[justfloating]

I need to get out, get away, be still and quiet and have space to breathe. Too bad I live with the most overwhelming family on the face of the earth.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to go without having a complete breakdown. I'm scared and I feel trapped.

[daggy]

(( Rebecca)))

I could only offer a hug
all we can do is take a big deep breath and get back into living . And our families all fight for #1 position as the worst in the world sometimes .

[JayS]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I need to get out, get away, be still and quiet and have space to breathe. Too bad I live with the most overwhelming family on the face of the earth.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to go without having a complete breakdown. I'm scared and I feel trapped.

((((( Rebecca)))))

Can you stay at a friend or family members place for a while till you fell better?

[idontknow13]

((((((justfloating)))))

[justfloating]

I can't leave. If I go into the city where my friends and family live, that'll put me an hour's drive away from work (ie, double the time it takes now), without a vehicle (I don't have my own so I drive my parents' car to the village where I work). They also wouldn't let me leave. I am too valuable as a babysitter/chauffeur/cleaner/homework helper and even though I'm legally an adult, my parents still have almost total control over my life. I'm just not in a situation where I can change that right now. I have more independence when I'm at school because I'm an ocean away, but when I come home I'm pretty much at their beck and call 24/7. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I do is good enough. Whenever I want to do anything for myself -- even if it doesn't actually inconvenience them -- I get anything from an annoyed sigh to a lecture. I love my parents, I really do, but living with them gets harder and harder every day (not to mention I have 3 younger siblings who drive me insane). We're going to get along much better when I'm not dependent on or living with them, but for now I am so there's not a whole lot I can do.

The other thing I'm having trouble adjusting to is sharing space with five other people. It's almost impossible to isolate myself like this, and with my depression if I can't be on my own for a while, it gets worse and worse until eventually I just crash. I need that space, that breathing room. Today at work I managed to spend six hours working entirely by myself and it was the most peace I've had since I got home from school. At school I live in a building with 500 other people, but at least I have a room that is solely mine, that hardly anyone else ever sets foot in -- at home I have my own room, but they will barge in no matter what I'm doing, no matter what time it is, and expect me to drop everything for them. I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE.

[tarabug922]

Rebecca,

It sounds like there's alot going on for you and you know how to vocalize what it is you need, time alone. Can you maybe vocalize that clearly to your family? Maybe have a sign on your door when you don't want to be disturbed? I would hope that would work but with a family that competes for the 'worst' title I doubt it. Try and come up with some creative ways to be alone. You can always be alone in a bathroom, that's totally normal and okay. So maybe take a long bath or shower, that may help.

I know it's not much but I hope it's helped in some small way.

Love and Hugs,
Tara
P.S. You're quote seems appropriate. "If you're going through hell, keep going..."

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry I didn't see this yesterday - barely logged in.

I want you to know, I think I know exactly how you feel. I'm in a very similar situation right now, except my family is slightly smaller.

I too need breathing space desperately. And ways to get out. These things are hard to find at home. I'm sleeping in the same room as my sister so even crying is not an option. And even if I"m allowed to sleep in the so called "guest room" - they can barge in at any time too (and they do this often).

First I want to remind you that it's not forever. You'll be leaving at the end of the summer. that seems so far away but at LEAST there's that.

There are also other ways of getting away, I think we both have to be creative. I think it's good that you have a job. I have found that going outside or into an unused car *to keep the sound in if needed* can provide some *alone time*... not the best but at least it's there. You can bring a book or a phone or whateve ryou can think of.

Is there anywhere to walk nearby?

As I type this I kinda feel a bit hypocritical because of course, these things take effort and lots of the time I've had the options but haven't taken them enough. But, it's worth trying to do.

Is there anyplace a block or two or even a few more away that you can go to for some alone time? Going for a walk (you can say you need the exercise and can't bring anyone because you need to pace yourself alone, if it comes up), or finding a place near home to walk TO and go there.

thinking of you and sending many hugs

[Berries]

((((((((((((justfloating))))))))))))

it sounds like you feel trapped & smothered. i know those feelings well and it BITES!

But like Turq said, hold on to the fact that at the end of the summer you can leave there!!!!

Hang in there and keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Sending some hugs (hope they help a little)

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))))

[justfloating]

I know it's not going to last forever, and that makes me sad. Because when the summer is over I have to go back to Scotland to a different kind of stress, away from my friends (I'm not particularly close to anyone there) and overloaded with work that's got to be done just because it's a stepping stone to what I really want to do. Not to mention no matter how much I love Scotland and feel comfortable there, it's not my country. In the end I'm always going to want to come back to Canada no matter where I am.

So is this it? I'm just going to be unhappy no matter where I am? Smothered at home, cut off at school, always feeling so lost and alone?

The other thing is that we live in the country. I could walk for hours and not come across any civilization. Which is a good thing some days, but when I need to escape it can be horrible because I never get anywhere. The nearest coffee place (somehow my most relaxing environment) is a twenty minute drive away. And my parents throw a fit every time I get in the car (even though we have one per driver in my family and even though I pay for my own gas). The other night I came home from hanging out with some friends, got in a fight with my brother and went back into town after dinner because I couldn't stand being in the house any more -- I'm pretty sure my mom was ready to blow a gasket because I'd made (gasp!) two trips into town in one day. I don't know why but they make me feel selfish whenever I do anything for myself, even when I NEED to do things for myself. I understand that their lives aren't perfect and that being part of a large family comes with it's stresses, but I'm also an adult and I not only have my own life to live, but I am also mentally ill and simply can't handle a lot of the things I used to before I became depressed. Just because I'm doing better doesn't matter that I'm not going to slip every so often, but when I try to explain that to them it's like they think I'm just not trying hard enough or I'm being melodramatic or something.

Agh. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything is good -- my parents are good people, my siblings aren't any more difficult than your average 7-16 year-olds, i'm at an excellent school, i've got great friends, i'm home with my dogs who i've missed ALL YEAR, i've got a job so i've got my own money coming in ... -- I just don't feel right. I shouldn't complain but I also don't know how much more of any of this i'm going to be able to stand.

[depressedalaskan]

First of all I would like to say that you are an awesome writer. You really can get your thoughts in print - sorry what you have to write about is so sad for you.

Getting away from it all sounds like your biggest problem. From what you have written you live in the country. Think about taking a long nature walk - look at the flowers, birds, clouds, stars, sunset or what ever is near you. Try to enjoy nature it is peaceful and free.

Hope you feel better soon.

[daggy]

((rebecca))
You know eventually something has to give in these situations and the only thing you can do is make sure that the aftermath is gentle and although someone is going to get hurt may the outcome be delicate for you .
In other words hang in there because one day things will be much better and with love from everyone you will be in one piece emotionally and physically for when you think nobody is thinking of you for when you need it

[turquoisesea]

I think if you have a car to drive and are paying for your own gas, this might be one thing you might want to stand up to your parents about. You need these things even if they don't understand.

[Berries]

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

I don't have a lot of advice to give. Just support in the fact that I know what if feels like to be trapped. It sucks.

Maybe if you had a goal to work towards? Something you could hang on to and think about when it gets really rough.

I am so sorry you have to go thru this