem.

In my experience certain type of people are disliked and are considered problematic in work environment.

Complainers (we have one who threatened to file grievances at least once weekly and was in the office with complains weekly, it was always something).

Bad team players (wouldn’t consult with a team and wouldn’t cooperate and wouldn’t care about team spirit, undermined others and only cared about how they come across) .

Lazy and unwilling to learn (always ask 1000 questions because they aren’t willing to learn and just want others to answer and do their job, they also never go above and beyond).

The ones that don’t accept responsibility (don’t take criticism and nothing is ever their fault).

Drama queens or kings (create or perpetuate drama)