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#1
May 23, 2009, 08:13 AM
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As a child I was always told to sit down sh** up
do not be disrespectful use your manners etc etc etc Nothing I did was ever good enough no matter how hard I tried I was kicked punched stoned locked in a room full of those creepy crawly things that shall remain nameless Eventually i left home and moved out into the world having learnt a very hard lesson of how cruel life is I learnt how to pretend to make the world think its cool Im ok I even told people that I had the best family pffff. Soon I met my partner eventually we moved in together that was 22 yrs ago and for most of that time I kept up the pretense that I was A Ok Joe. He never knew anything at least that is what he says We have two kids our son who is 18 and our daughter who is 16 I often wonder what damage have I done to these kids I have not ever hurt them physically but what about their emotional health I know my daughter has issues lots of them and not little either but is this my doing or was it going to be no matter what or who her parents were.? What do I do do I wait for her major fall well yes it seems that this is exactly what I have to do as the hospital says she is fine nothing out of the ordinary. I guess if she is "acting" normally when they see her then there really is nothing they can do. meanwhile my son who has aspergers syndrome is playing copy the sister I find it amusing sort of because he just cannot pull it off as his father says he loves me to much I know this because I see it in his eyes My last therapy appointment I finally let the flood gates open well and truely and spent the whole time crying like a baby did it feel good did it help no not really and it seems that this is all I want to do lately but the silly part is I cannot cry at home because I will be told... A) stop being a drama queen B) stop acting like a baby and so on and the cat will simply lick my face I always thought that when you got to a certain age and left home that you had the right to be treated better like a grown up so why is it that I still feel like a broken child no mummy no daddy just a nobody is this my fault is it my pasts fault or is it just the way it will always be see I am never going to be this mature grown person like everyone wants me to be I can't I need to be me if I am not true to me then how can I be true to anyone else do I love me no I do not but I do not always hate me just the things that I do and or say at times my anger can get out of control I know this but usually it is a defense thing bite first ask later or something like that. I have therapy on Monday and I have a feeling it is going to be another crying session,think my therapist wants to talk about the "deep stuff" Sorry I just realised that I am raving on again
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 "Look at me, I'm a tangled puppet--I might be a mess, but I sure can survive." --4 Non Blondes "We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay." --Lynda Barry "Years Teach Us More Then Books" |
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#2
May 23, 2009, 09:46 AM
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((((((((((starrina)))))))))))
It is ok to ''rave'' here. RAVE and RANT and VENT and CRY...whatever. We are here to listen. I hope you find peace someday. A good place to start is breathing. Deep from the belly slow breaths, in and out in and out. Especially when you feel the desire to "bite first." Good luck in thearapy and good for you for trying so hard. We all care here 
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I love your faults because they are part of you and I love you. --my BFF [center][b][color=#92d050][font=Verdana] |
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#3
May 23, 2009, 09:47 AM
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What a wonderful rant! You've had all this pain and anger bottled up inside and now it's coming out. And it needs to.
This is a safe place to do it, in therapy should be a safe place also. Nobody here will tell you to be quiet. You have every reason to feel pain and anger. At first it might not feel like it's helping but getting all of that out can lead to some healing. Stuffing it hasn't worked all that well. So go for it. I didn't share my pain until I was 38 years old. It was a slow and painful time of digging into the old wounds but now I'm 60 and it was so worth it. I have peace and no more masks! Rave all you want!
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However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face that scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole. |
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#4
May 23, 2009, 10:12 AM
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((((((((starrina)))))))))
Rant, rave, scream, cry, do whatever you need to to get those feelings and memories and thoughts and fears OUT. This is the perfect place to do it, and no one here will tell you you're being a drama queen. Your issues are valid, and it's perfectly understandable that you're so upset by everything that's going on right now. Know that we care.
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Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
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#5
May 23, 2009, 02:22 PM
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You are definitely asking all the right questions, which is a very favorable thing to begin the healing.
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