Here's my story.. I need help right now..

Ok.. I haven't told you guys much about myself, so I will start. It is a long story and I am in tears right now.

First of all, I am 18 years old. I just graduated from my High School in June. I graduated without my Mother being there.. Why? She decided to walk out on my siblings and I when I was only 15. I lived with my two Grandparents and my Aunt for a while, and then when my Grandpa and I got into it one time (I didn't touch him, but he shoved me once) I moved back into my Step Dad's house.

The story behind my Step Dad... He was in my life since I was four, and for a while was quite a good Dad to me. My real Dad didn't come into my life until I was twelve, when he was found by the Government for not paying Child Support, so I really loved my Step Dad. Well, when I was younger he abused my mentally. It turned into physical abuse. For a couple of years, he would shove me, push me, hit me, leave bruises on me, and just get really violent. I was lucky it wasn't worse. My Mom at the time was a good Mother, and my Grandma is the one who saved me. She told him that if he did not stop, she would call the Cops. He was a Coke addict at the time and we didn't know about it, but he finally stopped. The physical abuse I took for so long turned back into mental abuse. That continued the rest of my life.

I had no childhood. I had to grow up way too fast. My Mother began to go crazy. She would go to her room, turn off the lights, take pills, and blare music while I had to watch my two siblings who always fought. My Step Dad would be at work, and of course he would come home screaming at me and telling me how horrible I was and how the house was never clean when he got home. He expected me to respect him, but I don't respect anyone who doesn't respect me, so I would talk back to him a lot. I felt defensive, because I had to be. My life sucked. My whole family hated me. My Mom and Step Dad got addicted to games on the Internet, so they always did that and wouldn't even talk to my siblings and I. Any time I would tell them "we aren't a family", they would all jump on my back, even my two siblings. I felt so alone. Plus, at the time I didn't respect myself very much and I had no self-esteem. I was also a bit over-weight, which I lost later but we will get to that in a minute.

So my Mom met a guy online from Seattle. We live in Texas. One night my Grandma told me all about it, because I had no clue. When that happened, my Mom knew I was at her house and she threw me against the wall and yelled at me. She was so close I could feel her breath against my face. I ran out to my Grandma's (who lives on our street) and my Mom followed me screaming at me saying that I was the one who pushed her. I didn't, I ran past her to get away. I did not put my hands on her.

After that incident I stayed the night at my Grandma's. Less than a week later, I was living with my Grandma. A few months later, my Mom walked out on my Step Dad and my Siblings and moved in with the guy from Seattle. I have not seen her since, and have only talked to her on the phone three times since then. That was over three years ago.

My life at my Grandparent's was better than at my Parent's. They loved me, but there were issues.. I don't want to go in to those right now though, I am going to get into the love of my life. A year ago, I met the girl of my dreams. A girl that I thought was just so amazing. She meant everything to me. She had the perfect personality. She was beautiful, smart, had the perfect personality, and was just everything I ever wanted. For a while, things between us were amazing. She had very low self-esteem, and so did I. However, I was gaining confidence at the time.

Unfortunately, she lowered my confidence throughout our relationship and I raised her's. I raised her's so much that she ended up trying to find someone else. She found someone who I believe rejected her, but she still talks to him and acts like he is her best friend. Which does make me jealous. Recently her and I got back together after being broke up so long.. She told me she missed me. Now, I can not over Rosie (the girl I am talking about), never have been able to. We broke up so many times during our relationship, and fought so much. We hurt each other a lot. However, I couldn't get over her.. Well, this time I finally felt like I was over her, until she told me I missed her.. I jumped in and got back with her.. Well, now today she has just told me she no longer wants to be with me. She says I am a liar, I flirt with other people too much, and I am too mean to her. So that is why I am crying.

Now I was so nice to Rosie, because I loved her so much. Even I admit, I was great to her. I wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much and always tried to make her happy. I hated seeing her sad. I always tried to make up for our fights. However, she wasn't always so good to me.. I would write her poems, send her long emails showing my love for her, and do things that would prove to her how much I loved her and she ALWAYS brushed them off. She'd laugh at my poems, ignore me emails, and act like I didn't really love her. So, yes, it was so hard on me... Now I don't know what to do...

