Therapist & Emotions

I can sympathise. I still shut off, when I'm having therapy. My therapist says "were you about to say something" I say "I was thinking about changing the subject", and he usually helps me get to the thing I am avoiding thinking about. It's a bit of a maze...so many things trigger different memories and feelings.
I would be honest about your physical pain as much as possible. The doctors should be aware of what hurts, where possible. I hope things do start feeling better for you.
Shiatsu was painful for me (I've gone once or twice a month for a year). The more I explained the pain, my practitioner was able to unlock my shoulders (it was a long process because I had been locked up since I was a child). Had a hip flexor injury that caused pain for ten + years and that's healed properly in the last year, also back pain...loads of pain really that I don't like to show/admit to either haha...Wouldn't want anyone knowing our weaknesses! Wouldn't have considered a massage before that, had only ever had a facial, then I trained to give massage last year, and it totally changed my life for the better. Haven't been able to do it since March, but...bla bla bla off topic.

Hope you get a break with this, somehow, anyway

Thank you! I don't think I'm even aware that I'm thinking of changing the subject, etc. Most of the time I feel like someone sitting on a raft in the middle of a giant ocean. Just sitting there, floating along, going where the currents take me. I'm not swimming in the ocean, but I know it's there... Sometimes a wave will splash me so I feel some of the water, but then it dries and I go back to just sitting there.
I'm glad massage has helped you so much! I identify with so much you said. I hate anyone knowing my weak spots as well. Massage says, 'Vulnerability!' to me. And it sounds terrifying. I have a hard time with handshakes at this point, haha!
Has the Covid been what stopped you from massaging? It's hurt so many people. I hope that it runs down so everyone can get back to their normal lives.

Yeah...I wasn't working much before Covid, but it felt like things would pick up eventually. It's been a hit. Was telling myself "just another bump in the road"..."roll with the punches"...then eventually anxiety started kicking in... everything got overly complex.
I feel really lucky to have two therapists that have stuck with me and proved to be patient and trustworthy. I'm still fairly self conscious, but less so.
Sorry if it's a tough question, but is there still any abuse in your life? Or anyone that's really pushing your buttons? OK if you don't want to say, or if you want to PM feel free

Not in my immediate circle, no. They're still out there, still trying to be abusive through other people, and occasionally some of the muck drips into my daily life. So I kind of always feel like there's another shoe to drop, 'is anything going to happen today?' kind of thing. Very much stressful, lol. Not sure why ppl like that don't get another hobby, lol.

It seems you therapist is basically trying to get to not to hold all those ill feelings in. That is very good, i only got over mums death once i started crying, it happened later. I still think about mother, but if i held in the feelings my emotions would of been affected to this very day. Let it all go.

I've done tons of crying though.

...and crying is TIRING
It should get better now that your situation has improved (I hope!), but be patient with yourself. It does sound like a good suggestion from your therapist, but also, if you feel pushed, let them know to go easy on you. I was pretty firm with my therapist that I wouldn't react well to being pushed haha...push myself enough, I think... though it's nice to have lazy days sometimes

I agree, a good therapist usually loves us being honest with them (and when we show our emotions especially tears, I have found...)

Therapist wasn't bothered at all, just said that it's good to try to trigger the emotions in private to try to build up tolerance so I don't get triggered as much in public.

I only have one session every 3 weeks or so, and by the next session, he doesn't seem to remember what we talked about last session - and it seems like we just kind of scrape at the surface. I'm learning to tolerate things so I don't have so much reaction.

I feel frustrated - like - I don't want to learn to tolerate my current level of depression, I want to fix it. I don't want to learn to tolerate the idea that I'm unloveable, I want to stop thinking I'm unloveable. Sometimes I think I am just a human-shaped skin-covered wound, like there's nothing to me BUT stuff that's broken, stuff that's trying to heal, stuff that's infected, etc.

And therapy feels very very much like a band-aid to me. I think I need surgery, and they give me a bandaid. LOL

I'm sure part of it is that I have a really hard time relating to other people - and with a therapist, it's more of the same. I have a constant back-of-my-mind flutter between 'is this person a threat? Ack, personal questions. Don't say that, they'll use it against you in the future. Be careful. But you have to share, it's their job to listen. But they're not your friend, they don't care about you. But they have to listen, it's their job. But they don't have to care, and they might not even be right about anything they're saying. Every therapist says something different. Why should this one be better. OK so I answered the question.. Why are they looking at me funny? They think I'm weird. They don't believe me.' etc etc.

I spend so much time trying to explain myself and qualify what I'm saying so they don't seem to think I'm weird, or because I don't think they understand what I'm saying, that there's really no time for anything else.