[bananasarecool]

its getting worse.
i cant physically get into and stay in school any more.
my counsellors pulled me out of all my exams this summer.
im thinking about suicide on a daily basis - without even really wanting to - and ive already made up a plan of how in my head. i feel unable to trust myself. i cant control it any more.
ive cut out all of my school friends - just stopped talking to them completely.
they dont know. nor does my boyfriend. i dont know how to tell him.
this past week ive stopped being able to function properly.
im locking myself in my room. i feel too sick to eat... and when everyones out im purging water.
i feel disgusted with myself.

everything seems so hard.


i didnt get much sleep last night. i woke up at around three and just sat by my window till it was light.

i want it all to stop. my jealousy. the paranoia. it makes me feel sick.

ive never cared about anyone as much as i do him.
yet ive never worried more that they just dont.

i cant keep going.

[justfloating]

Oh dear, you're not in a good place right now are you? Here are some hugs for the time being:

Please try not to give up hope. Just because you're ill does not mean that you're hopeless. If you can't stop thinking about suicide, please, please talk to someone about it! Posting here is a good first step, but what about talking to your friends, your boyfriend, your family? If you're depressed, chances are they've noticed something different about you regardless of whether or not you've told them. If you can't talk to them, what about your local crisis hotline? I'm worried about you, please be safe. There is all kinds of help available to you, and you are not alone in this. I know it seems hard and stressful and exhausting and I won't lie -- it is all of those things -- but it's not impossible. You CAN feel better than you do right now. It's a long road but it's well worth it. YOU are worth it! Please take care of yourself, and keep us updated on how you're doing.

bananasarecool,

I'm sorry that you are struggling.
I feel your pain as I myself think about suicide constantly as well.
Life is hard but I hope you will be ok.

Originally Posted by bananasarecool

its getting worse.
i cant physically get into and stay in school any more.
my counsellors pulled me out of all my exams this summer.
im thinking about suicide on a daily basis - without even really wanting to - and ive already made up a plan of how in my head. i feel unable to trust myself. i cant control it any more.
ive cut out all of my school friends - just stopped talking to them completely.
they dont know. nor does my boyfriend. i dont know how to tell him.
this past week ive stopped being able to function properly.
im locking myself in my room. i feel too sick to eat... and when everyones out im purging water.
i feel disgusted with myself.

everything seems so hard.

i didnt get much sleep last night. i woke up at around three and just sat by my window till it was light.

i want it all to stop. my jealousy. the paranoia. it makes me feel sick.

ive never cared about anyone as much as i do him.
yet ive never worried more that they just dont.

i cant keep going.

[turquoisesea]

[yutzman]

'Plans' are not good (we all know what I mean)....that's the next step, AND DON"T TAKE IT......I'm breaking the rules by refering to this in your post, but since you mentioned it, it must be addressed. You should seek councelling on this issue as soon as possible. This is an emergency you should be aware of before it's too late...
Please post back, I want to help you.....I feel we all do....

[bananasarecool]

thanks guys.
i avoided seeing my counsellor last week but ive got another appointment for thursday and im determined to go in and talk to her. and i know every time i try and cant do it it knocks me down but i cant let it destroy my life any more.

