[bananasarecool]

the headache that never ever goes away,

the days rolling into each other, dragging on and the boredom not having much of an effect after a while because you cant remember when you last werent bored,

the feeling of nothingness and yet total sadness and being alone... the numbness and the pain....

the lack of ability to care and the not being able to stop caring about why im here, why im going, not wanting to do anything at all other than be alone.

the thoughts that say i should cease to live yet reason and everyone around me telling me to live... and yet i cant understand why but i have to.

the hopelessness, the incapability to sleep properly and ever wake up feeling anything other than tired, everything being unappealing... the appetite that you want, because you constantly feel so sick but so hungry. the incapability to concentrate, remember, focus, get on with my life.

the feeling of being pathetic, totally useless, totally worthless - and guilt, the constant guilt for utterly everything you do - including being depressed.

the people around you getting hurt, getting dragged down, and you know that its all of your fault and maybe if you didnt exist life would be so much easier for everyone. the shame of being depressed and the incapability to cope in situations that most can cope in.

the knowing what i should be feeling yet not feeling it; being hugged and feeling nothing, doing something "good" and feeling nothing, just being so alone...

the stuckness.

the defeat.


i am;

... i cant even remember any more.
i used to be of "above average" intelligence, or so i was told... then my grades slipped down and down and down...
i used to be awake, i think... i used to feel alive....

but i dont know what i am any more...
maybe im just.... overtaken by depression? it seems that that is all that my "life" is nowerdays.

i cant understand what people mean when they say that exercise is a natural antidepressant... i just feel even tireder, more defeated.

my counsellor has the flu and has had it for the past week... so i havent seen her in a while and i most probably wont see her for another week at least.

i need to rant, to vent, to talk to somebody about how i am.

i'm supposed to talk to someone at the centre about school next year... i feel like the stress of that would make life completely unbearable and that i would eventually - and probably quite quickly - do something "stupid".. because i know that i cant cope with that. hell, i am literally struggling to get through each day as it is... and yet if i tell anyone how i feel they will definitely percieve it as being laziness, like every other teenager. school is a straw that would definitely braek the camels back;

99% of the time, everyone that knows forgets that im depressed. yes, i know that i cant be wrapped up in cotton wool and i shouldnt be getting special treatment but even i can understand that im not like most teenagers. i have come so close to doing "something stupid" before... and its terrifying. and i simply cant cope like others can.

thats another thing... i just turned 16... and i couldnt get why its a big deal. just another day. i felt guilty for getting presents and pretending to be pleased and excited and all.... because inside i just wanted it to be over, i didnt want a birthday.

Been thinking a lot about attractiveness, about guys, about love... i am nowhere near the ideal. my "body shape" is an inverted triangle, the most masculine. screwed there.
weight is important - weight myself today, 10st 3. havent got the motivation for a diet and im not eating or exercising much... the latter probably isnt helping.
a beautiful face, nice boobs and a nice butt.
oh feck i'm screwed.

a thing thats supposed to help with confidence is to find your good points and focus on them.... i REALLY havent got ANY. thats not me being a melodramatic teenager - my reflection literally makes me want to cry. i am uglier than anyone i have ever seen. i shun mirrors..
so im basically worth jack all to my boyfriend because, lets face it, physical attraction seems to be the only thing guys care about.

[depressedalaskan]

(((((bananasarecool)))))

depression is torture.
eaten me alive.

i hope you can cope better as you grow up. eventhough i still cant, but we all in here always wish the best thing for everybody

[googley]

[Rohag]

Personal Opinion: Intelligence and Grades are two different things. Depression may make it difficult or impossible to display your intelligence through obtaining high grades, but it rarely diminishes your true, essential intelligence.

The grades one earns in school are but symbolic achievements. Their value is in spurring one to efforts and habits that eventually will shape one into "a productive member of society". Unfortunately, for some, grades/marks can become a drug delivering diminishing returns, or a carrot to pursue - and in the end we may find that we've been strenuously pulling a cart full of others' dreams and not our own.

Consider this for a moment: insofar as your depression interferes with your "success" as a student, it may force you to find passions and talents truly your own. If you find them, you may end up creating real happiness for others and yourself far beyond what you would have following a more conventional path.

The very best to you!

[bananasarecool]

thanks, everyone,
and i meant like... academic intelligence, im not really a particularly smart person in other respects :/
and i totally agree with you, but school - especially maths - was something that i could DO and be proud of, before this.
depression has stolen my passions, my aspirations... i cant care about anything any more, and that hurts. my life is just utterly empty and nothing matters, i cant remember anything mattering any more. just... guilt. just pain. just numbness. thats all my life really is now.
on the "something stupid" part, ive got more things that i think need to be "put away". its humilliating, demeaning, painful to admit, but i know that i probably have to. maybe if theres nothing else that can hurt me, i wont keep trying to find ways to.
thanks guys,
x

[turquoisesea]

I just wanted to respond to one thing in your original post

. i am uglier than anyone i have ever seen. i shun mirrors..
so im basically worth jack all to my boyfriend because, lets face it, physical attraction seems to be the only thing guys care about.

First off, physical attraction may be the only thing LOTS of guys care about, especially at your age, but it's not the ONLY thing they care about. And some guys will care TONS more about other thing than physical attraction. From what you've said before, your boyfriend is being pretty acceptant of your depression and general situation, and he does seem to really care about you - so I don't know how that would fit in with you being "worth jack" to him It sounds like he sees something in you that you can't see right now.

And as far as being uglier than anyone you have ever seen.... well I dunno about that. Remember that depression lies to us. Now, I haven't seen a picture so I have no idea what you really look like but I seriously doubt you are the ugliest I've ever seen. And as far as weight,... I didn't quite catch what you weight /height is but they are just numbers and it's easy to look just at that.

Sending hugs

[bananasarecool]

thanks :] yeah.. i guess its like... hard to see otherwise. and its kinda annoying, i really do wish i could just fastforward a few years, if i get better and get older and stuff, life would probably be... easier? as for weight, im now about 141 and 5'7/8, so my bmis in the healthy range. i dont really have the energy to diet though, but ive suddenly started hating stuff like toast and pasta and tea... all food just seems... bleugh.

my parents keep coming out with stuff like "stop feeling sorry for yourself", "you're so hard to please", "pull your socks up", "you dont do enough", "put more effort in, dont be lazy."

i really want to see my t... i dont normally vent much to her but i need to talk to someone properly that understands. well ideally i would be alone forever and not have to deal with anyone, but i dont see that happening or really being particularly practical.

my periods've gone waay off... im about two months late again -.- and yet im not allowed the pill to regulate them "because of my depression".
had about three hours' sleep last night, i feel... kinda ashamed of that. i didnt go to bed at a rediculous hour but i just lay awake for ages ;/ ive got another cold too, so i feel like utter crap. exercised a lot today, it doesnt make me feel any happier, just even more tired. but i guess sometimes thats kinda good because when you're that exhausted you dont tend to care about those "thoughts" so much... cutting out caffene entirely now too. it makes me... literally crippled, after the energy boost wears off.
i feel like the numbers lie to me because i really just am... gross. i have stretchmarks for the first time in my life on my thighs, and im really just one big blob. attractive -.-.

thanks "turquoisesea",
x