I can be very suicidal.. Sometimes I just want to do something to kill myself. In the past, I have done drugs and been so high because I wanted it to kill me. I wanted to forget the World and just die. It didn't work, and it probably didn't do good things to my body, but luckily I stopped myself before I got addicted. I am also a cutter.. I haven't in a couple of months, but I am so close to a relapse right now.. I have scars I can't get rid of already. I don't want to add to it, but I don't know what else to do... Right now I am listening to music and trying so hard not to do something crazy.. I haven't done any drugs in a while, haven't cut myself in a while, and haven't even smoked a cigarette in a while.. But now I just don't now what to do.. I am still bawling and this is all just so hard...

I know I have it better than some of you guys.. I know this may seem like nothing to some of you, but it's hard on me.. Thank you all for reading.. There's my story.. If anyone wants to talk let me know because I could really use a shoulder to cry on right now..

Emotionally Dead

ED,
Thank you for sharing with such honesty...it took courage and I applaud your efforts.

You are going through a very hard time right now, and I'm so very sorry.
So much responsibility was dumped on you from an early age, it's easy to understand why you are hurting so badly right now.
Loneliness is one of the worst feelings as far as I'm concerned...
We go through so much, think we have found someone to love and be loved back, and it's devastating when they turn away from us.

Are you in therapy? Or at least have someone in real life that you can talk to/trust?
I'm glad, though, that you found PC. There are many caring and supportive people here.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?

...and please don't think your experiences are less painful than anyone else's...yours are just as important!!

Catherine

Emotionally Dead,

I'm sorry you have had so many challenging issues to deal with in your young life.

Congratulations on graduating from high school.

It sounds like you gave Rosie a lot of love, when your bucket was barely full enough to keep yourself going.

I understand b/c I am basically a giver myself.

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

EJ

Thank you.. I am not in therapy at the moment. I was taking some at my school, but when I graduated that stopped. There's no one in my life I can really trust to discuss this with.. So I figured I would post my story here..

I will keep posting. I have been so far and I don't plan on stopping. I wasn't sure if I was ready to share my story but after tonight I felt like I had to.. Thank you for reading..

Thank you EJ.. I did give her a lot of love.. She just didn't give too much back.. I knew it was there but she had a tough time showing it.

I know it's still painful but I have read a lot of the stories here and mine probably seems pretty lame to some.. I just feel like it could be a lot worse for me yet I am complaining about it..

Hey,
I am doubly grateful you found PC...you don't have to go through this alone, ED.
We care

Please listen to what my heart is saying to you right now, ok?
There is nothing lame about what you are going through, and what you have already been through.
It's a common thing to think that others have it worse.
Many of us have had some horrific experiences, but so have you...
Please, please don't compare.
The details of abuse are different but the affects are the same...low self esteem is one of the biggest.

ED, you are not complaining. You are sharing and quietly asking for caring and support.
You will get it here; we are a good group of folks.
I'm glad you are now a member of this "family." We don't take the place of one in real life, but we sure make a good and safe alternative.

Welcome.

Catherine

(((((emotionally dead)))))

First I send you a gentle hug and want you to know that we are here to support you and that we care. I am sorry for all you have gone through and I know it was and is tough. What you went through is horrible and it is no less than anyone elses. Everyone's story is important and what you went through is important.

You had a big responsibility at a young age and you did the best you could. Mental and physical abuse is not okay no matter what. Physical abuse leaves marks that go away----but inside they remain. Mental abuse lives on in our minds. I do hope you will get some help irl. I hope you will look into it. You are worth it and deserve to be heard and helped. Until then, so glad you found pc and know that we are here to listen and support you. We do care.

I am glad to hear you say that you will keep posting that is important. Thank you for trusting enough to post your story. That took alot of courage. I am sorry for the way Rose treated you. It sounds like you loved her so much. Remember none of us are perfect but you did the best you could.

Know we are here for you anytime you need to talk. Remember you are important----just as important as the next person. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

dps

I see you already got a lot of very heartfelt replies, so I'm sorry if I'll repeat what has already been said. I just wanted to say that I read your story and I'm sorry things have been so tough.

It's good to know you intend to keep posting, we all care about you here and we'll try to support you in the best way we can.

As others aready told you, there's nothing lame about your story or about your feelings and emotions. We go through different things in our lives, but no matter what caused our pain, we all deserve to be heard and helped.

Take care

(((emotionallydead)))