[Gabla]

Hello, I am new to this forum.

I have suffered from chronic, treatment-resistant depression for over 25 years (I am 42, female, never married, childless). I'm fortunate in that I am able to maintain a public mask and function at a decent job. But, after working late (of course never really wanting to go home and deal with myself) and over the weekends, I confine myself to a very sad and pathetic and asocial existence. I have no social life and no love life and am distant from all family members.

I distinctly remember at the age of 26, one of my siblings was having a child and I made a deliberate internal promise to myself to never develop close relationships with any of my nieces and nephews (and for that matter, my sisters and brothers).

Why? Well I figured it would be horrible to foster a relationships with my n&ns - it wouldnt healthy for them. I'm certainly not a role model, and didn't want them to form any bond with me mainly because I didn't want them to feel sadness (or for myself to feel more guilt) IF, in the future. I did decide to permanently get rid myself.

You see, at the age of 23 I did develop a very detailed suicide plan but never acted on it (and FYI - I'm NOT presently thinking of it either). One of the things that stopped me from carrying anything out at that time was the (crazy but true) comforting thought that although at that moment I was in so much pain, maybe it would get better, that I could try - And, knowing that if my world and my life remained as it was (a life filled with such pain, self hate, feeling/seeing life just passing me by), that my plan would still be viable and I could carry it out (knowing that I had tried, and that no work on my part, including various therapies/medication cocktails could help).

I'm just curious if anybody else has done something like this -- purposefully not developing relationships because you may want an "out" at a later time and don't want to get to close to anyone- don't want to hurt them.

Thanks for reading.

[ExiExi]

Originally Posted by Gabla

I'm just curious if anybody else has done something like this -- purposefully not developing relationships because you may want an "out" at a later time and don't want to get to close to anyone- don't want to hurt them.

Hi, Gabla. Welcome
I'm sorry you are going through all this.

I do understand.
Purposely avoiding close relationships is exactly what I am doing. Don't want anyone to suffer with or for me.. whichever is more appropriate.
Besides, people usually want to have fun and feel happy in their relationships. Grumpy and sad thing to take care of is the best I can offer.

Although I'm wrong about the whole thing.. If they love you - they will do anything to make you feel good.. still I don't think I can fall in love. Even if I do.. something goes wrong. And then what? Instinct of self preservation at its best.. So I just hide or shy away from affairs

Sorry for my English

[gimmeice]

Hello Gabla, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central.
I am sorry that you are going through this, I wish I had some advice but all I can offer is ehugs
If you have any questions feel free to private message me or any community liaison or moderator, here is a link to a list of forum leaders.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showgroups.php

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Gabla))))

Hi and welcome to PC. I am glad you are here and I am sorry you are feeling so alone and sad. But I do understand. I was married for 18 years but did not feel loved. And I could not make any close relationships as I felt guilty for all I was feeling. I shyed away from people and hid. A lot happened and I blamed myself.

I too had a plan and wanted and tried at one point to do it. But knowing I would hurt others made me feel worse. I felt no one cared or would even notice if I were gone. But also at the same time--I felt guilty and afraid I would hurt someone and I do not want to hurt anyone.

Now, I still sometimes think the world would be better off if I was not here, but at the same time do not want to bring hurt on anyone. I have started reaching out more and thanks to a very special person who reached out to me first and accepted me and believed me for the first time--I found a little hope that is building slowly.

It has taken two years but it still comes and goes--but there is a little more glimmer of light than ever before. I know coming here has helped more than I can tell you. The love and support from PC is one thing that has kept me hanging on. I know that I can come here and express what ever I feel and it is okay.

I used to think if no one knew than I could do what I needed to do and it would not hurt anyone. But it will hurt--you. I do hope you find all the support you need here and will keep posting and let us know how you feel. Know you are not alone and that we are listening and do care.

dps