feeling like i don't exist

Hey y'all. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to do with this post but anyways. I spend a lot of time convincing myself that things are fine and that I'm happy with my life and fine with the way things are like i'm meant to.

But i feel like my existence doesn't do anything, basically. and that makes me feel like maybe I don't really exist. like things aren't even real. it doesn't seem to matter if I stay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing or sometimes i think about what would happen if i just suddenly started screaming for people to listen to me. and every year on my birthday, people ask me what I want. by now, I know that there's no right answer. I'm wrong no matter what comes out of my mouth. and i honestly don't want anything anymore

It's almost like I can't remember past emotions clearly anymore and I can't figure out what I'm feeling now. Whatever this is started right after the time I quit performing, which was my passion before I went to college. I look in the mirror, and I have no idea who I'm looking at anymore and I don't want to. I'm sure that if my younger self knew what I ended up doing with my life, she'd cry.

Sometimes, I wake up and it's like the day is already over because I just feel empty. and i think when I try and put myself out there and make friends, (i have none at the moment) it's like people can tell that I'm empty. even if i try and fake feeling stuff like happiness or sadness. i wish that there was some sort of escape from it sometimes

Hi birdyblues......

You sound very sad and defeated. I hope you seek professional help and find your sense of worth.

You are a human being and deserve to live your life with happiness and dignity. Just the fact that you posted here in the first place is a great start in my opinion.

Take care and be well.

Hey birdy, it sounds like you're a very deep and introspective person and you probably live a lot inside your own head. That can be bad when you're left alone too much, but the wonderful thing is that people like you usually blossom and thrive when you find your purpose. You may need to talk to someone, or get on a mild anti-depressant for a short time just to get over this hump.

My suggestions would be to find ways to get out of your small world, maybe do some volunteer work. You said you enjoyed performing, so you might be able to find a place to do that...community theater/city orchestra whatever your specialty is. If you have time and don't need to earn a certain amount of money, you might look for a job just because it's interesting to you. Animal shelter, hospital/hospice, a store you like. Sometimes we get so used to our four walls, we forget that there's a whole world going on outside.

One final thought, sometimes being invisible means freedom. If no one is paying attention, sometimes it allows you to really live how you want. Do something just for you; go outside of your comfort zone; buy something you've always wanted, but would never buy; go to a place you'd never normally go. Just break the monotony.