How do you feel something that isn't pain?

I've tried being good for a few hours. I can't stand it. The void is consuming me

Its boring af. I guess it depends on your tolerance for chaos. I prefer boring. Im too old for chaos - thats probably why it eventually changes for a lot of people. We age out of chaos.

When???

I get so bored, lonely, and impatient. I've facebook stalked some of the people that I knew were going places and they're like married to their first partner and nurses or, well, most of them are nurses haha, but one's a photographer, one I used to run with is a chem tech, and one of the girls I caused madness with went to rehab, got clean, and is an addictions counselor now. I get they only post the good, but they at least have some good. I know I'm comparing myself to others which is not good, but I mean I just fked everything up whereas these guys are the ones calling the cops on me.

Idk. I ate cupcakes til i got here.

It ain't loooooooooove without the pain
of wanting to dieeeeeee when you're gone
It ain't livinggg without the hurt
that means you're feeling somethinggg

ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum-dum-dum

Hah yeah, it's an interesting one.

I think in your example quoted above Muddy, the idea of being good would probably be best left as a principle in the mind and not necessarily a magical cure for all mental ills or whatever. Good on you though, & battle on!

Honestly at this point I'm just cooking/cleaning for people, posting here, getting funky to some Herbie Hancock, and taking five seconds to ask myself if the healthy people in my life are going to get upset with me before making a decision.

One of the good IP BHWs I talked to told me to keep it boring. It sucks hahaha, but I do get something out of coffee and Buddy Guy.

Jazz is life. There was a trumpet player in my apartment building who i was soooooo in love with, but i think it was more the music.

Chet Baker is one of my faves. IIRC, he was pretty messed up.

The first person I slept with was a sax player.

A sax player is practicing at 3am. The neighbor knocks on the door and asks "Do you know what time it is???" The sax player responds "No, but if you whistle it, I can take a shot!"