[indigo1015]

I’m feeling really depressed tonight. For one thing, it’s too ****ing warm for November. ****ing global warming. It should be colder than it is. I’m also realizing right now that when my mom dies, which won’t be for a long time (I hope) but will happen eventually, I will be all alone. I love my sister, but I don’t really talk to her much because we’re in different countries and we’re both so busy. My dad is a very difficult person to tolerate these days. I talk to my mom more than I talk to anyone else. I’m single, no kids, and I feel like I don’t have as many friends as I had previously thought. I’m done with pharmacy. DONE. Every day when I go into work, I have to fight the urge to walk out again. I took a class at a fine arts college this fall and got an A-. It was a really good course. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and really stretched me. I emailed the head of the illustration department on Friday asking what I would do to expedite my transition into illustration; no response yet but it is still the weekend. I feel really uncomfortable, like everything is coming to a head and is going to explode. The **** is going to hit the fan soon and I don’t know what will come of it. I’m near a breaking point— not in terms of safety, I have no desire to hurt or kill myself. But I just feel so much pent up tension right now… So much frustration, so much restlessness, so much despair. I feel like I’m reaching a turning point in my life… Something is going to happen soon that will rock my foundation. Hopefully i will be able to pick up the pieces from it.

On the plus side, I got a new tattoo yesterday and it ****ing rocks!!! It’s an armband tattoo around my right upper arm; hurt like a ***** when I was getting it done (especially on the skin of my inner arm), but it was SO WORTH IT. We just did the outline and the black parts, I’ll get the color done next month.

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[TheGal]

Hi indigo,

It sounds like you've got a lot going on.

What I'm picking up on is loss of control: fear for when your mom passes and also frustration with your job. Did I read that right? You work in a pharmacy.

I, too, am afraid for when my mom passes. I think I'll fall apart... maybe not survive. What would you suggest to someone like me to do to bolster myself up for when it does happen? I'm pretty isolated and it's my mom and me against the world type of thing... How do I stop obsessing about it? I am thinking of making a recipe book with all dishes and desserts that she makes... so I can make it after she passes. I cook, too, I might add...

As for your job... what is it you don't like?

It's wonderful, btw, that you have some positives in your life and you have them b/c you went out and did something: the art class, especially... plus the tattoo. That's all down to you, so that must make you feel good and more in control, plus more fulfilled. You need to go after things that make you feel like captain of your own ship!! You've already started to act on your own agency, if that makes sense...

[indigo1015]

Thank you for the input— yes I work in a pharmacy. It’s not bad work, but it’s not for me anymore… If it ever was to begin with. I got into it because I had just moved to a new city, the profession i had loved had dumped me like someone dumping garbage on the side of the road, and I needed to make a living somehow. I figured it would be job security— and it certainly was during the pandemic. But it’s worn me down and I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t feel i was meant to do it in the first place— I got into it strictly out of necessity. I had never thought about this being about a loss of control… That was an eye-opener for sure. I guess it is. Even though I know that we all die eventually, it’s still a tough pill to swallow. I like your idea of saving recipes.

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