where to go from here..???

hi im very new to this..im di..nice to meet you all.
im suffering from depression so the doctors say..
im 21 yrs old,have 3 children.
i live on my own with my eldest child,my 2 others live with my partner or ex not sure what he is to be honest.
they live with him because i couldnt cope...
ive failed terribly at being a mum..
but i can manage my eldest..thats what i find weird
ive been with my partner/ex for 5 and half years
what im struggling with badly is me..i to put ti politley do not like myself.i can be soooo happy one week/month/day and i mean happy as if im on top of the world and nothing is going to spoil it..and the minute something triggers it im way back down..to sitting in a corner not wanting to live..
when im bad i walk round like im in a trance and cant concentrate properly..even when people are talking to me i feel like its just gone right ou of my other ear and havent a clue what they just said.i hardly go out..im ashamed of myself at times..my mother moved half way across the world to malta..so i feel like i dont know her anymore..i hardly talk to her..my dad lives about an hour away in york from me but i wouldnt say we were close we get on better than we did.
my partner i feel so sorry for him,he gets the brunt of it all..i want to end our relationship but dont if you get me..its not fair for him to put up with this and all our problems are my fault..he says i have an attitude,im boring,i have meaning in life,im going no where..
i have failed my children..i dont want to be in their lives because all im doing is causing them pain.
i dont know what to do anymore i really dont :-(

Do you have a therapist, doctor, psychiatrist, counselor or someone you can talk to? If not look in to it, they really can help. If you have a hard time telling a real person how you truly feel print out your post and share it with your professional, they really need to know how you truly feel before they can help you. It is good to see you here this shows that you are fighting your depression. PC is a great place to learn and get ideas on how to fight it. Good luck, keep us posted, welcome to PC, Hugs for your day.

Hello! Nice to meet you as well.
What type of doctors tell you you're suffering from depression? The symptoms you describe could indicate something a little different. A dedicated psychiatrist would be better able to assess your whole medical/psychological condition.

I'm sorry about your parents being remote and about your ex. We can't be "right there" for you, but we'll be here for whatever you have to post.

((((((((((screwedmind))))))))))

I hear your pain.

not blaming my partner but he does say alot of nasty thing to me..im this im that etc but he also doesnt understand me how i feel etc i have tried telling him and explaining if he does this maybe this or that way it helps me.
the children live with him because i held my hands up and couldnt cope it is what was best for hem and at the present time still is.they are happy and thriving what more could i want for my children. but on the other hand my eldest does miss out alot seeing his sisters which is unfair.
it was my doctor at our local gp surgery that diagnosed me with depression but i have had a few people mention bi-polar..but i suppose im one of these people who doesnt like to open up incase they think im a freak.
ive been on anti depressants but have felt no change in myself only worse at the minute.
id like to thankyou for reading my post and showing you all care i know there is people out there in similar situations to me which is why i found this site and im gladi did..even if typing on here clears my mind then il keep doing it.i find typing or writing it down helps me but i never really show anyone what ive wrote..
i have noticed i seem to experience severe highs but then the slightest thing triggers it and i go into a severe low.my life isnt worth living when im on a low..i see no purpose me being here..and i hate it..i sometimes hate the person i am because of the state of my mind sometimes.
id like to also say im not just here for myself i know alot of you on here are suffering and im here to support them too..
i am supposed to be in touch with a councillor i recieved my letter to make an appointment after months of waiting..rang them back and got an answer machine so left a message..ive never recieved a phone call back since.
im kind of stuck as to where i go from here with whatever is wrong with me..

Don't give up! Call again!

It's not unknown for phone messages to get garbled/lost/forgotten - I'd definitely try calling them back a few more times - make sure that you leave your phone number on the message, just in case they're trying to call back a wrong number. If that doesn't work, then perhaps ask your GP if he can contact them again for you.

It sounds like it might be helpful if your partner could maybe attend some of the counseling sessions with you? It may help his understanding of your perspective (and you of his).

Let us know how things go.

Try to call back and leave a clear message, say your phone number slow so they can understand it. Many times people leave their number on my machine and I have no idea what the number is. Also if you have the address to your therapist you might just want to stop by and talk to the office help. I am sure there will be some paperwork to fill out so maybe you can do that and have it done before you go in. Good luck - hugs for your day.

the councillor rang me back after me leaving a message,,,my sister answered and told her they would ring back..never had the phone call but will be ringing back..i worry that a councillor may not help not sure why unless its because i see everything so negative..
thank you for all your comments again its really nice how ive been welcomed into this community.
i agree my partner should maybr come with me to some sessions but he says he will but when it comes to ti i doubt he will he hasnt been 100% supportive so far.

having actually read and comparing depression..my symptoms are sounding more like manic depressive/bi-polar..do i go to my doctor and mention this..im worried? worried il get judged? worried he will think im a freak?

(((((screwedmind88))))) I know it is going to be hard but you have to be honest with your professionals. They can not help you otherwise. They will not look at you as a freak but as someone with an illness. Now what I do is print out my posts and share them with my professionals. I think it helps me because I don't seem to be able to get my feelings into words very well. I have also seen where this does not work for some people so it is up to you. All in all be honest, just like you are on PC. Good luck, hugs for your day.

I can relate to the challenges of getting an appointment.

They are there to help you and should not judge the things you think or feel. Try printing out your posts or writing your thoughts and feelings and take them to the appointment.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

((((((((((screwedmind)))))))))

No one will think you are a freak. They are there because they want to help people. They will want to know everything so they can give you the best help you need.

Take Care, Good Luck.