[bananasarecool]

You're PATHETIC.
You are DISGUSTING.
You are WEAK.
You're not ill. You're just weak. Feeble. Lifes hard, everybody knows that. SO GET ON WITH IT. WHY CANT YOU GET ON WITH IT?
You are not sick.
You dont deserve to be feeling like this.
You are dispickable for feeling like this.
You are a horrible person. Merely a spoilt little girl.
You dont care? You remember the last time you cared? The last time that you didnt feel empty?
You remember happiness?
You might be experiencing it right now.
Youre making a big deal out of nothing.
Everyone feels like this.
Get over it.

Or theres a way out.
You have enough money to go to the chemists and buy enough neurofen to knock you out.
You know that theres one razor upstairs, in his washbag.
Imagine if you used it.
Imagine if you took those pills.
You can almost feel the relief already, cant you?
You arent sick.
Youre just weak.
You dont deserve it. You dont deserve anything. You are a disgusting human being.
Remember when you used to care?
You took hours getting ready.
Now look at you. Hair growing everywhere, you look homeless. You look male. You look disgusting. You havent brushed your teeth, washed your hair, showered, even put deoderant on or gotten dressed.
You are disgusting.
You feel tired? Everyone feels tired. EVERYONE. YOU ARE JUST WEAK
WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK.

But its hard, i dont want to do this, i cant do this much more, im sorry, im so sorry, im ashamed, i know its bad, i know im worthless. I just want to be on my own. I am sick. And people dont want me to take that way out.
Just give me some relief,
Let me sleep.
And sleep without nightmares or anxiety.
Let it all end.

YOU ARE HOLDING THEM BACK. COWARD. YOU DONT DESERVE LIFE, YOU DESERVE NOTHING. PEOPLE OUT THERE HAVE WORSE PROBLEMS. YOU THINK THEY DONT GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE? YOU THINK THEY CANT COPE? OF COURSE THEY CAN. AND YOU KNOW WHY.
BECAUSE YOURE WEAK.

I miss caring.
I miss feeling like im not dead.
I miss... me.

[justfloating]

(((((((((((((bananasarecool)))))))))))))))


You know what I see?

I see someone who is very, very sick. Someone who is very, very tired. Someone who is suffering more than any human being should EVER have to suffer, and someone who is trying as hard as she can to struggle out of the darkness. I see someone overwhelmed by her illness. I see someone who can't see herself clearly any longer. I see someone who is looking for relief -- any kind of relief -- from a very cruel condition. I see someone tortured by her own mind, and who has become lost in the haze of depression. I see someone who is more than sad, more than depressed, more than exhausted, who suffers more than most and whose suffering is based on the lie that she shouldn't be suffering at all.

Tell me this: if someone else had posted what you just did, would you think they were weak? Would you think that they just weren't trying hard enough, that they had nothing to complain about? Give your words a stranger's face, and then ask yourself whether you would be as quick to put those judgements on anyone else. I don't think you would, and there's your proof that you really are depressed. If you take a step back from it, I know that you -- the real you, buried under the depression -- can see how sick you really are, and how much help you really need, and how STRONG you're being every second that you struggle onwards.

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. You're not alone in this, and it may seem impossible right now, but you will make it out of this one day.

[Rohag]

Beautiful. Poignant. Troubling. Terrifying. And not something produced by a shallow, weak soul.

I cannot add to Justfloating's keen wisdom. May the day not be far off when you look back at the mountain you've conquered, and on that day may depression be mute while you rejoice.

[bananasarecool]

Thankyou for your reply. it really does mean a lot.
I have... tunnel vision, right now. I literally cannot see anything other than this feeling and i cant physically try to put it on a strangers face - its selfish and awful but i cant think of anything other than myself right now.

I just read some stuff i wrote a year and a halfish ago...
and its not me
it really is a stranger
so idiotic, so stupid, so juvenile. so pathetic.... and a different kind to that that i am now.
i hate my happy self...
and now the thoughts and memories and struggles of school are flushing back and i cant take it.

this right now is me... illness has made me what i am and i feel that this pain doesnt ever pass and this is how forever is etc etc.

feeling... physically sick.
i want it to stop
i want relief.

i think im going to ask my t for medication to help me sleep... but i dont know if its a definite no to under 18s..

my heads... messy
sore
i feel physically sick.

i just want to be left alone to die. pathetic, right?
i wont harm again. i will leave the razor be. and the pills... well its one in the morning and all od-able ones are in my parents room.
so im...
desperately wanting to do it
and im so stuck that i cant.

[susan888]

No words Bannanas..just deep understanding and tears. You are not alone in this struggle...If we could "just get over it" don't they think we would? Who chooses to feel like this???? No one.....

[depressedalaskan]

(((((bananasarecool))))) So very sorry you are feeling so low. I have so been where you are. And I know how hard it is. Depression is a mean illness. My only suggestion is to copy your posts and take them into your therapist when you go in for your medication. It is important that they really know how you are feeling. Good luck - hugs for your day.

[Sabrina]

I agree with everyone in that you are not alone with the struggle. I am sorry things are so very hard for you right now.

[nowheretorun]

i understand.... listen to your small voice, it is the one who wants the worth you know you need to feel, let the small voice become your large voice ((bananas))))))