my best friend - one of the last i havent pushed away, a girl that didnt go to my secondary school but ive known for around 8 years now - started hassling me again today. aside from my close family, the centre im being counsilled in and a few teachers at school ive made a point of not letting anyone know about my depression. meaning not my friends or boyfriend.
she wanted me to meet up with her today - i havent really felt able to leave the house in a while, and have avoided sociallising completely recently.
today i couldnt get out of that door. i felt sick. i felt tired. i just wanted to break down and cry - which i did, in my room, again. i texted her immediately saying i couldnt meet today and when she asked why i just said i wasnt in the mood to.
she said "well you're never in the mood anymore and youre never going to be in the mood. you need to get outside once in a while, you cant just lock yourself inside your room all day, it just sounds wasted. (english slang for sad, looserish, etc.)
i said id im her later.
later, i avoided iming her but felt i had to... to be honest the main reason ive kept this relationship going is the guilt of feeling as if id let her down and what happened with her brother - another thing i do need to talk to my counsellor about. shes unaware of this too.
my boyfriend was in the conversation - she'd added him and he asked me if i was ok. something which my so called "best friend" hasnt ever really asked.
and i just said a lot of stuff like "i cant take this any more, im sick of feeling like this, sick of thinking like this and sick of people like her that i know wont care or they wont understand.
i threw myself on my bed and cried and cried for the best part of an hour. he texted me asking if i was ok and i just said yup, i mustve overreacted, sorry.
all my "best friend" did was tell me and my boyfriend that i was being overdramatic.

i feel like..
depression has now torn apart my academic life, the future i once thought i could have. its all just so dark, so unfriendly, so scary and yet so empty.
its torn apart my "friendships"
its torn apart my family,
its made me loathe everything. especially myself.
and now i cant trust myself.
ive made a point of not harming - i never did do it that regularly but ive found the willpower to not cut or burn or purge - but yesterday when i couldnt sleep i just pinged an elastic band against my wrist again and again for hours, which has now left a mark, and once again, one that i feel ashamed of. its something i did when i was trying to lose weight - i fasted a few times and it was my way of stopping thinking about food. again, something i know i should talk to my counsellor about.

so im trying to keep busy, im trying to keep going... i just feel weak. tired. and i just want it to stop. my gp has told me that antidepressants may be an option but i dismissed them instantly... i feel as though my sense of reality is already weak and i want to be able to control whats left.
i haven't had any appetite for the past few days - food has become a complete chore and i find myself eating to please my family. sleeps become harder to get and then harder to hold onto - ive been awake since four am.
again... i dont know what im supposed to do.

and if i broke any rules with this post, i am sorry. i just feel like i need to let out these feelings somehow and tbh i feel like this is the least damaging way possible to me at the moment.

x

[justfloating]

I'm sorry you feel so awful right now. I know how debilitating depression can be. I do hope you get in to see your counsellor and I hope from there you can get the help you need. I did want to suggest maybe not dismissing antidepressants completely. I'm not sure how much they skew reality as restore it, or that's the effect they had for me. They really make my depression a lot more manageable than taking it away completely, by giving me the perspective and energy I need to fight it off. Maybe talking to your GP about the different kinds of meds available and what the possible side-effects could be might make you feel a little differently? I don't think that antidepressants work for everyone and they almost always require adjustments before they kick in, and I don't mean to push them on you, but you sound like you're in a really bad place right now and they might give you just enough of a boost to get some really strong results from any other treatment like therapy that you choose to pursue.

Do what you have to to take care of you, and leep us posted on how you're doing. I care and I know a lot of other people here do too.

[Fuzzybear]

[yutzman]

OK, bananas, you posted, instead of....
We care here at PC....I'm not too stable right now but....I care!..

[Country soldier]

Omg girl! You gotta talk to somebody PLEASE!! What could be SO bad? Think of all the people it would hurt

Originally Posted by bananasarecool

its getting worse.
i cant physically get into and stay in school any more.
my counsellors pulled me out of all my exams this summer.
im thinking about suicide on a daily basis - without even really wanting to - and ive already made up a plan of how in my head. i feel unable to trust myself. i cant control it any more.
ive cut out all of my school friends - just stopped talking to them completely.
they dont know. nor does my boyfriend. i dont know how to tell him.
this past week ive stopped being able to function properly.
im locking myself in my room. i feel too sick to eat... and when everyones out im purging water.
i feel disgusted with myself.

everything seems so hard.

i didnt get much sleep last night. i woke up at around three and just sat by my window till it was light.

i want it all to stop. my jealousy. the paranoia. it makes me feel sick.

ive never cared about anyone as much as i do him.
yet ive never worried more that they just dont.

i cant keep going.