[Berries]

From the minute I wake up and get out of bed, i can't wait until i can get back in and sleep. it doesn't even matter that i have nightmares. i just want to sleep.

So, i overmedicate on my antipsychotic.

I tell my T and my pdoc and they say don't do it. But i do it anyway.

I just want stillness and rest sooooooooo bad. And it is the only way to get it.

I feel like a damned soul for being so bad and Overmedicating and sleeping so much.

[Miracle1986]

(((Berries)))

[wind]

I'm sad to read what you wrote. Do you live alone? Is there anyone in your life that tries to understand what it's like to be you?

I don't know why depression strikes people and causes them to be in such pain that it seems unbearable.

Please know your post touched a place in me.

[justfloating]

(((((((Berries))))))))

You're not a damned soul or being bad by overmedicating. You're looking for relief. I get that, I've been there, and doing what you can to ensure that relief, even when it's not necessarily healthy, is completely understandable.

That being said (and I know you've probably heard this a million times, so please don't take this as me badgering you or trying to make you feel worse about what you're doing) it is very, VERY dangerous to overmedicate. You can cause yourself serious health problems, you can overdose, you can damage yourself even worse than your illness damages you now. I KNOW you want that relief and I know that you probably know all these things already; I also know that telling someone who is depressed to do something good for themselves even when they don't feel like it is akin to asking them to flap their arms and fly. But is this really what you want? To be forced to overmedicate -- which may only be aggravating your condition, as far as you know -- or finding some other way of coping?

Do you live with anybody else? Is there someone you can get to hold onto your meds for you and only give you your appropriate dosage every day? If not, I'm glad you've spoken to your doctor and your T about this, but maybe it's worth bringing up again, and stressing that you know it's bad for you but you're continuing to overmedicate and simply having someone tell you not to is not working. Maybe they can come up with some alternative coping strategies for you.

I know you're in a lot of pain right now, but you can get through this. Sending lots of hugs in the meantime. Take care of you, you're a good, caring person and you deserve to be well.

[Rohag]

Berries, I'm so sorry you're feeling you're “bad.” A longtime observation is that truly bad people rarely feel so about themselves, and many whose failings – real or imagined – pale in comparison to those of the truly bad so often berate themselves unmercifully.

Recently, an elderly fellow was deported from the US to Germany “where he is accused of being an accessory in the murder of 29,000 Jews while working as a guard at the Sobibor death camp in eastern Poland.” If guilty, I would then describe him as “bad” and a “damned soul.” In my opinion, “over-medicating” just isn't in the same league...

But, those thoughts are coming out of my head and not from my heart. Sometimes I feel myself the worst of the worst, and those feelings don't respond to reason.

May your times of intense self-condemnation be fleeting. May real, caring souls be there for you, and for all of us.